Okay, might be setback time. Two nights ago I woke up at 4am and W was gone from the bed. I found her asleep in the spare bedroom. In the morning, she claimed she couldn't sleep all night and was having an anxiety attack (had to be at some intense training drills early in the morning). She has been saying she has had horrible sleep since moving back to the bed and yesterday mentioned she might need to go back to sleeping separately. Obviously, I wasn't happy, and she wasn't up for discussing it. She told me she didn't want to have the same conversation we have had on repeat for months (R talk). She asked if I thought everything was just magically better and then expressed that she is feeling suffocated again and doesn't think it will ever change. Since she didn't want to talk, I just listened and let it drop.
I see your W as being a major controller and game player. If she feels she is conforming too much, and she sees happier interactions from you.......she pulls back. It's her way of regaining power and to show you that the MR is not that easily fixed. I think it's her way of holding it over your head. It's important that she doesn't get the desired response. I suggest you not react, show no emotion, and most of all.....don't have a R talk. I suspect she just wanted to remind you that she's still in charge.
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She asked if I thought everything was just magically better and then expressed that she is feeling suffocated again and doesn't think it will ever change. Since she didn't want to talk, I just listened and let it drop.
Good way to handle it, 44! Don't offer suggestions, show any emotional response, try to fix her, or argue with her feelings.
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She did sleep in the bed last night and commented that I wasn't on my phone before we went to sleep.
Notice this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^, b/c she is talking in female code. She is telling you something that's very important to her. When it's time to snuggle down and go to sleep......she wants it to be just the two of you in bed. I remember you not appreciating her looking at her phone during dinner, so you have to set the example. I have to say I would not appreciate my H looking at his phone while we were in bed. It could be seen a little offensive, and IMHO, it's a killer for potential intimacy.
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I have let some affectionate behavior reappear like touching her back or giving a hug. However, this was in response to her becoming more affectionate herself!
As long as she is treating you respectfully, then I see nothing wrong with this ^^^.
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The part I could use advice on is, if things turn positive again, what should I do differently? Not reciprocate when she gets closer/warmer?
IMHO, the biggest problem for you is the NGS. When you feel overwhelmed, discouraged, defeated, etc.........you default to what feels comfortable for you, which is your NGS. I hope you'll read that book on NGS again. I think you've come a good way, but you get tired easily, b/c you feel as though you can't relax and be yourself. Having that book (that I can't mention) as your manual, might help you from falling back into old behavior patterns.
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Last thought...I sort of feel as though I'm building a house of cards and any bump in the road might cause it all to come crashing down again. Is that normal? And if so, will it go away? My biggest fear is being stuck this way forever.
(((hugs))) That would make anyone a nervous wreck. You know what you want in a MR, and you told your W when you confronted her. As long as you feel respected and she's not playing her silly games or tests, then can't you relax a little and enjoy the moment? If she suddenly goes into her game playing........call her out and tell her you aren't playing her games. Detach and go about your business. When she straightens up, then resume to however things are now. You don't need to have a R discussion. In fact, I discourage it, b/c she is going to test you and she needs to see you calling her out and refusing to go along with it. Having a discussion just gives her fuel. BTW, I think you have done a fantastic job of not having those type of talks. I have the same nature, and want to fix things by talking, so I can appreciate how difficult it must be for you.
I think she likes what she is seeing in you. That's not to say she won't try her old stuff, but I really think she likes the new you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
