Still Navigating

[DonH]

Obviously my statement has struck a chord so I apologize if I offended anyone.....it was certainly not my intent. My only intent was to point out that this way of thinking does exist.

Don't feel bad Josepsh9 - I said pretty much the same thing nearly a month ago and got pretty much the same reaction. However, I stand by it - especially because I did not come up with it - others much smarter and with much more experience than I did. There is nothing new about this. We can hate that it's unfair and guys do it and women can't - although I'll say on this that the guys who do are looked on as players by many women and not respected as well. You can try to swim up stream and change the world but the phrase "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" has a basis in truth. Again, like it or not, I hear guys saying the same thing. We even know which girls are "easy" and have slept with several of our friends. And no, I'm not going to try to change the world by telling them they are wrong. Though not much, I've done it myself.

As for HC, I am really thinking it does not matter. He's been very clear from day one in that he does not want an R. He's been honest from the get go. I've dealt with this in my life as well. I can think back to someone I had a really, really fun summer with and still look fondly back at. I knew i didn't have a huge psychical attraction to her, but she was fun, she was good friends with the GF of one of my good friends, so we all hung out together. She was also one of the best in bed I've ever been with. But I told her from the first date on that I was just looking to have fun, I was not looking for an R. Yet, I think because I spent time with her, did pay attention, she thought I was changing my mind. I was not. I was honest right away and continued to be, yet she was somewhat surprised and hurt when I ended it. It had ran it's course and I was moving on. Guys and women as well will often tell us what's going on if we'll just listen.

So, in the case of HC, I don't think it would have mattered all that much as far as him wanting an R. I am nearly positive he would have pursued you more if he had to. However, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO!!! - so why would he? You are delivering everything to him on a platter - what is there for him to pursue?

I very much pay attention to trends and patterns. Things happen in one-off's but patterns and trends are where it's at. Being here with you Ginger and getting to know you some, there is a clear pattern to what you do. That's why I keep saying if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll continue to get what you've always gotten. Another trend I've seen over and over is you say one thing here or try to convince yourself of something yet you do another. "I'm not going to contact him - he will need to do it." Then within 24-hours you are contacting him. Or you'll try to convince yourself "I'm just having fun, I need sex too, it's no big deal." Yet that is not even close to the case. It's at least half the time that when you say you are going to do something - or not going to do something - you do the exact opposite within a week.

I really think you just need to be honest because I do agree with what you've said in that what you want is not wrong. It's not wrong to want an R - it is not. I really think you just need to be honest - perhaps first of all with yourself. Just own what it is you want. From what I can see, you want a BOYFRIEND. You want a RELATIONSHIP. You want someone to text you in the morning and say goodnight at the end of the day. You want to see them several times a week. You want the R to be headed someplace - hopefully to marriage. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things. But if you do, you won't get them from some of the guys you are trying to get them from. You are picking guys that do not want these things and tell you so. You will also not get there by going all in and giving away everything within the first few dates. It will both take the right guy and it will take time.

I may say this same thing on someone else's thread as well: There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want - when the timing is right. I agree with KML that at this point, saying that you feel bad that you don't hear from him much if at all between dates bothers you. I would not suggest saying that if you just had gone out to dinner a few times with someone - but after spending the night multiple times, cooking dinner, waking up and spending some time together in the morning, etc. there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for something like that. Although, the fact that he's not just doing it... I think that says something. I know that if this were me, I would not be able to keep from having some contact between dates - unless they were not dates and just booty calls with my FWB. Then again, even with my FWB, I'd have some contact. I wonder what he's telling his friends about you? I don't mean that bad either - as in I don't think he's speaking badly about you, but I wonder what is going on in his head? I can only assume.

You deserve what you want G. You don't have to just accept the crumbs these guys are willing to offer. That doesn't mean go full steam in right away, but you have so much more to offer than your body and your talents in the bedroom - SO MUCH MORE. I've seen this in so many women - might be seeing it now in Wild Girl for all I know and to be honest. I think you've been so beaten down by some of these guys - not on purpose, just in happenstance - that you don't have the confidence left. If you really want and need the sex - find yourself a FWB. I'm sure you can. But don't let any guy who you think you want an R with become one. I fear HC has.

There is nothing wrong with wanting what it is you want. Figure out what it is - then don't sell yourself short and don't let anyone else sell you short of it. You are wroth so much more!