Hoosjim's 16th. Looks like we're piecing, folks.

[hoosjim]

Okay, so, it turns out that, as disturbing as a couple of those other incidents are, I was apparently precipitous in worrying about the Google search for OMs old hangout. That establishment came up today as we were talking at dinner (we met for dinner and drinks at a cozy little outdoor place we know) about things. I didn't mention her Google search, but that establishment came up when I was talking about how this is still new for us and about how the hurt is still there for me and that there are lots of things that still bring it to the surface, like when I'd drive past the OM's old establishment where i and subsequently my wife used to hang out with him. So, then, my W asks me "do you think you would ever want to go back there? You know, like a "take it back kind of thing?" And i said "I think that I could, but im not necessarily eager to do so right now." To which she said, "Yeah, i know, but i know you really liked hanging out there at one time, and that you thought their hot wings were the best" [Me: They absolutely ARE the best] Her (continuing): "I was trying to figure out a way the other night to get you some, like maybe if they were on Uber Eats or some other delivery service" To which i said "Oh, well, yeah... that would be cool... though i wouldn't necessarily be averse to ordering takeout and walking in there myself to pick them up" (As she knows, i went there a couple times on my own to confront OM) Me (continuing): "They moved, you know..." Her: "Yeah, i saw that when i was looking them up."

So, it appears that it is fairly likely that she was just exploring the possibility of getting me some wings from there, which she knows i loved and that i miss dearly. This is consistent with her web searches from that night and also her travels, etc.

Which would be great news and have me carwheeling.... if she hadn't pulled that crap last night with staying after at work and previously going out Friday without telling me. (About the latter, we did talk about that some, me pointing out that had i called home and gotten one of the boys who had said "Mom's out" with no further explanation, or even with an explanation, that it probably would have set off alarm bells with me since the hadn't told me. She had, apparently, told the boys where she was going, but she conceded my point and that it was unwise.

i think having the discussion with the guidance of the MC is vital... that way you can talk openly about what you see as red flags... and if she gets defensive, MC can help her see your perspective... and you need to lay it all out in MC... the going out to comfort a friend late at night while you were away--without telling you about it first... that should be a no-brainer... even between couples who don't have the issue of past infidelity--most would let the other spouse know, even if just for safety reasons... and don't forget about her self-image issues... those are important to bring up in MC... she needs to continue to work on that in IC--until she no longer has those issues...

FWIW, she does not seem at all defensive right now and is at least acting very contrite. She agreed we should still be seeing and talking to MC, at least jointly, though she says her body issues are behind her as a "hang up" even though she wishes in a perfect world she were in better shape. And she says she is in a "good place"... that she is very fulfilled and happy being with me and knowing that i care for her and her for me. So not sure she is easily going to concede to IC, though i really think she should be getting some either from a counselor or a pastor.

re: talking with the doctor about his marital problems... she is not ready to be his support... first of all, it's not appropriate because of their business relationship... secondly, she is not on firm ground herself... not yet...

this is going to be a really hard one. She swears up and down that they are "just friends" and that there is "nothing going on" and that there are no designs on something more either way. Who knows, she may even believe that (she certainly sounds like she does) and i suppose (though i really doubt the doctor's innocent intentions) that it is possible that she is right. Nonetheless, it is unquestionably dangerous, and (though she would disagree with my assessment here) unseemly. We have had this conversation before, and, as a result of our blow up in March and my "conditions", she has not stayed after with the doctor and her GFs or with anyone... but they obviously work together and talk daily. She is resistant to the idea of "losing friends" because she "has so few". I have brought up the specter of "You have missed cues from guys interested in you in the past, most infamously with OM", to which she responds "I was not innocent there, i was looking which she says is NOT the case now and she is confident doctor isnt. I have my doubts, obviously. At any rate, my point is that she is not going to cave easily on this one and not, IMO, without resentment. Probably be best coming from the MC, but still a toughee. Steve is right that she probably could have quit... but she is of the mind that she can't because the kids' college is proving so expensive and we have almost nothing saved up.

are you having date nights? is there an activity the two of you do together?

Yah, we are doing plenty together right now. Making it a point to have date night once a week and getaway weekends at least once every 2 or 3 months. We have been having a lot of fun actually planning and doing all sorts of different things.Next weekend, for instance, im taking her to a drive in movie near us where they are also having a muscle car "drive and show" ahead of time (she has always loved these kinds of cars). Friend of mine is loaning me his mustang convertible for the night (which she doesn't know about yet) and which should make it more fun.

Right now the boundaries, particularly WRT the doctor, seem to be the biggest problem.

Artista, thanks as always for all your help and insight... it really is and has been invaluable to me.