Still Navigating

[Zues126]

You're awesome. This guy is still dealing with a lot and I don't see him giving you what you need right now. You're looking for an R, he's spinning and medicating and lost. There is a reason most people wait for a while after a D and one of them is to not hurt or use other people. I wish he had followed this rule, but if he won't you should on his behalf. Stringing yourself along because the time you spend together biweekly feels good doesn't make sense when you have to go through mental gymnastics the rest of the time. Let him know you enjoy spending time with him but are looking for more, and he should keep your number and call you when that day comes and you'd be happy to see where you are both at in your life.

And yeah, teenagers are unbelievable. I am blow away with how my 14 year old son's brain works, I'll fill that in on my thread sometime. We could type the number 7 on a piece of paper and he can stare me dead in the eye and tell me it's a 3. Ug. But it does make me challenge myself and try to understand in what ways I am an ungrateful twit in my own life.

Finally, I'll share some thoughts on fear and anxiety. I've been talking about this with my best friend, how perfectionism and anxiety relate to competition. It's good to a point, then it's bad. It's like the movie Inside Out. Each emotion has something important to tell us, but it can't run the whole show. Where is that line? I think it has to do with what we can and can't control. For example, if I'm going to have a big match coming up fear might tell me to work really hard to prepare. This makes sense. I can control that, it is productive. Fear also might tell me to try really hard during the competition, and to value each opportunity. That makes sense too. I control that as well. But then fear might tell me not to trust my stroke or judgment and to force the ball into the pocket. That doesn't make any sense. I can't do better than my best, and I can't control the outcome, all I can do is sabotage it by gripping my cue too tightly and shifting my focus to what can go wrong instead of thinking about what I want to have happen. So at some point I have to tell fear "Hey, thanks for the concern, I did what I can thanks to your suggestion, but from here out I'm going to let go and trust it to work out, so you can sit back down now".

When it comes to housing and parenting and dating it's no different. Reflect. Think about what you can do that's productive and you can control. Take appropriate actions. But then, once you've done what you can, it's time to deliberately let go and put it away. Have faith that you can handle what comes. You'll be faced with situations and decisions, you'll use the same good judgement to handle those situations that has gotten you here, and all will be ok. I don't pretend that you can consciously decide not to be anxious and it just disappears entirely. But you can get better at managing it, not going spinning off the deep end.

Be well G.

[Ginger1]

Zues, great post. I am on the line of doing exactly what you said. Just letting him go and do what he has to do to heal. I don't the yucky feeling is worth the biweekly date. Mental gymnastics. That's exactly it.That is exactly my point and you clarified it. Time is great that one day a week when we are together. But it feels not good when that person (whether I slept with him or not, I am interested in him romantically) doesn't just say hi in the in between or even ask how your day was. He will when he finally responds days later, but this isn't what I want, and I don't think I am going to get anymore any time soon. It is no longer the anxiety of is he done or not interested. It's the sadness of am I even interested and am I getting what I need. And I don't think I am. I have been in this sitch before and it just didn't feel good.

I am having an awful hard time finding anyone who is compatible and interested in an R. I am certainly putting in my effort to date but every failed attempt makes me not want to do this anymore. Then I know people who go on a few online dates and they are in an R already. or find someone on their level. It's simply not happening for me. It's completely exhausting. If the universe is trying to tell me it actually isn't my time after 10 years, well, that's not right! I have put so much work into myself, am raising a child by myself, have built my career, furthered my education...... can't I get a little love?!

Anyways. My daughter. She was extremely remorseful. I mean extremely. She said she was very frustrated because she was hot, didn't want to be at camp and missed her dad. She hasn't seen him in a week and a half, and she is going there tonight, but he has chosen to work overtime. So she won't see him. She was in tears yesterday and I told her she could ask him if she could go there Thursday night too. Thankfully he agreed. She felt better. So, we practiced her staying home alone for a short time this week and she did fine and was comfortable with it. So now I can go to the gym (4 min away from my house) and I don't have to bring her. When I was gone yesterday, she decided to make me a little scavenger hunt with notes about what a great mom I am and she made an I movie with pictures of us. She also straightened up the living room. I do believe she is sorry. She was stressed and frustrated.

Well, work is scaring me because we have like no patients right now. It would be my luck to get laid off when I am trying to buy a house. They would relocate me in the system, I am sure, but I don't want to lose my job. Everyone is freaking out here. Plus side is it's pretty slow (which equals boring) but I am not going nuts. I can leave a little early because I bust my butt and stay late when we are busy.

Well, I am unsure of how tonight is going to go. I usually would be excited, but I am kind of meh. I made homemade hummus for the first time to serve tonight. I am making my special shrimp dish. And maybe some homemade mango sorbet. At least the food will be good.

[Coconut]

Ginger, what your D did is awesome!!! There was a lot of thought put into that and very special thing for a child to do.


As for HC, to be honest, I feel like you think he is going to offer you more if you tell him your ending it because your not getting more.. I am not still not sure why you think "breaking it off" would be better for you than just going with what there is. I feel like you two are dating, really enjoying each other but dating isn't good enough for you, you want a boyfriend and you want it now...

If he remains in your life, then you will have someone who you can "occasionally" go out with when you need a romantic night out on the town, someone who you can be intimate with when the urge is there. Having someone or people in your life like that will take away pressure from the next guy you are "dating" and keep you from needed so much so fast.

[Dawn70]

What a precious daughter you have! Kids can go from being such little toots to being so sweet in the blink of an eye, but she loves you so much and you are doing right by her for sure. Good on you!

I agree with Coconut. If you decide to end it with HC, are you hoping that he'll suddenly realize he's about to lose something awesome and change his tune? I totally understand that he's not communicating on a level that works for you. Believe me, I have so totally been in that situation, so I KNOW for a fact how it feels. Zeus talked about your dates being great but the in between times being a lot of "mental gymnastics" on your part and that was a GREAT analogy.

You are an amazing catch, G. If HC doesn't see it, it may not necessarily be that it means he doesn't want to "catch you", but it may just indicate that he's not ready to catch anyone at this particular time. Who knows? HC is really the only one who knows, but I suspect, since he's recently divorced that maybe even he doesn't REALLY know at this point.

I was just over on J9's thread where you were giving him some great advice about 3 dates does not a commitment make. I urge you to reread what you said to him and then try to apply it to yourself as well. You and HC are JUST dating, so relax and have fun. If you want more, TELL HIM, but be prepared for whatever answer he gives you. You got this! And by the way, dinner does, indeed, sound amazing.

[Georgiabelle]

G,

I am catching up and I have missed so much. You have had so much going on. Your D sounds like a great kid and I know switching jobs and looking for a home are stressors. Sometimes you just want to close your head in the refrigerator, right?

G, you remind me so much of a friend of mine. I read your posts and I think "Kate, is this you?" except she has never been married and has no kids.

You have received sage advice from everyone. There is nothing wrong with wanting a R. It's okay to admit it and when that's what you want, the half a&& or in this case 1/4th version doesn't hack it. You will always feel shortchanged/bad/less than if you seek Rs with people who either a} don't want one b} aren't ready for one or c} don't want one with us. Regardless, the ending is the same. You will always feel like your needs aren't getting met, because they aren't. The end.


I'm with the guys. Don't pursue. I also think when you slept with this guy is completely irrelevant. You could have waiting 1 date or 6 and I think this would be the exact same situation. But that is just me. I know you have tickets to some upcoming event and I feel like when men mention something in the future, women have a tendency to glom on to that. Like it mean "he want what I want" when in reality it means "sure we can go to the game together."

I'm positive HC thinks you are beautiful, fun and that he enjoys spending time with you. I don't understand what big proclamation needs to occur. If you like hanging out with him, hang out with him. Keep looking and dating. That way you don't obsess about this guy. Yes, I know there are lots of men who don't want relationships and I know it's difficult-I do. And I know you are wondering when it will be your time. However, I have a strong feeling this guy isn't your guy and or it's not your time with him. He sounds like a good guy but either take it for what it is or don't hang out with him. I know you are awesome, beautiful and fun.

[Ginger1]

I do want to clarify again that I do not want an IMMEDIATE boyfriend and commitment. It does not work that way. I just want to do date someone with POTENTIAL to be a boyfriend and a partner.

It's in my head that he already said he is no where near having a relationship. Which makes me feel like a very long time. And usually, it never happens with the rebound.

I had mentioned the first guy I had feelings for after my D. He wasn't ready, but we continued on in sort of the same sitch. On and off for years. And it just hurt. I wasn't the one even when he was ready, but I was just good enough for FWB. I DO NOT want to be in that place again. I don't want to get feelings for somewhere knowing it isn't going to go anywhere.

I don't want to break things off hoping he would come back. I tried it once and it didn't work (with someone else). When I break things off, I know the risk is ending things completely, so I only do it if I am ready for that. But I don't know I want to do that yet here.

I am still in a self-inflicted personal limbo. But I would still accept a date from someone else if I was asked. I am not committed. No one is asking, hahaha. I haven't gotten the mental energy yet to go back online since hatchet man.

I am going to relax and have fun tonight. I think we will enjoy dinner, a little wine, and some conversation I wouldn't otherwise have on a Wednesday night.

Still in Limbo on the house. The sellers haven't decided. They don't want to drop because they will lose money. However, they split a year after buying the house and not losing money is unrealistic as their agent realizes, so their agent is trying to convince them to take the offer because the longer they wait, more expense incurred. Nothing new or not in flood zone on the market.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi G,

Don't date on potential. Why? The potential to be a partner could be 4 years down the road. That's not what you want nor should you. I'm not sure what an immediate boyfriend is. It's okay to admit you want someone you are into and it is reciprocated. I feel like you think you need to justify your feelings. Hails to the no! You are a grown up and you want a grown up relationship Nothing wrong with that. I don't think anyone is indicating that you are trying to set up a bridal registry. Not in the least. You just want someone who wants what you want.

Ugh, the house. Yes, that's tough but have faith that what transpires is what is meant to be.

[kml]

Relax, have fun tonight, and if you feel the time is right, just go ahead and tell him you wish he was a better communicator. Then if he doesn't at least attempt to text more you'll have your answer and can decide if you want to keep him as an occasional fwb or not.

[Ginger1]

I am going to apologize in advance. This is going to be long, mostly journaling, but I could use some support.

I saw him last night. He didn't make it until later and didn't stay over because he was getting his daughter in the morning and bringing her to work. I said "I didn't think you would stay anyways, I know you got your morning routine." he did say he would have otherwise. I made him a nice 3 course, everything from scratch meal which he seemed to really enjoy. I kind of did everything I said I wouldn't. Um, we had dessert before dessert. I didn't bring anything up, because there wasn't a right time, and I got my answers without asking.

This is what I know without asking and doing something as a bit of a temp check. He absolutely wants nothing remotely that resembles feelings. I had said, maybe not at the best time... "I think I kind of missed you" He reacted to that very strangely, I can't even describe it. No words were used, but he wasn't using many words at that time. He does not kiss me hello or goodbye. On our first day, he did hold my hand as we were walking and stuff. But it's like he tries not to do those things. (he will make out with me, yes, it's not like a no kissing thing. And he is a good kisser)

He makes plans with me in the future. He works for the company that owns my hockey teams arena. he said he'll get tickets to a game against his hometown team and we will go. He wants to try one of the bars by my house with me. When he left, he said "until next time".

He likes doing things with me, he likes sexy time, but he can't touch a feeling with a 10 foot pole right now, it is obvious. I cannot figure out how I feel about it. One part of me hates it. The other part is trying to teach myself how to not get any feelings myself and enjoy the company and sex. I am trying to figure out if I can do that. I know it isn't about me. It's all about him. In the past I would think it must be me, that I am not good enough. But I know this isn't the case. I don't know how to handle this knowing it isn't going past where it is.

Another thing, and it sounds super weird, I don't mean it to be braggy, and sorry for the TMI. He told me how good I am in bed. Another double edged sword for me. This has been told to me before. I had a horrible sex life with my ex, who was my first. he was selfish and I was so insecure around him, it just wasn't good. When I branched out, well, it was the one place in my life I had reached security. In the bedroom. So, I have been told I am great in bed by a few men.

Really, I know that sounds awful. But it solidifies what everyone says. I need to not have sex so early. It's multi fold why I do it. 1) I am very secure in that area. And it feels good to not feel insecure. Because I do have real emotional securities. So, I lead with my strong suit. 2) well, usually by the time someone has come along, it's been a long time, lol.

But it is true, most can't see past the sex once it happens and they haven't had a true emotional connection yet. I need to really be smart about this if what I want is for someone to eventually have emotional feelings for me. I am a good woman. I have a career, I am raising my daughter, I cook, I pamper, I get stuff done. I am more than sex and I make a good partner. I need to project that more than the highly sexual woman part. I am leading with the wrong suit. I know it. I just have more confidence there than anywhere else.

Now. I have been crying all morning. 17 years since my mom passed today. I am emotional. I begin to reflect on how different it would have been if I had a mother who was alive and motherly. I get sad for her not being a part of my daughter's life. I miss a lot of the coulda shoulda beens in my life. I am partially crying for confusion in feelings, and partially for my mother. It is a lot of emotion.

My D10 is going with her dad tonight so I have an unexpected night alone. I don't want to be alone. I had considered asking HC out for a drink because I could use the distraction.

As you can see, I am all over the board and desperate for something to make me feel good today.

Thanks, if you hung around until the end

[Zues126]

Sorry to hear it's one of those days.

My thoughts about this guy haven't changed. It sounds like he's still in a weird recovery and his relationship with you is dreamlike and surreal. I can't tell you what you should do or look for, but this wouldn't be it for me. And I find it really odd that the general consensus seems to be to go with the flow, live for the moment, have a few beers and roll around with him a few times and enjoy the short term pleasure of companionship without being hung up looking for something more. You know, I shouldn't have to bother writing my thoughts anymore, just take what everyone else says and know that I say the opposite

Cheers to your mom. It's really sad that your daughter doesn't get to know her, and that you don't get to see her today to at least tell her a few stories. We're all here with you.