WW-is there hope? Any advise from former WW's

[sandi2]

From this point forward, I encourage you to stop thinking of her as being the same woman that was your W. This woman is different. She has changed. She is not logical, and you won't be able to reason with her. She is completely consumed with selfishness and is not interested in anything that does not benefit her in some fashion. She has fired you as her H. As far as she's concerned, she's already emotionally divorced you.

Don't try to argue with her. Don't try to persuade her. Don't share something you've learned from the board, b/c these are your tools, not hers. Understand? In other words, don't take a sentence you picked up from the forum that sounds cool, and say it to her. That doesn't work well. Only exception is if we specifically tell you to say it to her. Okay?

She said well I have been decided for a while now that I want the D. I was floored. So I drove over there and we talked about allot of things. For instance why didn't you tell me you were so unhappy for all these years and we could have been working on all of this. Her reply was I have never been able to open up to you.

The WW will rewrite the marital history. She may say things like she was never in love with you, or she was never happy, and that she just faked it, etc. You cannot believe any of this type of talk. Most all WW's say very similar things. In fact, we refer to it as "script", b/c it sounds as if they all read from the same script. So, whenever she makes these type of remarks, remember not to react to it.

I told her I didn't want the D and she kept insisting that this is what she wants and nothing will change her mind.

Okay, so you've told her you don't want a D. It is not necessary to tell her again. Some LBH's feel that they must repeat it, but it actually works against him to do this. The more the H resists what she wants, the worse she'll treat him, in order to get the D. I'm not saying you have to agree to it. I am saying not to do actions that make you appear to be clinging to a woman who doesn't want you. That would be extremely unattractive. The sooner you can start showing actions that suggest you have let her go, the faster she's going to stop pulling away. It's like a dance. The H steps toward her, and she steps away. The H steps back, and it draws her toward him.

A couple days later she called me at work. She said I want to tell you Im very sorry for hurting you so bad. Then she said a co worker told her that in a divorce I would most likely use the AP against her. I said I most likely would and that I would be getting a Shark for an attorney to protect myself and so on.

Well, that's unfortunate, but let it be a lesson learned. You cannot "share" your personal business with her. You cannot talk to her like you did before she started this affair. You must learn to keep a poker face, and hold your cards close to your chest at all times.

So its like she is living this double life. She interacts on facebook and texting with our families but then has this AF going on behind the scenes that only a few really know about.

She is living a double life, and will continue as long you as you enable her. She wants the best of both worlds. She feels she should still go to all the family celebrations, special events, and family activities.......b/c she has a sense of entitlement. She'll want to play family when it is convenient for her. However, it means nothing. She is not trustworthy. Don't forget it. And......never trust any sudden changes in her.

She says this other guy she really likes him but not in love with him. She even says that she doesn't see her self with him but that could change. She also mentioned that she could drop him any time but I don't buy it.

It is just WW b.s. You are wise not to listen to it. The longer you put up with her cheating, the less chance you have in restoring the MR, IMHO. LBH's wait entirely too long before they start showing actions of dumping the WW. If they would dump her as soon as they learn of OM in the picture.......she would immediately stop chasing OM and start chasing her H. By the time the H finds his way to this board, he's used up valuable time. But, we'll still try to get you back on track.