Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in a while but have been bogged down at work so I'm taking a break to catch up here. Whew! Just a few notes to add....
Meredith - good for you! As Betsey said, it seems like a bunch of us have hit that point where we are "moving forward" and each of us has our own decisions to make. I too have made that decision recently and in some ways it is rejuvenating. Your desire/action to talk R w/H was based on timing. They say that "timing is everything" so it was "TIME". Just like Bets realized it wasn't the right time to pass her H the letter, whether it was the rainbow or something else, timing does count. So, go live more for yourself and try to think less of H.
Betsey - (could ya stop w/the weight loss? LOL just kidding) Hooray for you! Keep it up. I hope that your life is moving in a better direction even though you are still waiting for the answers you need. I know that waiting is hard and you are moving forward for yourself and girls. I hope things start to move a little faster for you. I think of you often.
Myrhh - (((())))) So sorry you are in turmoil again. But from what I can tell, you have gotten some great input here. So, where do you go now? H was doing a lot of crawling today. Can you make some requests from him at this point, such as MC or one-on-one timed discussions w/him? Something to get him to think more about his actions towards the M and how YOU are feeling? It is probably a knee-jerk reaction for him to act this way today but you do need more than that. Maybe the time away from him will give you both time to clear your heads a bit more and recover to deal w/what lies ahead. Just thoughts.
Take care all and I'll be swinging by again soon. Tootles......
There is no law out there that says you CAN’T put a lot of time and distance between yourself and your H! You do not have to make the decision on whether or not this marriage is something that you want right now. After all, he took his time in making that decision when it fell onto his shoulders, did he not?
Until you feel comfortable in the decision making process, I think no decision is a better route to go.
What happened to the exchanging Rhane and daycare plan? That might be better off right now, so that you both have time to sit down and think hard on what you are and are not willing to work with in this marriage without getting keyed up about seeing the other one. Trust me, if my daycare situation allowed for it, I’d be all over that plan – if for no other reason that I didn’t have to have the gut wrenching tearful goodbye from the children!
Let’s move back to basics for a little bit. What can YOU do to work on YOU? What type of things put you in a clearer mindset to make a decision when one is at hand, and what types of activities can you do when you need a break from the thinking and decision-making? I think that those goals will give you a sense of relief in the midst of this crazy turmoil.
If you are feeling guilty about your H's current state of mind, my suggestion would be to inform him that step #1 is to get his rear-end in counseling. Regardless of whether this marriage is going to work, he needs it.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Myrrh - here's my take - there are two kinds of WASs on the boards. The vast majority simply get depressed or have midlife crises and succumb to the "myth" of "falling in love". Usually they will feel some guilt or regret at some point, and they definitely can come around - my H is proof.
But there's another type of WAS - the serial adulterer - who just plain has issues with fidelity. This is a surprising minority of the spouses on the board, and I think their problems run much deeper. Maybe it's a character disorder, or a personality disorder, or a sex addiction, or whatever - but it runs deep and isn't going to be fixed without a LOT of therapy and hard work.
Now I'm just guessing about your H, but I'd say he falls into the second category. I mean, the "Type I" WAS, when faced with a pregnant OW, would generally either come running back to his W, horrified at what he'd done, or convince himself that it was "true love" and he had to leave his W (if only to justify his actions). Taking up with ANOTHER OW and letting yourself get caught by the pregnant OW - those are the actions of the "Type II" WAS - the disturbed serial adulterer.
Given that, you have to ask yourself what it would REALLY take for your H to convince you it was safe to risk your future (and maybe more children?) on him. I'd say, nothing less than a year of intensive therapy and perfect behavior on his part (including a complete "open book" policy so that you could be sure he wasn't hiding anything from you) before you'd even consider having him back would be wise. I know it is really a drag since you have a child - but your child is young enough to still have a chance to grow up bonded with a really great stepfather if you can find one.
On a lighter note - check out this link Bluekeys posted to another site - a thread on stupid things WASs have said and done - sad and hilarious at the same time.
Quote: True detachment is hard because you are not keeping one eye open, looking for some sign that it is "working." There is no real incentive to keep you moving along. That is a departure from the days of looking for "baby steps," isn't it?
Very, very hard.
Are we ABSOLUTELY sure this boat isn't sinking? Do we have enought life preservers just in CASE?? With all of us in the boat, WHY is it not moving FASTER.... arghhhh...oops, that's NOT detachment is it?!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ellie- Yep, guess you're right. I have managed to be one of the lucky 2% on the board whose spouses are complete jerks and unreformable. I give up. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: I have managed to be one of the lucky 2% on the board whose spouses are complete jerks and unreformable.
Well, I didn't say unreformable - but definitely they have to do a lot more work on themselves than the basically decent guy who just "slips". I guess what I'm trying to say is just, don't settle for less than what it would REALLY take for him to get well.
Oh my god - as I was typing this, my D started writing a new song in the next room -
"What happens when Sleeping Beauty starts to wake up? What happens when Prince Charming is all screwed up?"
I'm glad you posted your reply. Myrrh and I have been chatting, and I was pretty much saying the same thing. In particular, something resonated with me....
How often have we heard from our WASs that they needed to see that our changes were permanent? Well, in this case, Myrrh is in the fortunate seat to see how committed he is to this process.
AND we both found your daughter's lyrics eerie and oddly poignant. Sounds like she found a great career opportunity... hope she uses her gift!
A big hug and a happy birthday to you too!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, i wanted to ask you about your sitch. You are so wise and i wonder if there is something you would have done different now that you look back. Do you know where you went wrong? What did you do right? Im afraid my sitch is heading in the same direction as yours no matter what i do. Are you still friends with X? im not sure if i can be long time friends with my W because i have such strong feelings for her.
