Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

I didn't sleep last night. Laying in bed going through the week. Integrating logic in a very illogical situation. I didn't do great, but I didn't do horrible this week. Some steps forward, some back. Reflecting back, I made the mistake of jumping on the rollercoaster ride a little too much, let things get inside my head and affect my overall attitude. Although it wasn't horrible, I could have done much better if I was adulting better. Trying to soak myself into work to distract me and at the same time making sure my kids are not left behind during this total disconnect with my W. Weird. As I lay resting, contemplating, reflecting, etc. all through the night. I have realized my W's sleep patterns. She starts off fairly cold, distant and farther away. By 3-4 am, she is moving over towards me. I am giving her space, but if I am steady and awake or not, she is moving towards me. The skin/skin connection (totally non sexual) happens in that time period. Example, this morning the actually reached out toward me and when her hand met mine, she grasped and held my hand. WEIRD. A few other minor, but skin on skin contact happened coming from someone who supposedly is moving on and is "done" with me. D had a bunch of friends stay the night and they were loud, stayed up late and I believe they had a great time. LOVE the fact that even though my D and I have a strained relationship, that her friends are very comfortable around me and feel safe and happy in our home. W is still all over the place. Cordial sometimes, even actually nice at others, but as soon as she feels that she is back in a comfort zone, she rebels and closes up and for the best descriptive term for the woman I love, she becomes a cold hearted B.

Taking Steve's advice to heart. and I have said this for the last few weeks. Limbo [censored], but it is a gift. As of this moment, WE (my family) have made it through another week in our home. Not perfect by any stretch. I may be blind as a bat as to what my W is really doing out there. Reminder of the health challenges, kid summer responsibilities, health issues, and all of the other stuff, I still feel my wife is looking for a way out presently with the very weird interactions all along the way.

Detaching better will help. Tough to do with an in house Separation. Hopefully my GAL gets better. I hope to have lunch today with a High school friend that is in town. She is Totally married, and of course so am I, so it is just a friend get together.

Up early again today. 3 teenagers in the house attributed to the no sleep thing. I do love that my D feels totally comfortable with her friends over. W expressed concern that she wasn't in the mood for that earlier in the day. I said I would take care of getting them dinner and watching over them.

To recap. Not a crazy week. I did ride the rollercoaster WAY too much and need to work on jumping off that ride and being more of the lighthouse.

Headed into the unknown (weekend and what may/may not happen) but at the moment I feel actually decent about our week. No ultimate hopes or dreams as this is a LONG process.

Happy Friday to all. I hope your weeks went amazingly better than mine. I do read and follow other situations. NOT a vet by any means, but if I feel I can add, I will definitely comment.

Sandi2, Am I just crazy, or on the Ozzy Osbourne Crazy Train?