I Changed my thread title today because I am dealing with a WW. I would like to here from anyone but thought it would be nice to here from any former WW's that came out of the Fog etc. Thanks in advance. Lane
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Hi Lane, I saw your post on another thread. I'm sorry you and your children are having to deal with this type of situation. Is your W staying with her parents?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, So good to see you. I have read so many of your threads and know you are very in tune with a WW. Yes, my W moved into her parents basement on May 20. They only live 2 miles down the road.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Lane, Sorry your here but u found a new home for now if you read my story about a year ago I felt the same way I also questioned many of your questions how do we go dark well unfortunately we can't but we can control our emotions in front of them. You must treat W like a stranger or like someone you will do business with nothing more. I have 3 young kids also.
So first thing please please protect your finances please no if buts or what and second get your kids custody because W can come anytime and use your kids as pawn when W doesn't get her way. I know what your thinking W wouldn't do that well read my thread my W did something's I never thought an evil person would even do.and 3rd you going be kids super hero so put your dad cape on and never take off
Am here if you need advice my case went as far as GAL, kids got a lawyer to speak for them is hard to tell what W you have there is moments I have a MLC sometimes a WW so we will never know but my W met a coworker also said they where just friends then W said I can't have female friends now it was a mess well little to know OW is 26 W is about to be 38 OW no kids and lived with her parents now they have a home together it gets worse before it get better so please prepare yourself.
One thing never let W see your emotions please even if she says am pregnant trust me our W or H will say some crazy [censored] makes you think your going crazy. Always take care of yourself first eat well, sleep and GAL with kids I am in your shoes so I GAL with kids we go everywhere free events or anything but never leave your kids because if you think your hurting your kids are in worse shape.
Not sure if your religious but churches do family group you don't need to be a church member get all the help you can emotionally. Lots of therapy for you and kids this feeling is going be a hella of ride and our ride is long. There's days am good I feel I am going to move on and there's days it feels like it happened yesterday but I know this will not happen overnight it was 10yrs for me with 3 beautiful kids we adopted and we wanted together now W regrets everything so please stay strong W will say some pretty horrible things and lies so you will have to be the man of steal.
In my prayers my New friend
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Sandi, Since she told me on July 9 she wants a D. Not much as happened at far as talking about our MR. I can tell you what got her to say she wanted a divorce. I was having a day where I just wanted to know. So I called her. I told her that my family is the most important thing to me and I felt that she has had plenty of time and space to decide. I said It seems to me you would rather spend time with OM than with me. I then said so what are you thinking you want to do? She said well I have been decided for a while now that I want the D. I was floored. So I drove over there and we talked about allot of things. For instance why didn't you tell me you were so unhappy for all these years and we could have been working on all of this. Her reply was I have never been able to open up to you. She also said that everything she did was because it was what I wanted etc. I told her I didn't want the D and she kept insisting that this is what she wants and nothing will change her mind. A lot of other things were said and I tried to paint a picture of how hard it would be on us and the kids and she didn't care. A couple days later she called me at work. She said I want to tell you Im very sorry for hurting you so bad. Then she said a co worker told her that in a divorce I would most likely use the AP against her. I said I most likely would and that I would be getting a Shark for an attorney to protect myself and so on. A few more days go by and I find out in my state it really doesn't matter if theres an affair or anything they just split everything. So I call her and told her I wish we could sit down and discuss our assets and debts and basically said neither one of us can afford an attorney or a divorce right now. She mentioned she was going to a Class where they help you start the paper work. I told her that we need to be open on how we feel and maybe it would be easier on us and the kids before we go berserk on attorneys etc. I asked her to hold off on the class. She was very critical about what she said because I mentioned I had everything documented. Here is where I wish I knew what I know now. She told me that after our phone call about me hiring a shark, she said she didn't sleep or eat for 2 days and could focus at work or anything. So I feel like I had an upper hand and then gave it all away when I called and basically apologized for telling her I was going to go after her. So that was about July 16. Since then, we met for dinner for my sons Bday. We met again the next day for Cake for about an hour. We've been civil and haven't talked about a thing. But we also don't say much to each other. Our texts are about the kids and once in a while about something else like so and so had a baby or she might ask a question about our car insurance. She is always saying thank you etc. We have a big family on both sides and she gets along really well with my sisters and my nieces lover her etc. We come for a religious back ground. We were married in our faiths Temple. So its like she is living this double life. She interacts on facebook and texting with our families but then has this AF going on behind the scenes that only a few really know about. She says this other guy she really likes him but not in love with him. She even says that she doesn't see her self with him but that could change. She also mentioned that she could drop him any time but I don't buy it. She said that out R was like this before and it would have happened either way. I know that is BS because of the journal entry my daughter found a few weeks back that said she had her eye on the OM for 2 years. So when she left it was easier for her to pursue OM in my opinion. She does love our children, but when there with me she tends to like her free time a little to much and my kids have a harder time gettin ahold of her. Usually its because she is hanging out at "a friends house". Anyways, I am at the point that I am trying to detach from her. I really started yesterday so she won't notice for a while. Also, while we were separated she planned a weekend for all of us and her side of the family at my sisters cabin in AUG. I was weak at the time and agreed to all of it. I guess I am going to GAL and when we all meet up I can be the more confident me and is moving on. Hopefully that works out. So Sandi, I am trying to paint a picture of my life in a few paragraphs. The kids went back to her today until basically Sunday. So Im pretty much by myself with a lot of time on my hands. Thanks for responding and thanks for your help. LANE
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
From this point forward, I encourage you to stop thinking of her as being the same woman that was your W. This woman is different. She has changed. She is not logical, and you won't be able to reason with her. She is completely consumed with selfishness and is not interested in anything that does not benefit her in some fashion. She has fired you as her H. As far as she's concerned, she's already emotionally divorced you.
Don't try to argue with her. Don't try to persuade her. Don't share something you've learned from the board, b/c these are your tools, not hers. Understand? In other words, don't take a sentence you picked up from the forum that sounds cool, and say it to her. That doesn't work well. Only exception is if we specifically tell you to say it to her. Okay?
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She said well I have been decided for a while now that I want the D. I was floored. So I drove over there and we talked about allot of things. For instance why didn't you tell me you were so unhappy for all these years and we could have been working on all of this. Her reply was I have never been able to open up to you.
The WW will rewrite the marital history. She may say things like she was never in love with you, or she was never happy, and that she just faked it, etc. You cannot believe any of this type of talk. Most all WW's say very similar things. In fact, we refer to it as "script", b/c it sounds as if they all read from the same script. So, whenever she makes these type of remarks, remember not to react to it.
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I told her I didn't want the D and she kept insisting that this is what she wants and nothing will change her mind.
Okay, so you've told her you don't want a D. It is not necessary to tell her again. Some LBH's feel that they must repeat it, but it actually works against him to do this. The more the H resists what she wants, the worse she'll treat him, in order to get the D. I'm not saying you have to agree to it. I am saying not to do actions that make you appear to be clinging to a woman who doesn't want you. That would be extremely unattractive. The sooner you can start showing actions that suggest you have let her go, the faster she's going to stop pulling away. It's like a dance. The H steps toward her, and she steps away. The H steps back, and it draws her toward him.
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A couple days later she called me at work. She said I want to tell you Im very sorry for hurting you so bad. Then she said a co worker told her that in a divorce I would most likely use the AP against her. I said I most likely would and that I would be getting a Shark for an attorney to protect myself and so on.
Well, that's unfortunate, but let it be a lesson learned. You cannot "share" your personal business with her. You cannot talk to her like you did before she started this affair. You must learn to keep a poker face, and hold your cards close to your chest at all times.
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So its like she is living this double life. She interacts on facebook and texting with our families but then has this AF going on behind the scenes that only a few really know about.
She is living a double life, and will continue as long you as you enable her. She wants the best of both worlds. She feels she should still go to all the family celebrations, special events, and family activities.......b/c she has a sense of entitlement. She'll want to play family when it is convenient for her. However, it means nothing. She is not trustworthy. Don't forget it. And......never trust any sudden changes in her.
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She says this other guy she really likes him but not in love with him. She even says that she doesn't see her self with him but that could change. She also mentioned that she could drop him any time but I don't buy it.
It is just WW b.s. You are wise not to listen to it. The longer you put up with her cheating, the less chance you have in restoring the MR, IMHO. LBH's wait entirely too long before they start showing actions of dumping the WW. If they would dump her as soon as they learn of OM in the picture.......she would immediately stop chasing OM and start chasing her H. By the time the H finds his way to this board, he's used up valuable time. But, we'll still try to get you back on track.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thanks for getting back with me today. I am re-reading everything. From this point on I know she's different. Everything you said she would say she has said..even the "faked it". Yesterday I decided to detach. I know way too late. I haven't heard from her or reached out to her at all today. She has the kids for the next few days. I think you mentioned in a different thread that the WW work is 3 fold. Sandi, I know my W is in there somewhere. My quick question is what do I do right now. Should I just be quiet and wait for her to contact/reach out to me? She is at work for another hour and then I know she will just be a her parents with our kids hanging out. Im not used to sitting in an empty quiet house so I usually got talk to an older friend of mine for a couple hours. This is so out of realm but think I can do this. Did I mention she has stage 4 kidney failure and is on the list for a kidney transplant? Yeah, so thats coming up. I know were not doctors but do you think it might be effecting her behaviors or do you think this WW fantasy has taken over her mind? Thanks again for your input...Im going to work on it as we speak.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
LANE, read the 37 rules. Make them your own, internalize them. The only contact you should initiate is necessary communication about the kids, otherwise, leave it alone. It's hard. You can't worry about her kidney thing right now either. I mean, sure, of course you'll be concerned for her and that's totally fine, but you have to let her face the reality of what you not being there for her other than for the kids means. Yeah, maybe "your W" is in there somewhere, but she's the only one that can find that person. You can't and it is pointless to try.
Just work on being the best you that you can be. If she notices and it gives her something to think about, then great. If not, you still have a life to live and kids to be there for and you and them need and deserve the best you possible.
Basically, put your MR concerns on the back burner. Focusing on saving the MR is only going to make you do the wrong things because you will feel a sense of panic or needing to do something because you will think time is of the essence. Let go, as much as you can, let go. When you do interact with your W, keep things brief but kind and polite and use good communication skills like validation and agreement where appropriate. No arguing, no pursuit, no convincing, no neediness or outward grief. Patience and perseverance. But most of all, patience.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Hongaku, I wish I would have known about all this stuff months ago. I did find a few things a few week after. But I had already done just about everything. The last couple weeks I have been mostly solid. I did ask for a hug the other day that she wasn't to fond of. I wish I wouldn't have done that. My mind set today is to detach and not try to think of ways to contact her. She has been the one to text me. I usually wait a while to respond. I don't want to say I am very excited about doing any of this but realize its really my last resort. The rules are great because they came from a former WW. Everything I have ever read basically says to let her go and work on yourself. I know we still like each other which is nice. Im glad we don't argue or fight. However I am a sales person and thought I could close the deal by talking and convincing and trying to persuade only to be shut down HARD. Patience keeps popping in my head. I appreciate you mentioning that at the end, twice. Thanks for chiming in and showing interest in my sitch. I really think it will work out for me in the end regardless. I want to make sure I do everything right so in the end I look and feel good. I believe if she notices what I am doing I will be a better option based on our history and kids etc. I just want that one opportunity to be the one to decide if I want it or not. Right now I do want it.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Lane, Am sorry I know you must think, how they don't care W have kidney problems unfortunately you no longer her hero. Is hard trust me I was the fixer W catch a cold I took care of Her. W even got surgery I wiped her A**. I even today had a rough day I ask the therapist how can W not remember all this. Unfortunately that's why is called a fog .
They simply see you as a enemy. Is crazy all at once not understanding how someone who loved you once is gone. W needs to find herself back home. Yes be there when she calls be her lighthouse but cut it short. So if W calls and say Hi keep it one word Example.
W. Hello how are you and kids Me. Kids are good W So how is your day going Me kids are good wants to speak with them W ....... Me ok we about to eat dinner bye
Always stay optimistic positive. We both know you going to cry but don't let her see that. Always firm. Is going be a tough road especially her being sick but make her realize what she losing Make her fall back in love with that MAN....
I read she loves the OM beard.. then let your beard grow out ... make her fall in love again remember that Guy you where
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
