I feel like the reason she wants the D so bad is that she feels guilty being married and having an affair. She wants out of the marriage so she can pursue and not be so secretive etc. Do you think the guilt will ever go away even if we do get a D? I remember before I knew about the WW mindset telling her that she most likely be more unhappy being divorced. She was wayward so that was the wrong thing to say.
Well, those are questions that only she can answer. I do know this much...…..that I have my first time to see the H who really comes close to guessing how his WW is feeling/thinking. I mean, men can't figure out a rational woman, so they sure won't be able to figure out a wayward. I have noticed that most H's initially think their WW must feel some guilt. They would probably be shocked to know just how cold and nonguilty she really feels. So, maybe it's a coping mechanism for the LBH of a WW, IDK.
I won't go so far as saying the WW feels absolutely no guilt...…..but it is nothing to the degree her H thinks, b/c she sees herself as justified. How can you feel guilty if you believe you are justified? I maintain that her feelings of guilt really don't kick in until she gets her eyes opened and the fantasy comes crumbling down. As long as she's lost in a fantasy, she's not going to feel remorse.
To me, it sounds as if you are trying to see your W as still being the moral conscious person she was in the past. From what I have been able to learn, her moral code and religious practices are pretty much kicked to the side of the road, until she ends the affair and starts working her way back. I believe feelings of guilt can come at any point in life. It may years down the road, but if that person is able to see their actions as being destructive in order to gain their selfish desires...…..then I think there's a chance to experience remorse. But let me go a bit further and say that I think the WW has to have some level of compassion, in order to feel remorse. Maybe that's just my own thinking, but if she doesn't care anything about the one she betrayed and the family she destroyed, then she may not care enough to be sorry for hurting them. Make sense? Unfortunately, most WW's rush into divorce, and it is years later that she admits to herself the pain of devastation she caused. However, that doesn't mean she lets anyone else know.
Does the guilt ever go away? That's up to the individual. I'll take myself for example. I am a Christian, and I know I've been forgiven. My H forgives me, too. I don't lay awake at night tossing and turning with guilt-ridden feelings. However, I will forever deeply regret what I did. It cannot be undone. For me, the difficulty was in forgiving myself.
The wayward W has confusion, but at the end of the day, she's going to do what benefits her the most. Selfishness is her motivator. Remember, this is not the girl you married.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
