Coming out of the Fog

[DonH]

I told him about my wants in a relationship and he was very open to them. I never told him my wants before. I was afraid to.

I cannot begin to say how often I've heard things like this. It's not just you Juju, but many women - and I'm sure men as well. They don't ask what it is they want from their partner or even a friend in a non-romantic R. Worse yet, even though they don't ask or state their needs and wants, their expectations remain as if they have!!!! Think about how crazy that is when I put it this way - "He has really no idea what I want and need from him and it makes me so very upset when he doesn't give me what he has no idea that I need." Now, that is a rather out there example but I think it makes my point. It is so very common. Many times the person who does not ask or state their needs is afraid to - "What if he doesn't want to do those things or give me these things?" Well I guess he might not. But he might be very willing to give you these things if he only knew that you wanted and needed them. To so many, it appears obvious - "well how could he possibly not know what I want - it's what EVERYONE wants." While some may think that what we want and need - is what "everyone" else wants and needs. NOT EVEN CLOSE. People are so different with what they want and need. That's the root of the 5 Love Languages - how people receive love IN DIFFERENT WAYS. What one person finds cute or loves to receive - another HATES.

Unless we are willing to ask for what we want and need, how can the other person really know? And then we get plssed off at them when they don't read our minds. Often I think this is based in our past Rs and our history.

I want to word this correctly Juju as I don't at all want to come off as mean or cold. It just seems that you've really been hurt by guys in the past and you have not healed from it well. You've lost the confidence to ask for what you need. You are perhaps not even sure - so it's just easier to avoid the conflict and walk or even run away. It's one thing to do so with the "big things." I mean, if some guy tares into with "You dumb Fckin C---, how could you be so f'n stupid?", that's pretty obviously someone who is abusive and you need to stay away from. You should not have to tell someone that words like that hurt your feelings. Contrast that with, "OMG, Juju, that was a Jehovah Witness you just tried to ask directions from," I can tell you that most girls I've known would laugh just as hard at it as I would if it were me. It would only be if you said "That kind of hurt my feelings" that most guys would even think about it. And yes, if he says something that hurts your feelings, you should say something RIGHT AWAY - not three days later. Or, are you embarrassed that it hurt your feelings and think that perhaps it should not - and that's why you don't want to say anything? If most things hurt your feelings, that may be more about you than about them.

It's amazing how COMMUNICATION continues to be one of the leading reasons couples divorce, yet many of us continue to struggle with communication. I know for me, if you will just tell me what you need, what it is I did to hurt your feelings, I will do everything I can to not do that again. But if I don't know, how could I? I think if you can increase your communication with this or any guy you will find yourself happier and pleasantly surprised at how some of these guys actually do care and actually do want to please you. Try to trust this guy enough to let him know what you want and need. I think you'll feel better - just like you did after you discussed it with him this time.