Thank you all for taking the time out and read my long ranting. And for the really good advice.
I obviously know what I need to not do to help me get what I truly desire. I have no shame in enjoying the sex or having it early on (we are talking like once a year this happens) if that's all I am really looking for. Nothing wrong with that. And there was a time that was all I wanted. That time is not now.
He should have to work. So I am going to let him. Any plans before our 8/9 plans need to be made by him. he's got it good right. Homemade meals, good sex, and an interesting woman. If he likes it, he can come get it.
Dawn, you bring up an excellent question. And you nailed it. I have only been validated on "performance" and looks, so to speak. I am not a looker, but I guess I appeal to a certain type. So since I have been validated on that, I am more comfortable and lead with it. While I really do think I have a lot to offer otherwise and I am confident, I have never really been validated on it. Guys may have said such things about me, but their follow-through has always showed otherwise. Lord, I am basing my worth on what guys think of me. Not good. I wasn't aware until now. So thank you for that. I can always admit to where I fall short. I fall short here and I am not proud of this.
Thank you for the hugs for my mom. It's tough because it's not as simple as my mom and I had this great relationship and I just miss her. There are so many unresolved issues with my mom, this day brings up sadness, and anger, and longing and a whole mess of emotions. Luckily, it only surfaces on this day. But it's never a good day for me.
So, I backslid (I haven't used that term in a long time, because I can control my actions pretty well these days, thanks, DB). I asked him if he wanted to grab a quick drink because I need to get out tonight. He actually responded a half hour later. He has plans with the school dads. he was nice about it. I wish I didn't do it, but I did act on emotion. I rarely ever do that anymore, so I am going to forgive myself. I am not reaching out anymore. his turn next.
I get to see some of my favorite DB people this weekend. I look forward to this every year. D10 is a part of the festivities too. Then I am going to my cousins beach house on Sunday and we are all going to enjoy a day at the beach. so far, I think the weather is cooperating.
tonight I am going to IC, the gym, then home to eat Chinese food in honor of my mom. Cry, then go to sleep. Maybe pray for some guidance and clarity too.
I am sorry neffer that you have suffered the premature loss of a parent also. It's really tough. memories are what we have and never, ever lose them!
