An uneventful weekend until Sunday afternoon. D wanted to go do something social and asked for money. I informed her, what I had before, that if she needed spending money, she should see her Mother as my D had told me specifically that she "hates" me, doesn't even like me and doesn't want a relationship with me. I told my D that I love her, will always be here for her, but she must respect me in our home. Also informed her that I would make sure she had all the essentials, food, water, roof, clothes, etc. but that I would not be funding anything else.
Well, this is JMHO. I think this particular action encourages your D to team up with her mother against you. Plus, I think it might bring forth more bitterness without teaching her to respect you. I know how hard this stuff can be, and trust me, I made so many mistakes.
I tried a couple of things that worked fairly well. One was that my kids had an allowance of money each week. They also had chores. I am huge believer in kids having a chores, as a way of teaching them responsibility and pride. If they didn't do their chores, they didn't get the allowance. If they wanted to buy something, they had to save up their allowance. (Occasionally, there would be an exception, but not often.)
The other thing I used was something like a merit/demerit system. I didn't stick to this too long, and I can't remember why, other than it probably didn't suit my particular personality.
When it comes to training children to show respect, I think it has to be right at the moment. Kids must know what the parent expects from them. So, tell them in advance. Let her know you will not tolerate tantrums, or verbal disrespect and if she gets mad at you and proceeds to throw a fit, you call her out right then. Have a set discipline in mind for these type of issues, b/c they are going to happen. So, whenever it happens, you will call her out and if she doesn't humbly apologize or if an apology isn't sufficient, you tell her she is grounded, or whatever her discipline may be. I think that's more beneficial than waiting to discipline them later when they are wanting to go somewhere, etc.
One thing I have seen parents do that I don't agree is when a kid has been planning something really important for a while (like a trip to Disney World), and the day or two before the event, the kid messes up......so as punishment, the parent won't let the kid go to the event. When this child has been planning for weeks/months and so excited about it and the parent just kills the whole thing...…..I believe it causes a bitterness in the spirit of that child. Maybe that's just me, and there are always exceptions...….you know, if the crime was bad enough.
With your D14,I think it's best not to refer her to the mom. B/c I don't think mom is going to back you, and it will just cause more division in the family. I'm trying to remember when D14 was ugly to you...…..is that when she was grounded? Did she ever apologize?
As a note to you, JS, I realize what she said hurt you. However, you are the adult man here, and you can't take to heart what a 14 year old girl says in a fit of anger. Most teenage girls are melodramatic when they are upset......or anytime else, really. I'm not excusing her! She should have been disciplined for her behavior. But what you said to her......….I'm afraid, just perpetuates the feelings in her. At some point soon, I think having a heart to heart about some of these issues with her, might help...…...given at the right time. Maybe next weekend you could take her for a ride, just the two of you (no mom) and have a father to daughter talk. She knows just enough about what is going on between her parents to be scared. She's acting out. She's disrespectful. Have the talk. Be open, honest, and loving.
I use to read parenting books by Dr. James Dobson. I thought they were excellent, especially the ones about teenagers.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
