Agree with MTB. I know I spent so much time focusing on things I did wrong and even things I had blamed myself for that were not my fault. I think it would be helpful if you spend some time writing out a list of things that you did well in your marriage, things that you know you bring by way of value to a relationship, some goals you can look towards accomplishing, and just reasons why you are an awesome person. I think self confidence is really the name of the game when it comes to DB. Certainly for the LBH, the ww has such power in the way they are able to decimate the self-confidence of the LBH and convince them that they are to blame for the downfall of the entire marriage. it sounds to me like you have fallen victim to the most effective tool in the ww toolbox, gaslighting. we all need to accept our responsibility for our contributions to the downfall of our MR, but we must be careful not to accept blame for things that were not our fault. do something nice for yourself man, and get an extra workout in. Those endorphins are magical
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
mtb...yep for sure. wasn't taking all the blame for it at all. simply taking ownership of and acceptance for my part in the MR. it is important for me to be cognizant to the reality that perhaps I did not fufill my vows to the degree that W needed. just think it's important as frequently looking into myself that I try and understand best I can my W's point of view and feelings.
OK, honestly don't think my self-confidence, esteem has taken much of a hit...at least I don't "feel" that they have. I have heard some crazy things from my W about what I did/didn't do to be sure. As I said to mtb I for sure try to see W's point of view as much as I can. If W moves on to another man, sure that will hurt, but that will also be the nail in the coffin so to speak. Again her choices. I know I'm a good man if imperfect, know I have areas to improve myself in, but if her decisions take her away from me, what more can I do but continue forward? Could I be on here a hot mess tomorrow, yep, but also again maybe not...each day that passes I'm one day further down the road to whatever lies ahead in my life. that's all I keep in my sights these days. waves of life might rock me left and right...I'll just do my best to stay seated in the center of the boat.
coming up on 5 months separated...simply today's date compared to the day she left...so much time apart and how quickly it seems to have gone by...memories of our life together come in and out of my mind at the most random of times. my D and I are great and in reality I'm already living my post-D life, if it comes to her filing D would just be the legal action of my currently lived existence. when I have D with me, at least 2/3rds of my life feels complete...I want that last 1/3rd but perhaps it's not God's plan so I must continue coming to terms with that.
friends have been saying maybe perhaps there is not OM. maybe she just lost feelings and took off. it's possible I guess, feel like it would hurt worse if there was not an OM though as that would make me worse about the status of our MR. to not have OM, leave straight away and not be open to saving/working/building a new MR, that's a bigger swing to the confidence in how I was as a partner. but who knows...it's all mindless ramblings on the why/how of W.
looking over the board hard to believe but I feel like an old timer now. even if not for resolution of my sitch, I would be so happy if over time this board had less and less activity and new members. the contrast between the pain expressed and lived on these boards relative to the many wonderful members who offer hope/help/comfort, this is the most terrible sad and wonderful of places the internet has. as always I want to thank any and all of you who have given me support/comfort over my time here. presently in my sitch the only like new event will be W filing for D. before coming here I never considered my R with W AFTER D. to me D was the end of the line for life. don't know what the future will hold for me. just have to keep moving on along with my D. funny couple of days ago I was getting D up from bed at my house and as I carried her she said to me "I love sleeping in my bed"...through all of my other wants for my life to include her mommy, at this time that one sentence was completely all I need.
yep Steve I do hold on to never giving up hope, although with the passage of time and W's actions, I find myself more willing to give myself up to the future and the unknown. as I say for me at least the W's actions/selfishness/etc have been major contributors to my acceptance and moving along. as many vets have pointed out "would you really want to be with that person now?" definitely not.
and yes I mean my gut tells me there is as W's actions would just seem even that more crazy were there not to be. one night stand, ongoing, meh who knows.
GAL wise...now that I have D for a week at a time I spend all of that being fully on best Daddy possible. On the other weeks I'm in the gym each morning, work, go out for dinner, trying to read some books I've wanted to (although I end up falling asleep much too soon!) and then I spend weekends with some of my family and close friends doing whatever or nothing at all. It's not perhaps the most glamorous or adventurous, but I'm in great shape, value the time with those who love me and I've been sleeping great throughout. Still considering some trips by myself and with football season not too far around the corner looking forward to making some games and tailgating.
hi all...part of me thinks this might be my last post, even though I see in my last post just above I say I'm never giving up. I guess with almost zero contact with W now I just don't see how hope is possible. the specifics of my day to day life post-W both with and without D aren't bad really, but I do miss her and the love I had for the woman she used to be.
I don't and perhaps never will understand the real reason why W left, why she can't see me/talk to me and why W could not agree to seek help with me to address our issues. W truly just walked away. Is she WW? Perhaps that is why she is unable to do the things I just listed. W has never said sorry, asked how I was, nothing...
I'm sorry I just needed a place to vent this morning. I have read some other sitches where the LBS have had their WW's come back and/or at least make progress in that direction. If I felt there was something terrible in my sitch that I had done, I could understand my W being as she is. Not at all saying I did not have my faults, but nothing insurmountable that we couldn't have worked through.
I'm sad folks. Helpless situation. No reason to doubt W will D and seemingly no chance she will change her mind nor nothing I could say or do. It is very hard when you feel you've disappointed the one you love the most and they walk away. I will always be ready to work on us, but W left and has given me exactly nothing in terms of hope since almost 5 months ago. If/as you go to church today pray for those of us like me.
Hang in there. This is a normal part of the grieving process. You need to let yourself experience these feelings. Just don't let yourself wallow in them too long. I am right with you in this process. I am also feeling hopeless regarding any possible R. I don't speak with my W, or even communicate via text or email more than every couple of weeks.
Personally, I think it is okay to be hopeless about the sitch, just not hopeless about yourself. You need to focus on working on YOU, not the MR, not her. The farther I dive into the depths of this process the more work I see that I need on my end. I certainly don't want to assume anything about you, but I bet you would discover work you could do on yourself to improve as a human being (forget being a man, father, husband).
Trust the process.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Just to give you perspective, you've been in this for 5 months. That's a very short period of time. You're looking at a much longer timeline for any results - whether a move to recon, or even making lasting changes within yourself. I am 14 months past BD and I have just truly reached a place of equilibrium. And even by many accounts here, this is faster than expected. The more complicated your sitch, the longer the process will be to emotionally and mentally deal with it.
Hope is a funny thing. It is very hard to live with it and move forward. Only when you redirect that hope to saving yourself, can it actually help you propel forward.
We all have enormous potential for growth. look up post-traumatic growth - i believe there is even a TED talk about it. Even though I have done a lot of thinking lately and come to some really insightful realizations, I still didn't have a process to move forward. I saw an interview with Mastin Kipp and went and picked up his book the same day - Claim your Power. He basically articulates the insights I came to through my thinking, but takes it a step forward. His book gives you a structured process to ask the right questions and start reframing and redirecting your thinking. I would highly suggest you look it up and see if it's something that would help you. I am a week into it and it's already very helpful.
I would say - don't hang in there. Get outside your box.
I can tell you this for a fact - I don't have any hope for recon now, and even if she came back and wanted to patch things up, I wouldn't take her 'as is'. She's going to have to put a ton of work into it for me to even consider it.
But I am so incredibly hopeful for my future. I have changed and it shows on the inside and outside, and I am so proud of where I've come so far and what's in store for me. I am crushing it at work now and really excited towards what we're building together as a team in the next year or two. My relationship with the kids has never been better - another amazing parenting book is 'the conscious parent' by Shefali Tsabary. Changed my life. I am pursuing what brings me great joy and satisfaction, and stuff that feeds my spirit.
The overall message is this - on the other side of the tunnel lies a vast world full of contentment, joy, and positive vibes. Crawl and grind your way through it if you have to. I certainly did and I have never been this happy and positive in two decades. I know it's hard to wrap your head around it, and I would've laughed it off and dismissed this even six months ago. But, now that I am a few steps beyond the tunnel and I couldn't be more ecstatic.
I put in the work and really internalized that no one was going to rescue me and help me. I was waiting for a savior for a long time and they didn't come. And that's when I realized I was my savior and that empowerment was intoxicating.
Let that hope blossom in your heart for YOU! That flower will be even more colorful than you ever imagined. You got this!
Hey B- I went to church today and said a prayer for you and your family. I want to let you know that I too have felt like throwing in the towel. I want to quit when I am feeling emotionally depleted and exhausted but for some reason I feel that I could not live with myself if I did. Along with my focus to be the best that I can- I put my faith in God. That he will provide me with all that I need and more. In today's reading it showed what he did with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. All we have to do is to be obedient, patient and ask with contrite heart. I do not know where my sitch is going- what i do know is that God will be here to guide me thru it. I just want to show you my support brother. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
davide/maika/wlf...I want to thank each one of you for your words of encouragement. Davide I know we've been on a shared path for some time now. Maika as always the depth of your reflection...I can't reply in a justifiable way although I will look into some of those videos/books you suggested.
My D goes back to be with W starting tomorrow which is why I'm up and can't sleep. I HATE that our D does not have her family all the time and D I know personally feels it even though she's not quite 4. Does W remotely even care? To just let all that we had go with no attempt to save it...if we D we will not be friends, I do not know if I will ever be able to forgive her...not that she would likely care anyway.
Wlf...reading your post brought tears to my eyes. To know that someone else in this world who I don't truly know went to church and prayed for me and my family..truly thank you and God bless you! Soon after reading your post, I got down and prayed for all of the many wonderful spouses on here suffering and for their children who face the same future as my D. I know in this modern world where divorce is so common place and oh "the kids will be fine" mentality, DA!MNIT children having their mother and their father together matters!! The thought of my D not having another Christmas morning with both of us or a shared vacation...seriously Wlf you praying for me and my family meant the world to me! In all the pain that people can inflict on one another, you show me that there is still hope for good in people.
