Nicole - she mentioned to me that she knows that she would be the last person that I would call on for help on anything. It was sandwiched in the middle of discussing a specific issue. I thought about it being an opportunity to validate maybe, but decided that there was nothing to validate. Me responding to it would have opened up a bunch of R issues that I am not going to entertain. I want her to come at me directly rather than using these side steps if she wants to talk about it. So, I kept the convo pleasant and straight forward. She again texted me about something today, which made me chuckle because I have already told her that what she's doing is none of my business unless it affects the kids. I don't care if she is dating or not and what kinda relationship she has with other men - whether friendships or something else. She went out of her way to clarify and it wasn't needed. I am not reading anything into it except maybe she wanted me to know something clearly. Words don't matter to me. Action does. So, until I see some action, this is all riff raff.
About things clicking in place mentally, what I understood is that I was trying to do two things simultaneously and prioritize the wrong thing over the other. I was trying to 'struggle for clarity' and 'struggle for action' at the same time, and I prioritized the latter. What I realized is that unless I have clarity, and know the answers to the why questions deeply, the struggle for action will continue as a struggle because I don't have a deep rooted understanding of why I am able or unable to do it. And that clarity is about deep seated beliefs and trauma and self-narratives. There are always surface reasons why you want to do something, and they are good reasons, but they are not enough to sustain action. Only when deep rooted why's area answered can you flourish in action because you've done the emotional work. For example, my whole thing about the victim narrative in this thread - it blocked me from flourishing in action, no matter how good my reasons were to do it. Only when I identified the root causes, I am able to work through them and make the lasting changes.
And so when I say it clicked mentally and emotionally, it was through a long process of self-introspection, journaling, meditation, and questioning my story that I told myself about who I am. When this happens, your surface reasons are like bonuses that you get in life - better health, better relationships etc. And now because I've fundamentally rooted out the problems and the why's, I don't even need the surface reasons to engage and flourish in action. I already know that I can be a success and victimhood will not define me and my story moving forward.
I hope that makes sense. Sometimes it does in my head but I am not sure if I am explaining it well. This process also allowed me to really come to a better place of detachment and shedding co-dependency because I went from believing the story about myself, to actually trusting it. That chasm between belief and trust is such an important process and once you navigate it, it's like a whole new world has opened up. I trust my talents and my values and virtues, and no longer believe that I am this person and that person. I know I am fully.
The D at this point is inconsequential to me. I've come to a place where that is going to be a fact in my story rather than something that holds me down or back. So, when you take all the power away from the D and give it a new meaning, there is no reason to fear it or accelerate it. In my heart, I am already D'd. The last year has been living as if I've already gotten a D. So, if I made it through the 12 months, the rest of my life is going to be fine. I don't need her any more. I may want her, but not the past 'her'. Just like she wouldn't want the past 'me'. And I am no longer that man. And if I am no longer that man, then I cannot accept her without her going through growth and accountability. This 'me' wouldn't last in that R for a week. That certainty is so freeing.
Nef - haha! that's quite gracious of you. I honestly do feel like I have the force in me now. The last few weeks have been brilliant. My injuries sidelined me from working out and climbing, and so I had to sit with myself and figure this out. I was also desperate and hungry towards my self-actualization goals and once all the external stuff was put on pause, I gave myself the permission to follow through on that path. It's paid massive dividends. I honestly feel like a new man right now.
