Rebuilding my life #3

[lcause]

See, I don't really miss her. I miss my kids each time I have to give them back, but that's only for a few hours. Days I'm without them, I don't really miss them in the sense of "feeling" it. Of course I would want to be with them but it's not an active thought that occupies my mind daily.

I don't really feel betrayed. I'm over the divorce already but I am not happy with myself. I feel bad that my own life is not even close to what I want it to be. The issue is that I will never be there since I lack the traits that would make me be there. I have so high anxiety about everything and I am a perfectionist that I can't appreciate anything but perfect - if I know I can't do it perfectly, then I'd rather not do it at all. I've been forcing myself believing in self-help stuff but months have gone by without any real progress. I'm still the same person with the same thoughts, restrictions, skills and features. I still get anxiety, I still find it hard to do things, I still find it hard to study, I still find it hard to apply for jobs... Frankly put I'm tired of forcing myself to be something that I am not. I am getting frustrated at the self-help, "you can be whatever you want to be", "you make your own happiness" bullcrap. Some people are happy that they can for example buy more material and thus are materialistic, that's just the truth. Just as an example.

Therapy does not help. Has been expensive and thus I quit it. Meds and stuff do, Ashwagandha, Theanine and Green tea have been an amazing combination for my anxiety. I've been on/off for about 20 times now and each time I've taken these, my anxiety is not nearly as bad it usually is. I don't overanalyze everything which feels amazing. Wish I would have found this combination earlier. Works better than exercise.

My point is that some people think they always affair down when compared to the LBS but that's just nonsense designed to make the LBS feel better about themselves - or my scenario is a special case. The only trait OM has "worse" than I do is the moralistic view, but who cares. He is not an alcoholic, he is younger than I am, he is in better shape, has more money, more friends, more active life... I think stating this is very harmful and causes comparisons anyways, like this. People in this board go overboard to mock OPs and WWs/WASs when they are simply people with needs, wants and passions too. I know now that if my relationship is not going the way I want it to go, I'll bail out. Life is too short to spend on with someone you are not happy with.

The girl is a much better match than XW was. She is supportive, appreciative and knows how to say "thank you". She validates, rather than either tries to fix my issue or gets pissed about me complaining about something. I don't recall XW EVER validating or really understanding my issues. I always felt like she did not really appreciate me. Part of me thinks it was my own fault... New girl has higher sex drive than I do which I find a bit pressing at times. She doesn't have kids but wants to have one. I planned on having three, so I am fine with having one more. We jog together quite a bit, pretty much each day we see each other. And go to sauna, of course. I just don't know... She is not generally worried about life and laughs at my jokes, seems to have fun and doesn't complain about her work. She listens to my interests (like programming) even when she doesn't understand a single tiny bit - and actually tries to understand by asking questions! She feels like superb gf material, outside of having mere college degree and not university... Will not be as successful as it comes to a career and I really hate myself for even thinking about these outside factors. This just seems to be so hardwired in me. I wish I could just ditch these mental blocks... Of course, this is all early in the process so her views about me could change after "limerence" wears off. I am not limerent but actually very careful, probably even too much. Sometimes she can be a bit clingy though.