Thank you guys for the support. Needed it again today.
DNJ, thanks for the advice. To clarify, W was actually trying to take a pepperoni off the piece that S was eating, and thats when I offered the pizza. So, I guess that isn't really much of a pursuit. And, yes...I did expect her to say no since she hasn't said yes in so long. I guess I shouldn't be having expectations. She did stay for dinner last night, but more about that in a minute...
Mach, thank you for that reminder. Home is with people, not a place. That is something that I need to continue saying to myself as I find it hard not to be jealous of the time she spends with the kids. I don't want them to get used to being at her house, but I know I need to in order to keep a healthy mind and stay strong...and to continue moving forward. I realize that I have a bit of a PTSD response to things still. I am not having all the triggers I had before, but I still have some to work through.
Gerda, thanks for stopping by with support. I love hearing from you. I try really hard to be the lighthouse...whats hard is keeping that light bright for the world to see. Sometimes I feel like it goes a bit dim with my mood. Yeah, I think the kids do see a big difference between us. Check out what happened this weekend...
So, kids are supposed to be with W in NY for a family reunion. I have not been looking forward to it as it means over a week without the kids AND this is the first family reunion with her family that I wouldn't be at. She came to pick up the kids Thursday night for a Friday morning departure. On Friday morning I text the kids that I love them and to have a good time. After a little bit, they each texted me back sounding pretty frustrated. Apparently they showed up at the airport at 7am for an 8:30 flight, but it turns out she had purchased 8:30PM flights so they were VERY early. W started trying to get an earlier flight so as not to have to wait all day. She got them on standby for a 10:00, but it was too full. She got new tickets for an 11:00, but it got cancelled for a 12:30. This happens every hour until 4. Then their 4:00 got postponed for a 5 with a 90% chance of cancellation. W decides to quit for the day and to just fly out Saturday morning instead. They then get up Saturday morning and go to the airport, but they are too late for the flight and there aren't any more for the day (that they can get). So, W decides never mind on the trip and they go home. I know all this cause D was texting me throughout the day. None of that would have ever happened if I were there and I think they all know that. I am a planner. I make lists and itineraries. Not that I print stuff out and hand it out to everyone, I am just prepared all the time. Its my nature. I don't even know how W would have purchased PM tickets a month in advance without realizing it until at the airport ready to go.
So, I made gumbo (finally, kept putting it off) and the kids wanted to come over and have some. When W is filling me in on what happened with the flights I mention the gumbo if she wants to join for dinner. She explains that the kids really wanted to so they would come. I hadn't yet made rice so she offered and brought some over. The next part is whats weird to me. Not a thing that happened, but how I felt. I try to be upbeat (and I feel upbeat), but I really don't have much to say to her. I'd like to start conversations and whatnot, but it just seems that there is this big elephant in the room. How do I have normal conversations with her? She has removed herself from my life and barely talks to me. Her explaining her flight issues was the most we've talked in weeks. I feel like I don't know her anymore and I'm just not sure if I want to try and be just friendly with casual conversations with her. If she were my wife (we're still married for now, I just mean how she used to be) then there would maybe be some incentive to want to be friendly again, but I'm not even sure if I want to be friends with this person posing as her. I mean the evening was fine but felt awkward. I feel the gap between us widening...now I don't feel much of a connection to her at all and that makes me sad. Could there be a way back from this?
So, D wanted to stay the night so W took son back to her house with plans to pick up D this morning. In hanging out with D I find out that W is planning to drive them to Austin for a swim type of resort until Tuesday. She neither told me about this nor invited me. D and watched shows and fell asleep. Woke up this morning and had pancakes and coffee while watching her favorite animes. W came and picked her up and S didn't even get out of the car. I think W woke him up and he got in the car so was tired, but I have to admit that it was hard that he didn't even get out of the car. I know this was not personal, but this whole thing has me feeling vulnerable. I do my best to show NOTHING but the happy side of me. So, now they are in Austin having a fun family outing. W did say she was trying to do something fun for them since they had to miss the NY trip, and I get that.
But, never the less, I'm still a little down over here wondering how my life came to this. I know I'm a good man and I know that I'm a catch. She has downgraded herself with all the decisions she's made in the last 2 years so its hard to feel rejected by someone who has made themselves less than you. I don't say that to put myself on a pedastool or anything, but I am proud of the man that I am and I'm proud of the decisions I've made throughout all this. I have women flirt with me all the time. It doesn't mean anything to me other than to help me know that this really has nothing to do with me, but its still hard not to take everything so personal. I mean, its the most personal thing a person can do to you...even if it isn't because of anything I've done.
