Thank you, Sandi. Went back today to the residence to spend time with the kids. WAW acts cold and can hardly look at me in the eye when talking to me; which I find a bit odd since she should be relieved/happy that she is filing. I played it cool and was friendly and upbeat. Amazingly, a few days ago we were all eating dinner together each night on vaca and laughing; tonight, I am not offered by the family to stay for dinner. How much things change in three days.
Being cool and friendly with WAW's parents, who just enable their daughter's behavior. A part of me blames them for not talking sense into their daughter for impacting now the lives of 2 kids and 2 stepkids. A part of me knows they will side with blood. WAW's father apologized to me and said he did not know WAW would do this. Any advice on how to respond to WAW's parents and siblings? Sandi's rules mention not to talk to parents about it, but what if they approach me?
One piece of advice I have taken from this board is GAL - I have thrown myself into full scale gym and cardio workouts. Exercise is a key I think in DB. I've lost 10 lbs and it is helping me sleep better and curb my anxiety.
Also, any advice on how best to respond when WAW says I am punishing her by not inviting her on next vacation? Thank you.
Yes DavidUK. Seems like a common theme; what I am learning to do though is really not try to think about the why anymore. To accept things we cannot control I feel is so important in this process; at least for me.
Yes DavidUK. Seems like a common theme; what I am learning to do though is really not try to think about the why anymore. To accept things we cannot control I feel is so important in this process; at least for me.
Whatever the reason, it is due to what they have done, not you or I or anyone else.
I gave this advice some time ago, but I'll say it again. Don't spend time with the kids at her place. Take the kids to a park, McDonald's, your place, or somewhere other than your W's house where her parents live. It makes everyone feel very awkward. It's just my opinion, but I doubt they want you spending time there. I know why you did it in the past, but if you are really going to dump her, then don't hang out there, b/c it makes you look so obviously desperate.
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Any advice on how to respond to WAW's parents and siblings? Sandi's rules mention not to talk to parents about it, but what if they approach me?
That rule has been misunderstood a lot. Remember, these are guidelines for a newcomer to have some sense of direction, especially if s/he has just received the bomb drop. It's saying not to run to other people talking about your private issues in the MR (that you hope will be resolved), b/c this could make things worse. What it means is that the LBS should not go running to the in-laws after the bomb drop, hoping they will add enough emotional pressure to make their daughter stay in the MR. It means not to run to her parents to tattle.
There have been some cases where a divorce was filed, and the WW's parents had no clue that she wanted out b/c of OM. She would feed them whatever lie she wanted. I don't think the LBH should lie or cover up for the WW. So, if your in-laws approached you and asked why the M is breaking up...….then you do what you feel is best for your particular situation. I have also said this...….if there is a D, and you feel the parents really needs to know (especially if they are going to talk bad about you to your kids, etc.), then consider telling them what really happened. I feel that parents deserve to know the truth, but that's just me.
Every situation is different, and you have to use some discernment about these rules. You've brought this subject up in the past, and your in-laws have not approached you yet. So, you do what you believe is the right thing to do at this point of the journey.
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One piece of advice I have taken from this board is GAL - I have thrown myself into full scale gym and cardio workouts. Exercise is a key I think in DB. I've lost 10 lbs and it is helping me sleep better and curb my anxiety.
That's great!
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Also, any advice on how best to respond when WAW says I am punishing her by not inviting her on next vacation?
Oh, there are so many comebacks I could give. Maybe you feel like she's punishing you by divorcing you. Okay, I'll try to be nice. How about...….. "I'm sorry you feel that way".
It is her sense of entitlement that makes her think she deserves to be included. Divorced spouses do not go on vacations together! It's that simple.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi and Steve or anyone else who wants to chime in,
You were right. All I can say is you were right. After a wonderful week with family on vacation, WAW filed for divorce. I realize now how foolish I was to hoping things would turn around, doing things because I thought my WAW would come back. And I should have listed to you. My false hope and stubbornness and being a NG was my down fall.
Now I know the gloves come off; for me, for my self-respect, and for my growth. I read No More Mister Nice Guy. Our next trip was coming up to see my family in another state. I plan to tell my WAW, I really want all the kids to still be together to see family, but just not with her there. She can drop off the kids and we'll see her when its over.
WAW plan to nest where she leaves the house when I am there with the kids. Is there any other advice you can think of right now while I accept mea culpa? Thank you for your support.
No need to apologize. black8, the thing about DBing is you can always start. Or restart. No matter the mistakes you've made up to that point.
You have sandi advising you. You can't do better than that. Remember, DBing is counter-intuitive. It will feel like the opposite of what you think you should do. But as you found out, not sticking to the plan will not get you where you need to be. So listen to sandi and employ her advice. It may not save your marriage but it gives you the best chance.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you, Steve85. Yes, I am very thankful for the advice from Sandi and you. What I still need to work on is not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Trying to stay friendly when she puts me on the spot. She knows what buttons to push with me.
You nailed it, Sandi. WAW response. --In order to accommodate this request, I'll have to make other arrangements.-- Sounds much like an entitlement thing.
