I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Hi bhappy, thanks for checking in on me. I'm doing ok, some days are good but most are just ok and then of course some also suck. I'm also not 100% certain that my H doesn't know about this site and it makes me hesitant to post too much. Maybe it doesn't even matter.

We're still in limbo, and do not interact but the other night I got a really weird text out of the blue. He said:
"You have been tracking my phone. You are sick. You are the one with a suspect history. I have done nothing to warrant this. I researched why my battery was dying so fast. Guess why? It's constantly sending out a signal. I should be tracking your phone, but I respect your privacy even though I shouldn't. I am so pissed. You have ruined our marriage and continue to play the victim. What have I done to you other than try to make it work time after tie that you disrespected our marriage and crushed me. My blood is boiling. Just yesterday you said I should get my battery checked. What right do you have with your history? You need to do some internal reflection. I guess you need to find something on me to justify your destruction of your marriage. But guess what, it is not happening. I have done NOTHING. Nor will I. I have desire to. I am not like you."

You guys, I am not tracking his phone. At first I didn't even know what he meant, still not sure I do. The text came in at like 4am, he was still up drinking and I happened to be awake enough to feel the text come through on my watch and so I read it. I immediately got up because I was like WTH? He was outside and I told him I am not tracking his phone and I don't even know what he means by that. He said "Oh you don't track the kids phones?" So maybe he's talking about location? I thought maybe he was talking about tracking what he does ON his phone. Anyway, I said yes I track their phones but they have to voluntarily share their location with me?! I said "I don't even know what to say except that I am not tracking your phone and I don't care what you do. We are not a couple anymore."

Anyways, our R is very, very sick. When I read back through my old threads, I could see it much more clearly. I feel really guilty for my part in the downfall and that guilt and shame has kept me in a position where I take more responsibility than belongs to me. I can see that now. I don't know that H ever will as he consistently maintains that everything is my fault, I am sick, he's done nothing, etc. It's like a broken record at this point.

I went to my handgun class last Saturday and it was really good for me, I learned a lot and am now comfortable taking my gun out of the safe and unloading/reloading it. I will be going back to the range for a few practice sessions before I take the next class because I am still not entirely comfortable with the grip and it takes me too long to get it right. I'm terrified of slide bite bc I'm a big baby so I take a long time making sure my grip is right lol.

We are headed to our hometown for a family vacation toward the end of next week. I have a lot of anxiety about it but until I am ready to tell the kids about this mess, they don't understand why we wouldn't do what we always do, which is go on our usual vacation. Plus my Mom still lives there and she is getting so unhealthy, I just don't know how many more summers she will be around so it's very important for them to see her. I have adapted to our "situation" in our surroundings and in our usual routine. When we go outside of that, it is typically very very hard for me to cope with. So, I am expecting to have to repress and hide a lot of emotions until we can get back home. Ugh.