I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

LW, Nicole, I will definitely make the best out of the trip. My best friend still lives there and we are staying on one of the Great Lakes so we'll be right on the water and the kids can swim. These are the moments I'd live for, before.

Journaling:
After reading all my old threads and really looking at the things H has said to me....I'm not really sure these boards are where I belong. I am not willing to do anything to "save" my M. My M is not worth saving frankly. The disrespect and contempt runs so deep, it cannot be dealt with unless both parties have a come to Jesus moment. I want to save it for our children but I simply can't do it by myself, it will take both of us no question. The light he sees me in is not who I am and I don't know who it is. It's made me feel completely crazy at times and I question myself over and over, maybe he's right. But when I read back my old threads, I see it's just more of the same. He's not right. I was a young girl trying to deal with very real issues. My H was an alcoholic even though when I read back I see that I could not bring myself to classify him as such. Everyone tried to tell me to go to Alanon, one person even got so frustrated with me that she left my thread because I made excuses not to go an excuses for everything. They were right of course but I was worried he'd think I was crazy. No doubt he would have. But he thought that anyway. I never went. Then we had kids and H put 95% of his focus on our S (now S17) and 3% of his focus on D (now D15) and 2% of his focus on me (which is when we were having sex). H has never admitted any wrongdoing that might have contributed to the downfall of our M. And we've been together 26 years. It's all me. He calls me delusional, sick, selfish, etc. and I always believed he thought that....and in order for him to think that, I must be doing things so very wrong and just look at all the wrong things I've done....no one else would have done the things I've done, what is wrong with me? And I would read books and come here and beg people to tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it and our M can be happy again. And it all has to be things that are within my power bc H will not budge.....so the changing, the fixing, the willingness to admit wrong, all of it, it has to be something I can do on my own....couldn't someone just tell me how to fix it??
But when I read my old threads, he said all these same things to me back then too and I can see now that H doesn't say these things to me because he believes them. He says these things to me so that I will believe them. If I believe those things about myself, then H can be superior, he can dominate and control and use shame to keep me in my place whenever I start to remember who I am.