Just dropping by to give an update, I have been reading a lot havent had the heart to post anything. I read all of BluWave's threads again, I find it very helpful. I read all of Sandi's wayward threads, although it is for WW I could find a lot of things applicable to my sitch, I am quite certain H is WH so far no proof of A. He has been buying stuff for his new apartment, his behavior is actually quite amicable. He slipped in 'honey' 'baby' and other monikers but I felt it was emotionless and just manipulative at this time. I neglected them. I have been minding my own business, I have actually become a pro at avoiding him, not making convos, being just with kids even when he is around and overall just making practical arrangements of what I will need from next week when he moves out. I dont cry at every thought anymore, I am more involved at work and able to focus on just myself and the kids, so some wins there. Last week I came across an old T shirt of his, from days when our MR was at its zenith, perfect frequency and harmony and I cried holding it. I grieved for the MR that it could be for decades to come, I mourned for the companion and soul mate I thought I had and have lost. This person is not the one I loved unconditionally, I have made mistakes, bitter tongue being the biggest of them but this inferno is not the just punishment for it. Well this pity session lasted for about 30 mins and the rest of the days I have finally found my anger. seeing how cruel it is to BD your W of 10 years when she has a nursing infant of 10 weeks, how heartless it is to consider breaking up a family of such beautiful children. My big realization, I deserve better, my children deserve better. We want him, but the better him, the one that can earn his place back. It has taken me 5 months to get to this place and boy did I fail so miserably the first few months. It is a leap for me though, from contemplating killing myself 4 months ago to knowing I will be okay and my children will flourish with just I raising them is a milestone. Like most LBS I play a million what if scenarios for when he comes back. Yes, I also believe it is a When, I know I should not count on it but well sometimes your heart just knows. May be I am ready for a 2x4 here but I do feel, we, the children and I are too good for anyone to just lose. For you see, I know we are perfect, I have my flaws that I am working on but looking at the general public out there, we are golden. Well, that is enough self pep talk, back to being humble. The dynamics are shifting I think, maybe he sees that I have let go a bit, maybe he is planning his next move, either way there is at least peace now. In the meantime, I have found my lost backbone too, it was bent and now I am back baby, bring the verbal attacks on, I will smile and walk out. On the mediation front, the document was supposed to be sent 10 days ago, no news. I know better than to think he has stopped the process. There was a clause he wanted to add and I said No so he is planning his next option. I continue being the light house, I feel more like it also, just installed a dimmer on the lights this week though, keeping it dim for now so we both have time to learn from our mistakes. I will keep adjusting the dimmer based on the progress I see. As always thank you for reading, my DB family you give me strength and hope, I wish I had people in real life I could be so open with.
