I told him about my wants in a relationship...I never told him my wants before. I was afraid to.
This is totally brilliant.
Originally Posted by JujuB
I I think my big fear is being powerless and not validated and entering into a relationship with someone that does not want to meet my needs. I was scared that the way he argued with me, meant that he was not going to meet my needs.
I very much have this fear too, from my dad mainly but also from XH.
I think for years I asked XH for quite specific things, and he just carried on as before. They were small things to start with, mainly to do with helping me with the everyday humdrum mechanics of life. And then there were things to do with how he treated me. One recurring one was asking him to text me and let me know if he was going somewhere else after the pubs had shut. It was never a very nice feeling waking up at 3.00am and not knowing where your partner was and how long they would be out for. Maybe about a third of the time he might text me and let me know, but a lot of the time he wouldn't. I would ask him to, explain why and explain how it made me feel if he didn't. I thought that by just saying those things, he would do them.
Well, I learnt that me saying things was half of the equation. The other half of the equation is how the other person deals with it.
This whole scenario went on for *years*. I slowly got more and more upset as XH carried on seemingly only occasionally (and never consistently) doing what I asked him, and most of the time not. Now I realise that he was behaving exactly like his father behaves.
It got to the stage where he was EA with if think a number of women. With the ones I found out about I always explained how it made me feel and asked him not to. Just from that point on, he completely ignored me. When I explained to him how it made me feel, it was like a total stone wall. Nothing at all came back to me in acknowledgement, let alone interaction. And over time the stakes got higher, he became more involved with the next woman, and then the next. And I just assumed that because I said how I felt, he would listen, acknowledge and take it on board. But he never did, and he never changed his behaviour.
This also went on for a number of years. It got to the point where it was majorly impact on my health, psychologically first and then pretty severely physically.
Add that on top of my dad, who was an inveterate and super skilled gaslighter.
I know that in the past I've been attracted to men (people) with big personalities. And I know that it's because it's easier for me just to mould myself around them than have to work on my own sense of self.
The first 'R' if you like after XH left was with someone who was very much in that mould. He was even a heavy drinker too. But I'd already started growing beyond that kind of person...and this was only three months after XH had left the house. This man just got frustrated and angry with me, pretty much all the time. And it was all fault according to him, for not being compliant and giving him what he wanted, straight away. I was much more for taking things very slowly and taking the time to work out how I was feeling and if I was enjoying things. Whenever I brought anything up that was to do with what I needed, he would become really aggressive and literally shout me down, until I was on the floor, in tears, or having a panic attack. It took me a good few months to break it off with him. Too long really, as it did hold me back a bit.
So now I'm at the point where I'm so scared to say what I need and want. I'd rather just retreat into myself and run away. And if I'm in a situation where I can't do that, I get super stressed out and totally over react (to the point where I'm having a panic attack. Fight or flight I guess).
But that's not going to help me in any way. It's not going to help me be an adult. And it's not going to help me in any sort of R (one that goes beyond a few dates). So I'm trying to learn that it's safe for me to say what I want and need, and that I should say those things, and I need to learn how to say them calmly. And that then I watch how the other person reacts and deals with it. Both those things are equally important.
They're both difficult for me, but the price of not doing either of those things is very, very high indeed. And not doing either of them, or doing one without the other, isn't going to help me inhabit my own space in any way.
