There is a reason why I come back to these boards after so many years. Not because I am stuck wanting my ex back, or because all I think about is divorce or I am stuck in the period and mindset of when I was going through the heck......
It's the good advice and support on how to handle the post divorce stuff. The single mom dating and surviving. That stuff never goes away or is never in the rearview mirror like our divorces. it is very present. And lord knows I need help in this area, and I am not afraid to ask for it. I have wonderful friends IRL, ones from here, my life long friends, and they are all wonderful, but sometimes I just need to write stuff out and marinate over written responses, so thank you all.
I saw my IC yesterday after like 2 months. I need it. She knows me well, I have been seeing her for 3 years. She echoed a lot of what you said about HC. She did point out one thing that all of you did that is huge and a pattern for me. I need to stop pursing. She knows I want someone to pursue me and I have to stop and let him do it. And pursuing as in making dates, and initiating contact. My reasons for doing it, while they really don't matter, is just me doing it out of habit (I run my ship) and another is I have always had to be the one to keep it together in my M and my other R's. The second I stopped in my M, he moved on to another woman. I also have only one day free a week, but he should be reaching out and asking which one that is. But she pointed out it is no fun and it doesn't feel good for me to be the only pursuer. She said I MUST let him come to me, I am not to reach out and I am not to make the next date. And I will not. I promise you all.
GB- you did not insult me at all. You are right! What bugs me is I know he could reach out and say hi, and he is choosing not to. I am with you, I feel like this isn't going to turn into anything. I know what it is. We are having some hot sex and enjoying each others company in shared interests. We have deep conversations, but the truth is, he does not want an R, and probably won't anytime in the future. And I do. My IC said to me, "Ginger, enjoy it for what it is, do not close the door to the things you do want, but know right now this is what he is giving you. it's not like you are giving up other potential R's for this." She said she does not know that he may not want anything and I shouldn't assume that. But I do know exactly what you said. he is choosing not to think of me when I am not around. For a number of reasons, that's his choice. And it is what it is.
See, I do want an R eventually. With someone. I don't expect it early on, I just want it to have some potential and two people should have the same goals when dating. I think I deserve it. I think I am worth it. I think whatever guy ends up with me as a partner will be fortunate. I am aware, it most likely be with HC. I actually don't really have any sort of major romantic feelings. I am not letting myself, and he is not letting me. My IC asked me how engaged he is when with me and I said very. Everything is relaxed, we are comfortable around each other, flirty, ect. She asked me if it was the transitions (coming and going) where he is uncomfortable. She asked me this before I even told her. she said this is someone who is really just not used to this yet, or ready. It's common for where he is at.
I felt awfully weak and pathetic yesterday. Then I took a spin class. A very intense one where I used to go and it's kind of a race where we all get places. My left quad burned, my leg doesn't move as fast as I wanted it, but I felt so good just giving it my all. It was like in the movie "I feel pretty". I came in 6th out of 9th place which I was happy for, because I was pretty sure I would come in dead last. I got off that bike just feeling good. Like I am worth it. Like I am a prize. I need to stop selling myself.
So, today is a better day. I am meeting an ex/coworker/friend for lunch. I am going out for dinner and drinks tonight with friends. D10 and I are visiting our dear DB friends Saturday, sunday we have a day at the beach. I have a very full weekend. I have got a life.
Last edited by job; 07/27/1803:51 PM. Reason: fixed a carriage return
....and as far as the double standard, it p@sses me off that it exists, but it is what it is. I'm sure many guys have let go of some wonderful woman because she slept with him soon. Too bad for that guy who didn't get to know the woman who is confident in her sexuality, has her sh!t together, is a good mother, has a great career and is smart and intelligent all because you wanted sex as much as her. Total package if you ask me.
Last edited by job; 07/27/1803:50 PM. Reason: edited a word
Betty was smart and beautiful, but they all chased after Veronica. They are all going for women that are not truly available. These boards alone are proof.
The more I read, the more I think that I'm an outlier which TBH doesn't surprise me much.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
....and as far as the double standard, it p@sses me off that it exists, but it is what it is. I'm sure many guys have let go of some wonderful woman because she slept with him soon. Too bad for that guy who didn't get to know the woman who is confident in her sexuality, has her sh!t together, is a good mother, has a great career and is smart and intelligent all because you wanted sex as much as her. Total package if you ask me.
In the limited number of very serious relationships I have had in my lifetime, there was active pursuit by the other person in the two cases where I didn't more or less get friend-zoned. While I didn't sleep with my first love on the first date, she invited me in with an obvious invitation and she did succeed on the second. My ex, who I was with for 26 years had me in bed with her the first night we met and never let me out of her sight for years.
Now Ginger - you and I have for years now agreed that I'm not the sort of guy you are interested in. I do make decent pancakes but also have ugly wallpaper in my house so my perspectives may not be that of the sort of guy you are looking for.
Now for me, intimacy is commitment and exclusivity. Let's say that "church lady" did slip through my door this past weekend. I would have been pleased but also terrified. I would have had an expectation that it was the beginning of something that would bloom into something more. It didn't happen and that was probably for the best. But a key thing here is that I needed her to drive the agenda on where she wanted things to go. Especially in this more modern age informed consent is so very very important. I was raised to treat all woman like a lady giving them respect and respecting their rights to make their own choices about their lives and their bodies.
In my engagement with several women over the past 2 years I believe that I've shown interest in a respectful fashion (no hoo baby! Shake that thang!) and opened the door to communication. In some cases it's happened. I've heard from Church Lady a few times since the weekend but only about mundane things as we were organizing how we could mee to some of her stuff. That didn't pan out for the short term and I sort of expect that she'll drift off. Perhaps she's waiting for me to do the active chasing? I don't know. Drives me nuts a bit TBH
As far as guys who expect sex on the first, second, x date - yeah - that's a thing. I know that it's not 1954. You see a few here who aren't like that though so I hope it gives you some different perspective that "not all guys are the same". I'm (more or less) voluntarily celibate because I have ugly wallpaper and haven't gotten close enough to anyone to make that irrelevant. Doodler perhaps because he would hate to show up for a date in the same outfit as his date had chosen.
Not sure if this was helpful or not - but it is a different perspective from the (seemingly large) number of men here who before the ink is dry on their divorce are jumping into dating and new relationships.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The more I read, the more I think that I'm an outlier which TBH doesn't surprise me much.
I knew I liked you for some reason, Andrew. I like outliers. Some women like bad boys, but its those outliers that get me every time.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
As far as guys who expect sex on the first, second, x date - yeah - that's a thing. I know that it's not 1954. You see a few here who aren't like that though so I hope it gives you some different perspective that "not all guys are the same". I'm (more or less) voluntarily celibate because I have ugly wallpaper and haven't gotten close enough to anyone to make that irrelevant. Doodler perhaps because he would hate to show up for a date in the same outfit as his date had chosen.
Not sure if this was helpful or not - but it is a different perspective from the (seemingly large) number of men here who before the ink is dry on their divorce are jumping into dating and new relationships.
I second what Andrew says that not all guys are the same. It is easy to try to lump like with like and I hear men do the same thing to women and lump them all together, but the fact of the matter is that we are ALL individuals. Now, having said that, I think some of us....well, I'll just speak for myself here....I think I sometimes tend to want to lump men together because I tend to be attracted to and attract similar men who are rather similar to each other. When I look at the men I've been with, dated, been interested in...REALLY look at tthem....they all fall within some very typical behavioral and attitudinal (is that even a word?) parameters that could easily cause me to just say ALL men are this way when that is not reality. I said it in one of my other posts though, that perception = reality, so if it is my perception that all men are the same based on the fact that I choose similar men, then does it not stand to reason that my reality would be that all men are the same? I know I'm rambling with a lot of pseudo psycho babble there and I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist (nor do I play one on tv), but the short point I'm trying to make with this very long rambling is that I think sometimes men and women both tend to want to lump ALL men or ALL women into one big category based on our own personal experiences. I think it is Don who has pointed out several times that you can't continue to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Spot on!
G, I have said before and I'll say again and I think everyone on your posts has said something very similar. You are awesome. You are a catch. You have great value and worth as a strong, independent woman. It's ok to want an R or just want a fling that makes you feel good. H3ll, it is ok to want an R with HC, but realize that he is not in a place right now to reciprocate that. It's ok to go for what you want, but in that pursuit of happiness, you sometimes have to proceed with caution, keep an open mind and really listen to what is going on around you.
Go out there and enjoy your weekend with your D10 and your friends and just live it up. Live your best life and let those whom you want to bring along for the ride enjoy it with you.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Andrew, I appreciate the perspective and it does help. HC actually told me that doesn't usually happen until the 6th date for him (he told me after). But he always tells me how he appreciates my comfort in my sexuality as a grown woman and there is nothing wrong with that and he respects it. Is it BS? I don't know.
To also speak to what you just said. I decided to reactivate my OLD profile. Since there is absolutely nothing to do at work today, believe it or not. I have been chatting with a divorced single dad. He wants to go out. Part of me feels like it is wrong because I am dating/sleeping with someone. But there is no commitment. I would never ever ever sleep more than one person at once, so that's off the table. This guy says in his profile "looking for someone who believes in love and commitment"
I guess I'll jump in since I seemed to have got this $hit started.........for the record I slept with my XW on our first date and our R lasted for 17 years and spawned 2 beautiful girls. That being said I have never been a date around and sleep with multiple women type of guy however our attraction was instant. I would drive 2 hours in the middle of the night to visit her, get 2 hours of sleep, and drive home the next morning. I have not taken a poll so I don't know if most men are "players" or not but maybe there are more out there than I realize.
I don't fault anyone for the choices they make as those choices are theirs to make. Do what makes you happy G however if your not getting the results that you want then consider changing it up!
Eh, probably feels wrong to you because you would probably like to be in more of a structured relationship with him. If the guy on OLD asks you out then go. Just have fun. People, particularly women although men do it to on occasion, have a tendency to act or feel committed to single people. I know you have very limited free time (i am with you there) but I also would not set aside my “free day” for HC. If he asks and you are free then yes, but fight the urge to lock hm in for that day. Everyone has a life at this point-a full busy one and you are no exception. Value your free time.
Don’t feel obligated to act like you are in a relationship with someone who specifically said they are not looking for a relationship. You are worth what you want. Act like it.
Cheers!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I am sorry you had such a rough day yesterday. The guy has a lot of issues to work out, as well as putting his focus on his child. Everyone has given you good advice. I would suggest that you not provide dessert to someone until you are sure that there is a relationship blossoming. Some won't do the hard work to keep a relationship going if they know that you are willing to do a large majority of the work when it comes to arranging dinners, etc., and yes, providing dessert early on into a blossoming relationship. Make them work for the dessert...they'll appreciate and respect your more if they see that you are not going to provide dessert early into meet ups.
Ginger, you are worth far more than what this man has to offer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
so my perspectives may not be that of the sort of guy you are looking for.
