The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[lusa]

At the weekend she brought up the issue of me moving out of my current place on 2 separate occasions. The first time she said she can’t believe I have given notice and am just presuming I will move back to the family home with no plan B or plan C. She then asked I think about it and come up with plans B & C to show her.

The next day she brought it up again, I think because I was clearing the attic and she knows it is linked to me planning to return. This is roughly how the conversation went:

W You can’t just move back to the home that lightly, we have to agree to work on the MR before you can come back and that’s not going to happen in the next 2 weeks.
It will confuse the kids if you come back and then leave again.

H I won’t leave again

W What if I need you to leave again after 2 weeks?

H I’ve changed, the old behaviours you found intolerable aren’t there anymore

W I don’t believe that, and I can’t see it. You haven’t shown me your financial plan or gone on an anger management course. You haven’t taken me out.

H Can I take you out?

W Yes

H Thank god for that (it just came out). You know I couldn’t do any of this because you have refused to discuss anything with me for so long.

W I had nothing to say to you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I think it’s best we co-parent separately. I’m scared that you are just being nice to get what you want and when I don’t give it to you, you will turn nasty. We’ve got on much better since we have been separated, but as friends.

H We have got on much better but it’s because I have woken up and because of my changes. True separation / D is such a big decision with huge ramifications. Don’t you think we should try to reconcile before making that decision?

W Instigating our separation was also a big thing that I didn’t do lightly. Where were you planning on sleeping here?

H If you have an issue with the MBR, then in the attic or on the sofa

W The attic isn’t conducive for sleeping and your not sleeping on the sofa. I remember when S14 was 5 (9 years ago) and saw you sleeping on the sofa, he said mummy I don’t think daddy likes you anymore.
(This is so typical of our conversations, she always brings up random incidents from the past that I’ve never heard before but make me look bad)

W If you move back in I will put the house up for sale immediately (and then corrected herself to “we” will put the house up for sale immediately, she's so entitled she keeps referring to all our shared possessions as hers)

W I get to decide who I want to share my bed with. I need to be with someone who I want to throw my arms around.

H Feelings can change over time

W They also might not

So there it is a difficult R talk that I made lots of mistakes in and am not proud of. It’s easy to not initiate R talks, but when she initiates and asks direct questions I seem to lose it and just blurt out the truth – that I still love her and want to R

Despite my 180’s she is constantly looking for any instance she can use against me and prove her decision to S was right. It’s such a steep uphill battle, I am ready to give up completely. There is so much resentment in her that has taken years to build up, I have to be realistic our chances of R are not even 10%. She’s made her mind up and she is very stubborn.

I feel it’s strange that we can have a conversation like this and then the next day she asks if we can go on a family day out on Sunday and if I will consider us all going camping with family friends next weekend.

So my plan is to move back in anyway and take whatever consequences that creates. I almost don’t care if she moves out or we have to put the house up for sale anymore. Even though I’m scared of the consequences I’m going to do it any way, I’ve had enough.

If this happened with her agreement, it would be much easier for everyone and she wouldn’t lose face. I don’t need this decision to be tied to our MR but she has made it clear she does. So I am going to for the first time initiate an R discussion and ask her if she will agree to me moving back and us working on the MR. I’ll provide the financial info, show her I’m booked on anger management and ask her on a date.

If she doesn’t agree I’ll tell her I’m moving back anyway and she can choose what to do about it.