It's strange to me. In the past few days, W has contacted me about S more than usual. And during those conversations, she's started opening up and talking more about her feelings, what she had issues with, etc. One of the things I've been trying to understand is how my actions affect her. Specifically, whenever we would argue (or even just talk about things), my ADHD symptoms would often ramp up. I would interrupt her without noticing that I was doing so, or when I would try to actively listen, I couldn't do it despite my best efforts. All of these things were completely unintentional, and quite out of control. We both accept that I never did these things to be rude, or because I didn't care, but they still happened, and even unintentional things can hurt others. She felt as though I did not take the things she said seriously, and that I just simply didn't care about her perspectives, thoughts, feelings, and the like. I would get frustrated by the criticism, and I would try to evaluate these things out loud to figure them out. To me, it was just talking about stuff. To her, I was coming off as defensive, uncaring, and just making excuses and looking for scapegoats.
Today, I'm trying to think of ways to get this under control. I realize that it will be VERY hard to control something that I often don't even realize I'm doing. I looked into individual counseling today, but right now the cost is too high. In a few weeks, once I start getting paychecks again, I might be able to make that happen. So that's my plan.
I used to scratch my head and cry and wonder how the hell I was hurting her, because I knew that I wasn't trying to be a jerk. But now I'm connecting the dots and I've learned that even if it's something small, like interrupting (not rudely, just interjecting thoughts randomly), that can have a serious impact on others if they are already tired, stressed, or frustrated.
I can see some ot the things that I need to address. I know I can only do so much on my own to address these things, and I'm likely going to need a counselor to fix them.
I can say is that I'm still working on my LRT. When we talk, I'm also trying very hard to actually listen and control the ADHD symptoms as much as I possibly can. I'm back on medication, and if nothing else, this helps me notice when I'm doing it. It's not flawless by far...I still do these things a lot. But I'm working harder to control them to the best of my ability.
While I am following the rule "don't believe anything she says", I know for certain that these things cause major problems for most people with ADHD in their relationships. As a side note, W told me today that she's about to see a dr as well, because she's been researching it herself for S, and she believes that she may also have it. So at least she's starting to understand that it can be really hard to deal with things normally with ADHD. She has definitely been softening a bit towards me. I'm showing progress in working on myself, I'm doing better with S than I did in the past, and she can tell that I'm trying to listen to what she says, although she maintains that I should have done that two years ago. And she's right about that. I will give her that. I couldn't get myself to actually do anything about it then. But now, I'm actually doing work to make these things better, more manageable, and trying to just be a better person.
During our talks, she sometimes gets angry. And I sometimes argue. But I'm also starting to notice how my behavior/words/reactions affect the conversations, and I'm trying to adjust those things so that she feels more comfortable telling me the things I need to know. It's a slow process.
Sometimes it's difficult. Most of the time, I want to just break the LRT rules and talk to her about coming back. But I don't. I know that wouldn't help at all. So I don't. However...W has said herself that it wouldn't work if we got back together right now, and she believes that D is the right option. What she HASN'T said lately is that she's dead set on it. She has said that she's noticed my changes, and that she wishes I would have made them a long time ago.
>>>But she has noticed.
I'm sticking to LRT. I don't contact her. She contacts me. If she wants to talk, I listen to the best of my ability. Will it work? I have no idea. I have my doubts. BUT...sticking to LRT seems to be far more effective than anything I tried early on. So we shall see.
