I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

I agree I need some space. Here's what I would LOVE to say. "H, the way things are between you and I is not healthy It's not healthy for either of us to live like this and I don't believe it's healthy for our kids to witness it either. I would like to move out and I will continue to pay half of the mortgage, the children's daycare expenses, their medical and all of S17's graduation gift (a trip to Europe). I want 50/50 shared custody and would love to have a positive coparenting relationship with you, similar to what we have now."

That's what I want. I think it's totally fair and would give us all some room to breathe. But in March when I tried to tell him that I was going to move out, he told me it was child abuse, that I was going to eff up our kids, that I was so sick to put my own happiness before our children's, that I was crossing a line I could not cross back from, that if I could do this I was a far worse person than he ever believed I could be, etc. He threatens me and intimidates me and it works. So here I am. Still. If I leave, I have to be prepared to D. And that's just a really scary and hard thing to contemplate. It seems so unfair to feel like my only choices are to stay like this or completely rip the family apart. But alas, those are my choices, as dictated by H.

Our 18th wedding anniversary was Friday. We are too far gone to acknowledge but it reminded me of our anniversary last year when I could feel all of this coming. H didn't acknowledge our anniversary and I remember going for a walk with him (nothing special, he was getting in his fitbit steps and I tagged along, ha) and I cried and told him how hurtful it was. He remembered, he just didn't acknowledge. There is a big difference there. He said something like "we're just so busy" or something but never tried to comfort me or make me feel better. That was one of the pivotal moments for me in realizing that I was being an idiot by hoping things would just miraculously change for the better. The next big thing was when he refused to let me take S17 to a concert. H made all kinds of excuses not to go so I was going to take S17 instead and H purposely sabotaged it by not picking up the little two when he was supposed to. When I talked to him about it later he said "We never discussed you taking S17" and I was like why do we need to "discuss it", what is there to discuss? He said something to the effect of he didn't want me putting S17 in a bad spot bc I could start talking and flirting with other guys and he will protect S17's heart even more than his own. I was like what?? The third big thing was when H sent me a text about "being interested", meaning he wanted to ML and I just felt a million miles away from him and I texted him back saying I just felt to emotionally distant to do that right now and he said he didn't feel that way but understood. Never came into the bedroom or cared that I felt that way, all that mattered to him was that he didn't feel that way. Then the fourth and final thing that happened where I just knew we couldn't go on was when I was making a very important job change. I am the primary breadwinner in our home, although H makes a good income. Even still, we could not afford the life we have without my income. So this job change was important to me, but more importantly, it was a big deal for our family and thus, if for no other reason than that, it should have been a big deal for him. My boss that I had worked for for 7 years had become increasingly abusive to the staff and although I was lucky enough to be mostly immune, I was sick of witnessing it. I was lucky enough to have two job offers to choose from, both at my current salary. H just couldn't be bothered to talk about it, whenever I'd try, he'd act uninterested or let the kids interrupt, etc. I remember mentioning that if this is the way things are between us, why, why do we bother?? No response from him. At that moment, as I made the decision on my own and transitioned into a new job on my own I knew I was just fed up. It's been 8 months since then and we haven't been intimate in almost a year. I wanted to wait until S17 graduates to bring up separation but now I'm freaking out about him going through his parents separating right as he goes off to college when he should be focusing on his own new journey. Maybe I should back it up a little in order to give him some time to get used to things before he leaves, maybe like after Christmas. I just don't know.