Picking up Her MESS #3 and is getting Worse

[marina7]

Journaling,

Rough day, first week since I don't have any kids, they are with W this week for 7days. And then next week with me for 7 days till school starts. I today woke up sad,angry so many emotions. I question Why do I lose time with my kids W wanted this not me.

First 9yrs away from any kids this is hurting so bad. I simply don't get it,and never will. I spoke with kids yesterday but you can tell W is right next to them they can't be themselves it breaks my heart to a thousand pieces . I keep telling myself one day at a time.

Sunday at drop off W had her hand wrap up like she cut herself or even might have punched the wall who knows. I was updating W in kids yearly follow up out of nowhere W says OW is not going anywhere I replied Ok. And W repeated herself to me.I said Ok I understand. I get in the car and was shock I ask myself did she hear anything I said of the kids and some concerns with s10 he faints when playing we scheduling MRI and checking heart. Wow W just cared that OW isn't going anywhere.

Somedays am optimistic that W will snap put of this somedays like today I feel W is to far gone that rabbit hole.

[Vanilla]

Hugs

V

[marina7]

Journaling,
4 days no kids, I speak with them every day but not the same like holding them hearing my home with Mommy Mom, mom... lol simply miss them. But also missing W after all the hurt I miss my old W the woman that made me smile the once W that I knew loved me. Now I even question if W wish I was dead would she even cry.. SMH I know it will pass today is just a little harder.

W birthday coming up. Should I send her a text just Happy Birthday or do I not even acknowledge it.

I know last year I was a wreck this year still stings but am much better place. But I know am not ready for W to get married I know from Kids W been talking about marriage with people over phones and kids hear her. They are sad I always say is ok for W to get married. S9 says then mom should marry you. I just smile because easier said then done. So much hurt I wonder sometimes if W came back and ask for forgiveness could I ever even forgive her or the question I ask myself is it that sometimes I wanna hear I am sorry from W so I can move on with life. Sometimes am just unsure.

Therapy going well. My therapist have said I can see your very remorseful from your pass my therapist has said sge have seen me grown to a stronger person compared to last year and likes my commitment in therapy for kids and I. I don't miss therapy or kids unless is a must and in a year maybe once or twice we have missed through storm or surgery's I been there.

I must say I use to laugh to therapy when W beg years ago. God only knows how much I needed it I wish I would have gone when W ask me but I honestly can say I wasn't ready to face the truth. But now I give it all I have to be better for myself, my kids and maybe for my W one day if she comes back if not maybe the next person who will love US. I know everything happens for a reason so I will accept what God has plan. I am now following his lead.

Career wise still in surgery been in business retail for 20yrs but I honestly think am changed I feel my calling is now to ve a counselor for kids or kids with rough childhood. I am finally seeing why things happen. My Bestfriend daughter has some issues for being 8yrs old sge won't talk to anyone she gets anxious and anxiety really bad but when am around we talk me and her I sit and listen to her and help her with her anxiety did I mention she only 8 and she won't talk to anyone when anxiety kicks in. But with me we talk and make her smile and I listen. Like she says only you can hear me my bestfriend notice and says Marina you always had patience for kids but since all this I seen a big change you are so more understanding and wow your patience for kids is amazing she thinks I'll be a good counselor or something in that field for kids .

I must say with d10,s10 and a s9 they have help with my patience they have taught me so much in a yr and 4 month and one of them is Kids need to be heard us adults need to listen more and less talking. So for now getting my health better and maybe God will guide me what he wants me to do all I know all this we all go through is for a reason we might not see it at BD but it happen for a reason. So as I say "one day at a time"

[KitCat]

I'm sure you know best but I would suggest just making sure the kids acknowledge W bday and leave it at that for this year. If there is any doubt it won't be well received then this is the best course.

We didn't ever plan on having kids to only parent part time... I get your pain. I remember trying to sleep the first time my 1 1/2yr old wasn't sleeping across the hall. I remember leaving the tv on all day on Nickelodeon for background noise so it would seem somewhat normal. It does get easier... and I dare say you start to sometimes look forward to the times when you are kid free on occasion! I get the challenges too - there was very little positive communication between my son's other parent... nearly ever in 16yrs. At best you could call cold and business like.

The best thing you can do for yourself is try to not to figure out what W is up to through the kids AND to let your kids know its okay to have fun when they are not with you. You have the added benefit of more than one... those kids have got each other - play that up. They can stick together. You should have daily connection to your kids as this is a transition time but sometimes we need to take a step back and say "am I making it worse?". I was always available when my child called me but after a period of time I stopped calling him. If on the chance he was having fun and forgetting even for a moment that he wasn't with me... a call from me would be an immediate reminder and perhaps make him feel bad. In the age of smart phones and texting I pulled back but let him know he could contact me whenever. It was an odd feeling going 2-3 days without a word but I think it was best for my kid to not have to be constantly reminded he wasn't at home with me. You will know whats best for your kids and when but its just something to think about.

One day at a time!

[marina7]

Kitcat,

Thank you, yes is hard I have done the same thing tv on, radio in d10 room. I am literally a day at a time.

Yes I honestly would not call them if I knew they where in good hands and W would have not just walked out. Kids told there therapist they where scared but happy too, therapist ask what would not make them scared or anxiety they said if we can facetime our mom so therapist said how about your mom calls once a day before bed they where happy so now I only call before bed and I always sound excited and tell them am so happy ya are having fun with a optimistic voice. Is hard but am doing it.

I know am hoping by 6 month they be in a better place where they won't need to hear my voice. I know my kids are not the only kids going through this and they also in a divorce kids group so they know they not alone it [censored] but this is life.

Yes this is what I sob to my therapist I didn't ask to be a part time mom when I decided to adopt I knew I wanted to be a mom forever. I waited 30yrs to be a mom and a wife and W took that away in a second but I know that's the past. Is hard but all I can do is take it a day at a time.

[marina7]

V,
Thank you for always keeping us in your prayers.
I am hoping this feeling of the rollercoaster will pass. One day I am ok then another day I miss W so much it feels like yesterday.

[marina7]

V,
Thank you for always keeping us in your prayers.
I am hoping this feeling of the rollercoaster will pass. One day I am ok then another day I miss W so much it feels like yesterday.

[marina7]

Journaling,
Since BD I have stayed away from my family because my family is one of those family that are not forgiving and I always said If W and I work things out they will never understand this MLC world. Well today I got a phone call my uncle is in his last hours of cancer. I wanted to scream and of course my family doesn't know and if they do they haven't said much said do you think you all will be coming to see my Uncle I said just keep me posted.

1st I barely have a $100 in account things are tuff. And 2nd my kids are going through enough so unfortunately I will not add on to there chaos.

But I know my W loved my uncle and uncle loved her. I texted W and told her what was happening W did say I am so sorry I loved him.
But interesting W stated I didn't know. My uncle been fighting cancer for 3yrs W and I where together when we both got the news W cried but now she says she didn't know he was sick. Wow not sure even to believe if W really doesn't remember or she doesn't want to remember because makes her sad.

Please keep my little family in prayers God I will need the strength not being able to say my good byes to my uncle through this tough time of my life and kids

[LANE777]

marina, sorry to hear about your uncle. I know your on tuff times with no money and trying to raise 3 kids. I know were kinda all in our own mess together. Everyone has a story. And theyre all brutal...its crazy to me that someone who was in love with could be so cruel and selfish in such a short time...like overnight!

you're in my prayers marina ...take care

[marina7]

Journaling,
 So where do I began, Uncle pass away it was hard to honestly here that news am still in shock but I know life is short for us all we must forgive those and move on. 

Cute love story about my Uncle he didn't talk much about relationship bit growing up I remember this woman they would talk about my uncle was hurt I mean hurt sad I seen him cry but I was young to u.understand so I found out that this woman that my uncle loved cheated on him. And produced a baby they went there on ways. Well guess what before he died he lived  almost yrs married to her... wow they rekindled there relationship and married and she stood by my uncle side. So they dated the first yr and he found out he had cancer so she proposed to my uncle she wanted to prove to my uncle she loved him and he lived 3 more yrs instead of only a yrs the doctors gave him... I cried hearing this story and I also wonder was this a MLC and WAW that she went through.. Before they separated she was 36 yrs old so while hearing this I did wonder. It was a beautiful love story. My uncle died with his soulmate next to him. 

Update with W temperature checking, s10 had abdominal pain I had to carry him to ER I honestly thought it was his appendix so I had to call W.  So of course W came in and this is where things get interested and intense I honestly can say it was like a movie on slow motion .

So W is there and the first thing W does hands s10,d10 and s10 chips and drinks I calmly said s10 can't drink or eat just in case it is his appendix. W replied oh ok W offered me some also I said No thank you then W said look I took from my job all these goodies with a big smile. W honestly looked like a teenager with a bag or juices and candies and chips sharing witb her siblings. Then W almost gave s10 a drink I again calmly said he can't have anything. W replied come on just a sip. Wow I thought I had a teenager. 

So during the waiting room it was very interesting W would talk to other patients about how she served the military and combat and how when I had a seizure and she saved me and how she now works at a job blah blah blah while I a. Sitting there with our kids. Kids will just smile and look at me. 

So we get called in and of course it's W and I we are both women so I brought him in I was wearing the wrist band they give in ER for the parent. Nurse approaches me and says mom lets go we going do tests you be with him. At this moment W is getting agitated and says. Look we both are his mom OK with a sturn voice I should go with him am his mom we going to court and for summer we have them 1 week each switching.  The nurse politely said we just need a parent I nicely apologized and said lets go. W gave me the look of death I nicely said is ok I got him we both are scared. W was piss. 

We are back from test we sitting back in room. W in front of kids says this is why we can never get back your stubborn.  I stood there quietly agaisnt the wall. W says do you hear me I just nodded.  So again nurses come in to draw blood amd IVy and more test. W feels left out because nurses are talking to me as I am wearing the wrist band as the parent who brought him in. They ask what happened mom as I am explaining W losses it. W says excuse me I am his mom we adopted them all 3 I am his mom we are going to court but in the moment he been staying with me and these two stay with her. 
Yes you read this right. These two my s9 and d10 do live with me and s10 should be coming home soon with us again. I seen my daughter face my heart broke she said she doesn't love us. 

So while W made herself look stupid explaining our crazy custody battle that s10 his her only child I once again apologized and continued with nurse to explain the situation. Which she got. Nurse tap me on shoulder and said hang in there mom. I did she could see W behavior. 

So by then I sent my lawyer a email that W was being aggressive and I didn't want kids to see this so if I live and live s10 with W. 
My lawyer said No that's what she wants you keep notes of everything but you must stand your ground and unfortunately your kids need to use to this personality W has being aggressive always. 

So kids and I are waiting one is siti5on my lap the other holding my hand and other s9 sitting in between my legs not one of them sat next to them. I felt sad. They didn't want to be next to her. So then moved closer and started a conversation about my uncle passing. W said my condolence to you amd the family I see the viewing is on Thursday are you going my head was spinning how can W still talk to my family have them on social media like nothing we are not together. W when to telling me how she loves my family. Basically w was updating me more about my family as I kept this a secret I didn't want my family involved. 
While in process it was getting cold W handed me a jacket saying please wear it is cold I dont want you sick. I nicely saidNo thank you I am ok. 

Few hours pass W took s9and d10 to cafeteria to eat. S10 said mom am proud of you I smiled and said you didn't yell when she was yell at you or cried because Mom was being very mean to you I simply replied sometimes we gotta swallow our prideam here for you s10 just smiled

W is back and brought me lunch W sounded like my old W she says hun you gotta eat please I got you are favorite pasta salad  and a sandwich. It was nice to see that old caring W I had before mlc. Then she will talk about us she would smile I seen that I haven't seen since bd . W did lots of temperature check from me know she still have all my family in social media sick to know that. Also w puts a jacket around me as she can seen I was freezing and buys me lunch to eat. But I just said thank you I removed the jacket and didn't eat and stood there.

Through all this W had her bad moments then her good one. It was crazy. And sad to see us together brought some good memories. Us with our kids. One thing I can say that W said was our babies are so big I responded I know w said I don't want that look at them they no longer babies. And at that moment we both had something in comment our babies are big. As we where walking out to get car from valet W said wait for me. I didn't I kept walking I wanted to stop like I always did but I remember W wanted this W walk out on us and left us this is it she got what she wanted. Then ask for group hug my boys where with me d10 was with W hugging her mom it hurt me so bad. D10 beg W mom please call us please but W said I will but we all know she won't as she doesn't at all.

I hope one day maybe things will reconcile but God knows there will lots of work. Or as for me now if anyone ask me I would say No W to far gone.