Friends: Season 2--The air has cleared

[Underdog]

Wow, Randy, you sure ask tough questions! I'll try to answer them to the best of my ability right now and think about them some more.

BTW, I like your new name!

First of all, Mr. Wonderful is not an X. At least yet. I really don't think he will wind up as my XH, but you never know.

What I did wrong. Before he moved out, I did everything wrong. I cried constantly. I was VERY angry. I left him sappy cards on his dashboard. I put out our happiest wedding pictures. I pursued like you wouldn't believe. Wow, I'm making myself sick!

What I did right. I hooked up with friends who have traveled this path! I have 3 friends (who are still together) who gave me lots of great feedback. I decided to read more self help books. I insisted on getting a legal mediator. And when my D10 expressed a total fear of my anger and out of control emotions, I got a handle on them really quickly.

If I could do anything differently, well, the obvious answer would be I would have applied what I learned over the past year while I was still married. I would also have more faith in myself. I would have found DR a whole lot sooner, and I would have really made a point to quit lurking on this BB and start posting. Oh, I would have known I was a crazymaker and a control freak, so I wouldn't have had such a failure curve to overcome.

But you know what? I could make a list here and say that I've done a whole lot more right than I have wrong. And I have to tell you that I'm really pleased that I can say these words.

I know that many of you are thinking I'm completely nuts. But I'm going to repeat something I said to Merrick last month: I think that God gives us situations we can handle. I know a few of us who have commented that we couldn't live in another's shoes.

That being said, most of the time, I think I have it easier than others. Mr. Wonderful and I began our R as friends. We were best friends, and this foundation was what the rest of our R was built upon. (I really miss that guy the most.)

While things were not easy in the early months of our separation, it was me and my emotions that created most of the turmoil. He wasn't exactly agreeable, but he was not thinking clearly. Looking back, I feel fortunate that he would agree to sit down and discuss issues we had with our girls with a goal of being solution minded rather than focusing on blame.

I have to give him credit for putting his personal feelings aside.

As time marched on and I was getting the DB/DR principles down, I started really approaching our interactions from an observatory standpoint. I mentally tallied how I addressed him and monitored the results.

In short? I took Michelle's advice and stuck to her program. I decided that if I was in this pickle, I would find a way to make myself a winner--no matter what happened.

The more I applied acting AS IF and doing 180s, the more feedback I received. It took me awhile to figure this out, but I realized that Mr. Wonderful really DOES think of me as a close friend. I won't lie to you and tell you it was easy.

There were times when he would tell me stuff going on in his life (without ever asking anything about me or mine, naturally) and I would think to myself, "Oh, yes, it's all about you! Yippee! I can hardly wait to hear more! Want me to lie down in front of you so you can stomp on me? Why aren't you making new friends so I don't have to hear about you anymore?" Blah, blah, blah. You get it.

I understood last October that our friendship is what was going to bring this guy back into my stratosphere. He told me he didn't miss me, but his actions spoke for him loudly... my neighbors commented, "For an estranged guy, he sure as heck spends a whole lot of time over here."

Then I noticed that he would bring the girls over early and do a chore around the house. A few times he brought beer and asked me to play cribbage. He spent a weekend putting up Christmas lights on the house (and then went back to his apt and put them up around his balcony as well). He wrote to my parents.

Little things that told me I was still important at some level.

Let me reiterate that I no longer see these as baby steps. They were definitely steps then, because he was drawn closer to me by my actions and words. I honestly feel that this man loves me with all his heart. But he's so hurt and wounded that it might not be enough.

How he loved me over the past 5 years wasn't enough for me, Randy. He had horrible role models in both being a good spouse and in parenting. Well, if he can be a terrific dad, he can be a terrific husband too.

All in all, I married a great guy. But he's fearful of what it might take to heal. He fears me never forgiving him. He fears that this will come up for years. He fears that he will lose himself by choosing to love me the way he wants to be loved.

I understand all this, and it no longer scares me. He either decides that he is willing to work to come home or he doesn't. But this is where I have to be careful. I am a reformed control freak. I am a recovering crazymaker. And I married a man who acts very passive-aggressive to me when I make demands.

The key is to encourage him to make decisions and help him feel safe in making them. The former me wasn't so kind.

So where I know that I had to change, I finally see that I am not 100% to blame for our demise. He owns at least 50% of it.

Now it's time for my favorite part of this discussion.

While I wouldn't take $10M to relive the past 2 years, I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned for anything. I'm happier now than I have been for a really long time (maybe ever). I finally learned that if I don't take care of my needs on my own, I cannot expect someone else to prioritize them.

With the help of some wise and wonderful people here, I've been able to identify and correct some behaviors that caused me harm (though they weren't intentional). I've learned how to be respectful toward someone who has really and truly hurt me.

And I've taught my D10 how to love someone who hurt me. I've done it with a whole lot of dignity, and I really hope that she's a better person for this experience. We've become very close since her dad left, and I've become a much better and more understanding mother.

If you choose to do this for the right reasons, this can be the biggest present you ever give to yourself. I've learned more in the past year than I've learned in the previous 40 combined.

What I would suggest to you, if I may. It's tough to be friends with someone who's shot a dagger through your heart. But it is a wise person who realizes that they are hurting too. She probably didn't set out to hurt you--but to escape a situation that had become unbearable.

If you can empathize with her and validate her need to do something different, you might see this as the ultimate gift of love. God calls us to do this. I tell D10 that it's easy to love people who act loving and lovable. But it's a real test of faith to love people who need pity and compassion and who behave atrociously.

Find something positive about this situation, and you might be able to tap into a much bigger resource. I don't know the answers, Randy. But I would start by asking you one simple question: What was it about you that convinced her you were the one man she couldn't live without?

Come back and visit. I might have to start a new thread here before the day is out.

Good luck and a big hug to you.

Betsey