Friends: Season 2--The air has cleared

[Underdog]

Randy,

I see so much hope for you in your post!!! I'm glad you decided to open this up, because it's time you took a good look at your glass and see it half full instead of half empty.

Getting strong? That is an element of time. That's one of the many reasons they say time is your friend. Use it to your advantage.

Before I head into specifics in regards to your W, I want to address the topic of grieving.

Randy, you have a special needs son, so I KNOW you know more about grieving than many ever will. I'm going to encourage you to do this, because this is how you become stronger. Grieving is a natural process... in order to live healthily and happily, you must pay it homage.

What you seem to be experiencing now is grieving over the death of your former R with your W. Yes, that R is dead. But in order for your M to be happy, both spouses must be happy. Your W was not, so your M was affected. Try to find a reason to be happy that she chose to do something about it--rather than to keep withholding from you and making you wonder if this was all in your head.

Don't spend too much time dwelling on the grief, but recognize that it's there and that it is important. And while you're doing this, make your list of goals and begin to put yourself as a priority.

Look at this crossroads as a means to bury your old R and forge a new one. One that holds promise and joy.

This is where I get to head right to you.

I'm willing to bet a whole lot of money that when you guys became friends, you were centered, happier and having fun. You probably had a whole lot to offer her and others. (You see that I'm encouraging you to tap into this resource heavily when making your goals, right?)

You said that she said she cares for you but is not in love with you. Well, welcome to the club! We've all heard it before, and look how far many of us have come? When we first started posting here, we really were convinced that we were going to die of broken hearts.

Let your W continue to be stubborn. But that doesn't mean that you have to be.

You mentioned Wonder's post specifically... one I remember. Also one I addressed in my own post (it is not an accident). You'll see this thought addressed throughout this forum--by both people who are reunited with their spouses and ones who are not together.

The only way you have a fighting chance to get her back is to SHOW her that you've changed. There are many reunited marriages in this forum where the benefits of the changes have convinced the WAS to put forth the effort and risk to make things work the second time around. Why not you?

But I repeat: It is absolutely imperative that you work on yourself. Actions speak louder than words, especially during a separation. (I'm also advocating keeping those words light and cordial.)

Mr. Wonderful and I are still separated. He's living in an apt about 15 minutes away from me and the girls. He walked out a few days after New Year's Day last year. I really believe that we would not have been able to make this work if he had stayed... because I doubt very seriously I would have seen the severity and criticality in changing some awful behaviors of my own.

Hey, I'm primarily Celtic... we're known for our fiery tempers and blazing passions. That fits me to a T. I finally figured out that the temper was something NOBODY liked about me. Now I'm as docile as a Eunuch (just kidding!).

But I noticed when I was visiting my folks in DC last month that I got it from my mother. She is impatient, and irritated just about everywhere she goes: drivers don't move quickly enough, people in line seem to piss her off by existing and she jumps all over my dad when he's not doing things her way.

I realized that I was destined to become that way too if I hadn't made the changes that I did. My parents are absolutely astounded at the difference... my dad wrote me an eloquent letter a couple months ago, letting me know how proud he is of me. He said I changed into a person he never thought possible... and my D10 has said the same thing. THAT is my reward, Randy.

Because if Mr. Wonderful doesn't want to take a chance with me again, some other guy is going to really reap the benefits of the changes I made--and deal with all the passion that is dying to erupt! Passion in every sense of the word, not solely in the sexual sense.

You deserve exactly the same thing. You already get high marks for traveling a path I know was difficult. Raising a disabled son has made you more qualified than you realize.

BTW, one of my model couples are people I consider my adopted parents here. They had a son with CP who was murdered by his caretaker. The W kicked her H out for almost a year after their 29th anniversary. They are still back together and have been happily married for 47 years. I have listened to their advice, and guess what? I take it! Why reinvent the wheel?

If I can do this, ANYONE can!

Betsey