I think your wife is like my wife, she actually uses her children to KEEP herself from sex. She has them in all kinds of sports, which keeps us extremely busy, so little time alone, and whn alone, she is to tired from all the activity. She alos stays up late on Fridays and Saturdays watching movies with the oldest son, like until 2AM or even later. It's almost like she is dating my son for crying out loud! We go to dinner, almost always with the children. We do EVERYTHING as a family, but not as a couple. SHe is OBSESSED with her children, she has carried the Mommy mode to the extreme. Come this summer, she will stay up every night until 1-2 AM with the kids, since they are all on summer vacation and do not have to get up at 6 AM like I do. I probably will be lucky to ML to the wife 8 times this entire year. Literally, LD spouses HIDE behind their children.
This is a problem in my relationship also. One of the worst things about being a HD wife is that I sometimes feel like I'm pushing my children away from me in order to have more private time with my LDH. My D(12) is very social and frequently is invited to sleepovers on the weekends. I arrange things so that when she reciprocates all 6 of her "best" friends spend the night at the same time so I can get it over with. My S(15) is more of a loner and rarely goes out on the weekend.I'm considering giving him a book of movie passes and a ride to the cineplex every Friday. However, I find that if I exert the energy to get the kids out of the house at the same time it just makes me more resentful if I face rejection anyways.
Recently, I went so far as to construct a second wall between our bedroom and the family room. My husband helped with the project (I can't toenail to save my life) but I think he was just interested in a quieter space for sleeping.
I really wonder sometimes if it wouldn't be better for the kids if I had an affair so that I could relax and give them more attention.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I empathize with you on the sex getting rote problem. I get so few opportunities for sex with my LDH, I'm hesitant to suggest trying anything new because if it doesn't work for me I've wasted an encounter and if it doesn't work for him that's even worse. So, I have a whole mental list of "someday" things I'd like to try sexually. I think this is another area in which things are even worse for HD women than HD men because a lot of female fantasies involve being dominated in some way and it is pretty tricky to pull that off with a LDH.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yes...I'm afraid the nooks and crannies in my closet are filled with the toys, lotions, and books that were summarily rejected. I'm not even suggesting anything extreme! Like a lot of men, I'm pretty visual, but my W prefers not to be seen "down there." I wrote in another post how much I feel like "Bob" in the Vagina Monologue called "Because He Liked To Look At It"! Speaking of rote, the last time we attempted to ML, this was last week, she seem so not to be enjoying it, seeemed tense in fact, that I just stopped. Couldn't continue. She was annoyed and said something to the effect of "I really try to accommodate you." Accommodate! She doesn't seem to understand, and I have tried to communicate it before, that I get enormous pleasure from HERE pleasure. If the lovemaking session is going to be one sided, I would actually prefer to go solo.
Quote: It seems like stress makes HD people want sex more just to feel like something is going right in their world, while it makes LD people want it less.
Yep. When things get tough, I just really need to be held and touched in every way, and my wife just really needs to be left alone. If things get tough for both of us at the same time, this can be a bit of a problem...
Quote: Then as I tried to get him in the mood he just kept making jokes and small talk and he!! *I* was out of the mood by then. Luckily it was time to get the kids up so I had an excuse to stop my efforts. Later he told me how proud he was of himself because he had not rejected my advances. Hmmm...didn't really seem that way from my perspective.
I wonder...what if he really meant what he said? What if he were really trying to be open, but felt tense about it, and was chattering as a way to relieve stress and "keep it light"?
Back when we used to have sex, my wife has always complained that when I get really turned on I also go non-verbal on her, and she would like to "keep talking" in a light way throughout. I'm not exactly wired to make small talk when I'm aroused, and I never knew how to deal with this complaint.
I guess the advantage of being a HD women is at least I know my LDH is into the sex while it's actually going on. He'll even compliment me on my technique afterward. But this actually adds to my confusion about why he doesn't want to do it on a regular basis. I've asked him for feedback many times but only get very specific suggestions such as "grab my head when I go down on you" or "keep your eyes open more" and implementing these suggestions seems to make no difference in long run frequency.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Thought over and over about taking H upstairs what we could do etc. LDH must have thought about it also....came home telling me how the lawn needed to be mowed, etc. I never got to my part because he had it all figured out.
Where I grew up, the farmers all had tractors with headlights so they could work after dark. I guess they must have been LD farmers...
Quote: She was annoyed and said something to the effect of "I really try to accommodate you." Accommodate! She doesn't seem to understand, and I have tried to communicate it before, that I get enormous pleasure from HER pleasure. If the lovemaking session is going to be one sided, I would actually prefer to go solo.
But if she's trying to do something nice for you, that can be a gift even if it's not tremendously pleasurable for her. I would accept the gift graciously if I were you, and perhaps even apologize for not being grateful when she has done this in the past. After all, I don't always feel good about doing chores, but it's an act of love, and I do them in order to be loving. She can't always feel the way you do about sex, but there's no reason to get down on her when she doesn't. (That last sentence could be read two ways, but I think I'll just leave it rather than fix it ;-> )
