WHAT sucks? What is it really? What if... you accept what is as it is... Ah, such a simple answer...
I have spent well over a year fighting this whole thing. Lots and lots of energy have gone into worrying, thinking, worrying... then, of course, the answer quests, which in one way or another usually end up with the "I'm happy" crap, followed by the, you guessed it, feeling crappy crap.
SO... I have decided to get a life. Now, I have been saying this all along, over a year publicly here on the board. But now I mean it... doing what I want to do, going where I want to go, without thinking about Hs plans. Trying very hard not to think about H at all... As you so eloquently put it:
Quote: And I am working very hard at obtaining a new life for myself. I'm going back to school in the fall, for a career change. I am working on doing something garden-ish with the back yard this year (my old method was a border of begonias and calling it quits). I am walking a lot more than I ever have (there is something to be said for an activity that allows you to confine both children, keep them completely in your site and get exercise at the same time. God bless the double jogging stroller). And soon I am going out for drinks and shopping with my DB buddy, Pam! Yeah, she doesn't know it yet;
So, do more and more of this, or more and more of anything that YOU want to do and are comfortable (i.e. NOT thinking about H or sitch... or thinking about them less and less).
Your illustration of the exercise bike was right on. And we can be frustrated at the bike that it never seems to get anywhere, or we can accept it for doing what it was designed to be. Our Hs just CAN NOT act like Hs right now. Fair? No. Fun? No. But it is as it is.
Until we are SURE that it is over, let's try VERY hard to find JOY in our lives. For me it has been a renewed relationship with God, and finding myself... You will find it too.
While WE tend to think in concrete terms like a year, etc., I'm not sure they think in these terms at all.
If this limbo does nothing but strengthen us for an eventual D, well even that would make it time well spent. But what if we came out stronger, more self assured, more confident? Better moms, better friends, better confidants? Less angry, less anxious, less concerned about those little things that just don't matter? Comfortable with ourselved, by ourselves, knowing that there is just not too much we can't do or endure. Well, that would be a pretty awesome thing, no matter how much time it takes.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Unfortunately, I can only accept ‘what is as it is’ to a point, because ‘what is’ is negatively affecting my children as well as myself. Since the beginning of this process, I have learned to accept many of my H’s flaws for what they were…but there are some that remain as deal breakers for me.
At the beginning of our joint thread venture, I posted some things that I would consider. I mentioned that they weren’t necessarily things that I liked or agreed with, but that I would consider. I have. There are some behaviors that I simply won’t accept. And if it means that I will have to get down from the exercise bike and try running…then that is what I fully intend to do.
Nonetheless, I have committed to complete detachment by going dark and being upbeat and happy when I do speak or interact with my H. However, I am not initiating that interaction. So far, I think I have good progress to report. Yesterday we didn’t hear from him all day, and I didn’t mind one bit. Today when he picked up the children he was late, but I was still upbeat and happy about it. Since this is truly my last ditch effort, it is a lot easier to not pay specific attention to detail. I suppose they call that, detachment!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Meredith, Just wanted to say out here that I appreciate your honesty. I know how hard this is. And yes, it does suck. That, my friend, is "what it is." A very sucky situation! I know how hard you have worked on yourself. What a far way you have come! And a lot earlier in age than I was able to do it. Yeah, this is detachment. I have always thought that there is a huge difference between true detachment and what others think detachment is. That is to say, detachment is totally removing yourself from the drama and emotions. It is not ignoring your spouse as an attention getting tactic. You know...look at me! I'm detached from you! True detachment is hard because you are not keeping one eye open, looking for some sign that it is "working." There is no real incentive to keep you moving along. That is a departure from the days of looking for "baby steps," isn't it? I think you will be able to understand this muddled post.
What I am trying to say is, I'm here for you. Oh, and I noticed that I have a shopping trip planned for me! O.K!!! I need more Yankee candles. More than that though, I need your wonderful company!
First, did I hear you say that you needed my company MORE than Yankee candles? Even more than sage and citrus ones? Wow! But, yes, you did read correctly. We are going shopping and then we're going for drinks. You provide the when. Both D4 and S1 will be chilling out with a baby-sitter, too - for which George and Harry’s will be extremely grateful, I’m sure!
I agree completely with you on detachment. I’ve done the ‘look at me NOT answering the phone’ thing; the ‘look at me I did NOT ask why there are seventy of your outfits strewn throughout your vehicle’ thing; and even the ‘look at me NOT accepting your offer to get together’ thing. The only problem was that I didn’t do those things because I truly didn’t WANT to or because I truly didn’t CARE…I did them to try and make it seem as such. Now? I just don’t care!
Okay, I have to admit, I am a slow learner when it comes to a lot of these concepts. The one about darkness being a positive thing was a biggie for me. I couldn’t see how vanishing from the planet would make him anything more than free to do more of what he shouldn’t be doing. I realize now, in this more detached frame of mind, that he will notice…because he has. And if MY husband would notice it and at least think about it…trust me, they all will!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Oh, darlin', you've got this concept down so well! This is what's good for you, and I'm beyond pleased that you're finding this not as difficult as you imagined.
Now you two just need to head out and enjoy the shopping and beverages.
Pam, I had a really hilarious visual of putting sugar in your gas tank. Well, that might have been something I considered in my youth, but I think you guys actually WANT me to keep your cars from taking off for nowhere in particular. Hey, I'm happy to oblige and you can count on me.
Well, count me in with you guys on the hockey blahs. This sucks. But after my initial bout of depression, I convinced myself to be happy... because I'm now free to have a life every other evening that doesn't revolve around the TV. The weather here has been nothing short of spectacular, and I'm looking forward to spending some of it outside with my girls. Note: This doesn't mean that I won't be watching hockey... just not rearranging my life around it.
I'll say this to both of you, but Meredith in particular. I think you are no more a slow learner than anyone else. I see us all more in the phase of accepting ideas for longer. Change is really difficult, and we often reject ideas because they are so completely foreign.
Slow to accept the path rather than slow to learn. Fortunately, that boat is filled with folks--including me. So take heart--it's just another feather under your cap when you get to your destination on this bike ride. And you'll feel like you've really accomplished something.
Time to check in with a couple other folks and then head to my meeting.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think my H has serious issues. He was over last night, and he must have said "I love you" about a thousand times (I think I responded to the last two). He keeps saying stuff like "you should throw me out" and "I don't deserve to be here." You know what vibe I keep getting out of all this? WEIRD!!! He just seems weird and kindof crazy to me right now, and part of me just wants to put a WHOLE lot of time and distance between us.
I feel like he is being melodramatic rather than sincere, and I am not impressed! Baby steps, yeah, whatever, but there is such a thing as a guy who just wants one thing - I only think he's around because his new girl told him to piss off.
AUGH. My husband is acting like a complete freak, and honestly I kind of wish he would go away. I have to see him one more time tonight, and then not again until next Tuesday when we exchange Rhane.
Ick, ick, ick. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Bets