Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

Sandi.
As always you are absolutely correct.

The NGS has got to stop. I didn't read your post until this morning, but I did have the chance to utilize it this weekend.

An uneventful weekend until Sunday afternoon. D wanted to go do something social and asked for money. I informed her, what I had before, that if she needed spending money, she should see her Mother as my D had told me specifically that she "hates" me, doesn't even like me and doesn't want a relationship with me. I told my D that I love her, will always be here for her, but she must respect me in our home. Also informed her that I would make sure she had all the essentials, food, water, roof, clothes, etc. but that I would not be funding anything else.

D asked, I declined. She asked her Mom who then came to me and actually asked that I give her the money so she can give it to our D. My W and I had discussed our position to hopefully guide our D back to respect and responsibility. BUT the FIRST time this issue comes up, she says she has changed her mind and it isn't fair. I said, why didn't you say this a couple of days ago? She said, well, it didn't come up. I told her that I am just trying to do what I feel is right (as parents we all make mistakes and sometimes fly blindly, so if anyone has some input on this, please respond). I stuck to my guns. My W then proceeded to tell me that this was "all about me" again. I said it absolutely is not, it is about our D and trying to get her to learn respect and responsibility for the future. She is my D and not my friend. I am her father. She doesn't have to live me now. I just hope that some of the lessons and guidance that I am trying to instill will help her in the future. I would much rather have her respect and friendship when she is an adult, that a false teenager friendship now.

W left. She was cold and distant and predictable the rest of the day.

Back to the major situation. My W is cake eating a ton. I am allowing it. I am going to re-read the LRT part of DR today. I have ordered NMMNG and will begin reading when it arrives.

I thought about what you posted (not even reading it until today so very meaningful to back it up when I did) a lot this weekend. My children are going to take their relationship examples mainly from their parents.

What example am I setting?
My own 2x4's to myself:
I have sacrificed my dignity to try and save my marriage.
I have been withdrawn and pretty much a doormat for a long time (not as much lately, but still a doormat) and have pretty much almost "accepted" within reason my W's actions.
I have been holding on to the remotest of hopes of R and a new MR. This I don't see as terrible as I do want them to learn that anything worthwhile is worth fighting for.
They have seen me angry, depressed, and truly not myself through a lot of this prior to DB. Things are changing, but there is some damage done there and I take responsibility to work on this and repair it.
The relationship with my children has suffered as I went through the financial collapse and the resulting choice of my W to end the MR. I would love to say I am better at shutting things down and not letting it affect me in front of them, but I (we) lost everything and then to have my W quit sometimes was a bit too much and yes, it came out badly.

What example is my W setting?
Just to clarify, our D knows as she heard some of the conversations and arguments. She knows that my W absolutely wants out and she also knows that I would do anything for us to stay together as a family.

My W doesn't want to be married to me. Why is she still there? This is showing my D that she should remain in a bad relationship that she doesn't want to be in, for MONTHS, even years, sleep in the same bed, interact socially occasionally, have family dinners, etc.

What is this showing my D about life, relationships, self-esteem, dignity, respect, responsibility, etc?

This is very disturbing to me and I am very concerned.

Questions for all PLEASE!!!

DB seems to have an affect. It has only been a little over 4 months but we have kind of gotten into a pattern of her space/my space. Comfortable space with nothing happening at all. Things will be calm for about a week, then usually on the weekend my W has to push something to get the issue back to the forefront and seemingly justify closing off again. But nothing happens. I am doing way better (need lots of improvement still) on validation. Detachment is difficult due to the in house S, financial issues, etc. Maybe this is just myself making an excuse not to get out more for GAL to help me detach more. One of the issues I have written down to contemplate over the next day or so.

QUESTION: I don't want to be a Mr. NG any longer. What are the best steps to accomplish this knowing that this is going to enrage my W?

Again, my issues are that I don't know how to do this and picking the best path. I know there is only a 50/50 at best shot of getting this to work. Knowing that, there are going to be many, many paths to choose along the way, and they will change. I need to learn how to recognize which is correct for the long term, and not just which one is good to "keep the peace" for now.

QUESTION: If Limbo is a gift, how is pushing it a different way going to help better?

Big questions and I am hoping for some great feedback.

Major eye opening experience on Friday not related to my MR happened that caused this big reflection over the weekend. Life is too short. If this takes 3 years to keep my family together, I am up to the investment. If my W and I end up at our 50th anniversary, That would mean we invested a very short time during our marriage through this major issue. A small sacrifice for love and a lasting MR and keeping our family together.

Happy Monday to all and I hope the sun is shining in some way on your life!