Still Navigating

[Ginger1]

I am going to apologize in advance. This is going to be long, mostly journaling, but I could use some support.

I saw him last night. He didn't make it until later and didn't stay over because he was getting his daughter in the morning and bringing her to work. I said "I didn't think you would stay anyways, I know you got your morning routine." he did say he would have otherwise. I made him a nice 3 course, everything from scratch meal which he seemed to really enjoy. I kind of did everything I said I wouldn't. Um, we had dessert before dessert. I didn't bring anything up, because there wasn't a right time, and I got my answers without asking.

This is what I know without asking and doing something as a bit of a temp check. He absolutely wants nothing remotely that resembles feelings. I had said, maybe not at the best time... "I think I kind of missed you" He reacted to that very strangely, I can't even describe it. No words were used, but he wasn't using many words at that time. He does not kiss me hello or goodbye. On our first day, he did hold my hand as we were walking and stuff. But it's like he tries not to do those things. (he will make out with me, yes, it's not like a no kissing thing. And he is a good kisser)

He makes plans with me in the future. He works for the company that owns my hockey teams arena. he said he'll get tickets to a game against his hometown team and we will go. He wants to try one of the bars by my house with me. When he left, he said "until next time".

He likes doing things with me, he likes sexy time, but he can't touch a feeling with a 10 foot pole right now, it is obvious. I cannot figure out how I feel about it. One part of me hates it. The other part is trying to teach myself how to not get any feelings myself and enjoy the company and sex. I am trying to figure out if I can do that. I know it isn't about me. It's all about him. In the past I would think it must be me, that I am not good enough. But I know this isn't the case. I don't know how to handle this knowing it isn't going past where it is.

Another thing, and it sounds super weird, I don't mean it to be braggy, and sorry for the TMI. He told me how good I am in bed. Another double edged sword for me. This has been told to me before. I had a horrible sex life with my ex, who was my first. he was selfish and I was so insecure around him, it just wasn't good. When I branched out, well, it was the one place in my life I had reached security. In the bedroom. So, I have been told I am great in bed by a few men.

Really, I know that sounds awful. But it solidifies what everyone says. I need to not have sex so early. It's multi fold why I do it. 1) I am very secure in that area. And it feels good to not feel insecure. Because I do have real emotional securities. So, I lead with my strong suit. 2) well, usually by the time someone has come along, it's been a long time, lol.

But it is true, most can't see past the sex once it happens and they haven't had a true emotional connection yet. I need to really be smart about this if what I want is for someone to eventually have emotional feelings for me. I am a good woman. I have a career, I am raising my daughter, I cook, I pamper, I get stuff done. I am more than sex and I make a good partner. I need to project that more than the highly sexual woman part. I am leading with the wrong suit. I know it. I just have more confidence there than anywhere else.

Now. I have been crying all morning. 17 years since my mom passed today. I am emotional. I begin to reflect on how different it would have been if I had a mother who was alive and motherly. I get sad for her not being a part of my daughter's life. I miss a lot of the coulda shoulda beens in my life. I am partially crying for confusion in feelings, and partially for my mother. It is a lot of emotion.

My D10 is going with her dad tonight so I have an unexpected night alone. I don't want to be alone. I had considered asking HC out for a drink because I could use the distraction.

As you can see, I am all over the board and desperate for something to make me feel good today.

Thanks, if you hung around until the end