Newbie In Need Of Guidance #3

[rminer]

Well, we had "The Talk" a week ago last Sunday and I am now confident that my W's A is indeed over.


My W and I went out with a few of her friends and one of their husbands last Sunday.  They got on a subject that hit a little too close to home that pertained directly to the A.  They dont know anything about the A, but the conversation involved events that were part of it as well as part of my sitch outside of the A.  At that point I got quite and stopped participating in the conversation, but my W didnt know why.

On the way home she asked if she had upset me and I told her she didn't.  She then said I seemed upset and asked why.   I told her I really didn't want to talk about it and tried to change the subject, but she persisted and threw out the 100% honesty card, so I told her.  Not about the A part, but the other things that applied to our sitch in the conversation.  She then became upset, not at me, but rather that I was still holding on to these feelings.  She stated that she had thought we had talked about everything and that it was all in the past. I replied that we had only talked about the events that caused our sitch,  not about the sitch itself and never once about how I felt about it all. I also added that there is a lot more to the story than we have addressed. 

She of course wanted to know what we hadn't talked about. I told her it was a conversation that I did not want to have right then, assuming she would stop because she wouldn't want to expose the A, but she asked again. I restated what I said and told her that it would be a long, difficult conversation and that I did not want to have it in the car, but she didn't give up. This continued for another ten minutes or so. 

A few minutes from home I finally blurted out "I know about you and OM."  I could see her face drop and she sat in stunned silence for what seemed like forever.  She finally said "I don't know what to say."  I asked what that meant and she repeated it. Several times.  The way she said it, it sounded like she was going to deny it.

I pulled in the driveway, shut the car down, turned towards her and said that I knew and all of the kids knew as well.  She again said "I don't know what to say." I asked if she was denying it and she said "No. I just really don't know what to say."

I remained calm but firm and started asking the typical questions. She was defensive at first, but once she realized I wasnt going off the deep end on her, she let her guard down and started talking. She answered all of my questions and didn't deny anything. She confirmed that it was both EA and PA, but that it "only" happened twice. She said I had some of the details wrong, but never once said it didn't happen. She also assured me that it is over.

Her story matched much of what I read here as to what lead up to it, but her answer as to why I don't quite understand. She said that she thought we were over and that she was "in a very dark place" and that she doesn't know why she made the decision that she made. My mind doesn't deal with ambiguity well, so this is a tough answer to accept.

As we kept talking we got to the subject of the kids and I told her that all of them knew. Her first response was that she had D21 convinced that it wasn't true and I assured her that D21 didn't believe her. She then asked "including s24." I said yes and she was very concerned about his response. I also told her S8 knew as well, but he didn't know it as an A, he just knew something was wrong with the relationship between her and OM. She questioned if he really knew, so I told her about some of the questions he had asked me regarding it. She was mortified.

This was about an hour in to the conversation. At this point Scouts came up and without asking, she said that we need to find a new pack. She also said that she would resign as Treasurer immediately. Just as she said this, OM text her "guess where I am?" (He had been at a week long camp). I asked if I could respond to him, so she gave me her phone. I responded "Who cares?" and handed the phone back. I then told her she could tell him who sent that and she did. She added that we were going to look for a new pack, she resigns and that he was to no longer contact her. A few minutes later he proceeded to tell her he was back from camp. She didn't respond, so he asks why we are leaving. A few minutes after that it dawns on him what is happening, so he wishes her good luck finding another pack. During this part of the conversation she said that she had been wanting to leave, but thought it would look fishy to me.

I told her that she needs to talk to the kids, especially D18, and reconcile this. She expressed reservations about doing so because it was too overwhelming to her right now. I told her that she needed to do it because all of the kids are upset with her, especially D18 and that she risks losing that relationship if she doesn't.

As the conversation went on, I asked more questions and told her how I felt about the whole thing. The hurt, the confusion, etc. I also told her that I had known for a while and asked when she suspected that I knew. She said that she had no clue that I knew.

She wasn't crying the entire time, tearing a little bit here and there, but really started when I told her what I had been going through. She apologized profusely, asked how I didn't hate her and begged me not to leave her, which I never even mentioned was a possibility. At this point she asked if she could have a hug, so i did.

During the entire conversation I did not attack and tried to remain compassionate because I knew it was hard for her too, but I was also very firm with what I was saying and that it could not happen again. She took full responsibility for everything, said she was completely wrong for making the decisions she made, acknowledged the hurt she had caused and assured me that it would never happen again. She also said that she was very embarrassed, it went against everything she has always preached to our kids, all of her beliefs and what she has always tried to stand for. She also made no excuses and said that she would do anything she had to do to earn my trust again. I told her that I wanted complete transparency about everything and she agreed, telling me on her own that anything I wanted to know she would tell me and that I could ask who she was talking to and she would show me her phone and the conversation. She went on to give me the passcode for her phone and told me I could look at it any time I wanted.

In the end we agreed that we were going to try to save our M.

Since then she has apologized more times than I can count and has been doing anything and everything to show me that she loves me. She has told me numerous times that she is a horrible person, doesn't deserve me and was a fool. She is also afraid that after I sort out all of my feelings I am going to decide to leave her and that she wouldn't blame me I'd I did, but begs me not to. I try to reassure her that I'm not planning on going anywhere, but will take time for me to get through this.

We went to the bank the Wednesday after the conversation to remove her from the Scout account. She notified OM that I was going to return all of the pack property we were storing as well as the financial items, so we needed to set up a time for him and I to meet. After four days and multiple messages, the OM failed to respond, so she text him that I was dropping it off with S8's den leader and he could pick it up there. She then deleted and blocked him from her phone, Facebook and email. About half an hour after I dropped it off, S8's den leader sent my W a message saying it was in OM's posession. Apparently OM didn't have the guts to face me. Shocking, right?

She has also blocked her old high school boyfriend who had been hitting on her.


So that's where we are. Starting to rebuild this M. I honestly thought it would get easier after it was out in the open, but it hasn't. I guess it's because I can't pretend it isn't true anymore and bury my feelings about it.

One day at a time...