Hi BluWave, thanks for taking the time to post. I'm not totally sure how to respond. I feel like I took a somewhat radical approach by packing up my daughter and moving to a different part of the country without a job lined up to detach and start over. I found employment right away, re-connected with old friends, and now fill our weekends, afternoons, and evenings with fun and healthy activities. I stopped contacting my husband completely except for one time when my daughter was sick two months back. I can see how complete no contact is helpful because it helps someone to fully detach without continued setbacks. When you have kids that's not possible though. I guess I'm doing detachment in reverse where I've taken all the big steps and now I have to take little ones to resolve the final step which is the mental space my husband occupies just when he calls or when I see him. Thankfully the situation I described in my last post is an improvement from how I was reacting six or nine months ago. Back then I would cry uncontrollably and I would tell my husband what a bad father he was. Now I think externally I'm doing well but it's that last internal sense of injustice that I can't totally eliminate. To be honest I'm not sure if I can reach the point of totally not caring without lying to myself just yet, but one area where I've been trying to improve is trying to have a more positive attitude. The truth is no one knows what my husband is thinking just as he doesn't know what I'm thinking. He may be planning to spend more time with our daughter than what I expect. Feeling bitter and angry that he'll live like a 10 year old boy while his father and maid take care of him isn't a constructive mindset. It's more like a negative thought process derived from how my husband has been acting but there's always the potential for him to change. So I think I need to be more hopeful about his ability to change and be a better father even if he doesn't achieve it. And I know the proper response for a single person without kids would be to not care at all about what their spouse does, but my husband and I have 'co-parent' our daughter even if his part is 2% and mine is 98%. I'm still trying to figure this part out. I'll keep trying to channel my thoughts internally in a more positive direction. I'm about to start working full-time because my husband lost his job which means less time to see my daughter and more financial hardship, but again I'll try to be more positive and hopeful.
KitCat, thanks so much. My husband did apologize a week or two ago which I appreciated. It wasn't for cheating or leaving though, it was for losing his job and not being able to pay the bills. It was still better than nothing. My husband has no idea who he is right now or what he's doing. His life is out-of-control. I'll increase my work hours to full-time and manage with piecing together child care somehow to avoid letting his financial devastation bring us further down. I'm not so sure my husband thinks I'm waiting for him. He seemed quite concerned when he mistakenly thought I was dating someone and most of the time when he calls we're out and busy. I do, however, think he believes he could win me back because he did it once before very easily. That was a huge mistake on my part that I've written about here on this thread. There's nothing I can do about that now except not take him back easily if he ever tries to return. He won't realize until that point that he can't just come back. There's not really anything I can say to make him realize it because I failed the first time so my actions will have to show it next time (if ever). I do have new adventures planned - if I get divorced I'll take my daughter to a country in Europe next summer for a few months and possibly even stay there a bit longer so she can go to kindergarten there. Even if I don't get divorced I may do it anyway but it'll depend on finances. One ironic observation about your comment on families living in war zones being worse off - I've lived in the middle of active war zones and I found that war brings families together in a way that's unfathomable here in the West. Families are so strong and help each other so much during times of war that it creates a buffer against the hardships of war. They come home each day thankful to be alive and watch their favorite TV shows while they all eat together even knowing they could die that night in a bombing. Even when there's no electricity or food they laugh and make jokes together. If someone dies then 50 or 100 extended family members will risk their lives to come to the dead person's house to mourn together with the family for days. If one family has no money their relatives will lend them money. Because their governments can't protect them and they have no security they create it themselves among their families. Humans have an amazing way of adapting to all situations. You're a great role model by the way for raising your son alone. Hopefully your current husband tries to help so you gave your son a second chance at seeing how a mom and dad can live together and create a partnership while raising a family. Regarding the gratitude journal - I think I would if I had more time. For now I prefer to use any extra time to help others, to show gratitude towards others, and to write cards and messages of support to those in need including those here. For me this is more meaningful within my limits of time than keeping a journal for myself right now, but if I can get even more organized I'd love to create a joint gratitude journal for my daughter and I to record together. We do it verbally each day but I think the act of recording something on paper is more powerful so you're right about that being a good action to take.
PsySara, thanks for your support! It's amazing how you've had to let go and go through that process of starting over only to find your husband begging for forgiveness at the last minute. It's honestly shocking how a situation can be reversed like that but it's something we'd all love to have happen under the right circumstances. You created the right circumstances, knowingly or unknowingly, and I think your husband is also a better guy than mine. Even despite everything he's been living there at home and helping with the kids. Mine simply moved out and never could be bothered helping with our daughter. I think your husband is worth another chance even if he's at risk of backsliding because he's done everything you've asked to redeem himself. In my case all of that would have to happen before my husband would move back in, but I doubt he has any plan to do that. My husband is totally gone. I think for us it's either long-term separation or one of us will file for divorce in the next year. I doubt I'll file unless I need to do so for extreme financial reasons. But I'm trying to move on in every way possible, as written above it's just that internal head space that is the most challenging to overcome currently. I'd love to read your whole thread sometime and reflect on it to see what else I can learn from your situation and how you say you didn't listen to your DB coach for two years and then finally did. You know what I think would have 100% chance of bringing my husband back? If I got into a serious relationship with another man. I don't think my husband ever expects that to happen, and neither do I, but if some other man has 'his' wife and starts to raise 'his' daughter I know he wouldn't like that at all. I almost wish I could move on with someone else and just not care about my husband at that point but I'm just not into dating (partly an Islamic thing as you may understand) and there are no candidates. The lack of hope that I'll ever find another man that would fit all the criteria is one thing that holds me back but it sounds like you recognized there were other men you could envision being with who could be good fathers and that helped you to move forward. I'm curious as to how this works from a Muslim perspective - how do you do things the 'halal' way and take such a big risk at re-marrying without dating in the American sense? You didn't reach that point but it's something I wonder about. Every single Muslim I know is happily or at least securely married.
