I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Nicole, I pretty much did dismiss it bc I think you're right. It was just another drunken text telling me how sick and terrible I am. I acknowledged it in the moment and told him I'm not tracking his phone. It hasn't been discussed since. Personally, I'd be embarrassed, but that's me.

MMM12, H is very much in the assigning blame phase and I do believe he'll spend the rest of his life there. At this point, I'm questioning more what HE would have to do in order to ever get this R back on track. He's been so cruel and I'm not sure he's capable of love in the same way most of us give and receive it. He's absolutely a covert and introverted narcissist although I don't say that often bc people like to try to argue against it. Plus there's really no need to label him, he is what he is.

The handgun class was definitely good for me, if you have any interest in it, you should definitely try it. It takes your mind off of everything else bc you have to be fully present in what you're doing. When H and I went through problems many years ago, I took a karate class and made it to green belt. It was the same type of thing, you have to be fully present so you just forget everything else. I quit when H and I reconciled bc we started building a house and then I got pregnant.

H spends his days using an incredible amount of energy to be upbeat and happy, 99% of the time I feel like his parenting is simply to manipulate the kids and/or to put on a show in front of me. He absolutely must be the preferred parent at all times and if there is a flicker that perhaps he is not, he will step up gifts/affection/etc. I often wonder what he would be like and how he would act if I wasn't here. Last night I was sitting on the couch with S6 and he wanted H to come cuddle him also, so H sits on the end of the couch and pulls S6 all the way toward him. A few minutes later I got up and went into the bedroom. I just can't stand being around him, I really can't.