Coming out of the Fog

[AndrewP]

Something brought me over to this thread today. Actually it was spotting Vanilla's comments but I re-read back a bit.

Sorry I started typing and like usual couldn't figure out how to stop.

I agree both that unicorns are legendary creatures that if they exist, have very likely been hitched to the plow already and aren't wandering wild.

For people who have failed marriages - we are all damaged in some way or another. Whether we were victims of infidelity or finally had enough with a crappy partner or were the crappy partner ourselves - we're not unicorns.

Early on I was figuring that do find someone to share what remains of my life that I would have to settle. Part of that was because I had a very poor self-image and figured that I wouldn't be attractive to someone else.

But it scares me about men. And what is out there. <snip> but i am wondering if maybe NG is not so bad? He wants exactly what I want. Which is a committed relationship and partnership. He would not cheat. He is not an addict. Isnt that most of the battle in finding someone? He texts me everyday. He will work with me on issues. Offers to help. He just has a blunt and filterless personality. We dont really have similar interests. Hes not very sociable either.

A lot of people think that to be compatible that a couple needs to have the same interests. Personally, I don't think so. But they have to respect each other's differences. I used to say that the three little words that "saved my marriage" were "Have fun dear". We won't bother going down that rabbit hole too much. But it was true. My ex and I had different but somewhat overlapping interests. She liked a whole series of TV shows that I found too graphic to stomach. I built small boats and shopped for bow ties. She would be the life of the party. I would be sitting visiting and chatting with one or two people. You yourself wrote about a couple who made it work either despite of or because of their differences.

I've spent a bit over a year now being a lurker on a couple of OLD sites. There are some presumably very nice ladies out there. I've also met a number of ladies IRL and gotten closer to ones I knew before. I even had a date with one. I have realized now that my eyes are open to it that there are indeed quite a number of mature single ladies around even here in my remote area. And when grocery shopping and such now that I have an idea of what to look for, there are a large number of mature single men around too.

If I were to be more actively looking for someone perhaps I could indeed find a lady friend (don't like calling them "girls") in relatively short order. Maybe I already have. There are three that I've been getting to know who are in the "maybe" group. Do they have flaws? Darned tootin they do. Two of them are smokers. One appears to be quite controlling. One has never had to "adult" much still living with her parents in her 40s. I could go on.

I've been assured by a great number of people that if I chose to dive into the shallower end of the gene pool that there are lots of opportunities for me to have relationships that may also be shallow but would mean that I'm not waking up alone. It drags on me to be alone. I think it does on many of us. But when I do make a choice I want it to be the right choice for me and for that other person. Not just because it's convenient.

Does that make me love-avoidant? I dunno. Two of the ladies I had some interest in are now somewhat unavailable. One changed jobs and while she did return the couple of texts I sent her, it was pretty clear that I am firmly in the friend / guy she knows zone now. One moved to another country.

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I wanted to also touch on trust. It's not explicitly mentioned in your post JujuB - bit it is implied especially around gas-lighting. My default position is to trust. I know that people aren't trustworthy. It used to annoy me that I felt that I was "obliged" to trust my ex when she would promise to do some task or other knowing full well that it wouldn't get done. I accepted the regular lies about all sorts of (usually small) things as just the way she was.

I make an effort to show myself to be trustworthy - seeming silly on that. I for example have no issue and will just hand over my phone to someone else, especially if it is a lady who I am interested in. Things I don't want them to see - bank accounts and such-like are under another layer of security but if asked I would - if the reasons were valid certainly show that. Another example is the lady that I've recently started to get to know a bit. She was having a bad day and so I gave her my contact info and said that she was welcome to call if she needed to talk. I didn't ask for her's.

I do think that one of the biggest things holding me back from a new relationship is trust. It's almost as if I expect that anyone I will meet will in some way minor or major betray my trust. I may explore this more elsewhere.

So as others have said JujuB - don't "settle". If you or any of us chose to form a relationship with someone I think we need to accept that people have flaws and will reveal / develop new ones as time passes. You and we all need to decide what flaws are deal-breakers and which ones we can accept.

Just my 2 cents $CAD