Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

Hey folks.

I am finally back at my parents' place which means a break from the road for a little bit before I return back home in 10 days.

Unfortunately I haven't been able to shake the depression that has been dogging me since early last week. It's like a dark fog that doesn't let in any sunshine or positive thoughts about the future and strips me of my desire to do anything. I have been pushing through as much as I can, but it has been a struggle. My motivation and confidence in myself to effect any lasting shifts are at a low. I think the reality of my situation is finally fully hitting me. The 9 thousand miles I have driven over the past 6.5 weeks is surely also weighing on me physically. I am starting to worry obsessively about what it is going to be like to return to my home without my wife. I think my deepest fear is that I simply won't be able to handle living in the space, that I will have some sort of emotional meltdown. Of course worrying about it obsessively isn't helping my mental state right now. Driving the past few days I needed podcasts to distract me as it was the only way I could make it through 6-7 hours a day in the car.

Is it a good thing that I am experiencing this sadness? That I am letting reality in? The negative part is that it seems to spiral into depression and almost self-loathing. I think I am missing the balance necessary to experience the pain and dealing with reality without falling into this trap.

Now that I am traveling less for a bit I would like to try to get into more of a routine with yoga and meditation, as well as exercise. I think those things sustained me in the months directly post-BD. Of course, blind hope and an inability to grasp the reality of my situation probably also helped.

Interestingly, now that I am facing the reality of my situation more head-on, the less desire I have to see or even hear from W. It seems like that is just going to set me back and put me in a bad place. Is that normal? Before, I would have taken any opportunity to see her to show her my progress, but now I just don't want to deal with her. It's definitely not detachment because I don't want to deal with the emotional repercussions of seeing her. If I were nicely detached then there wouldn't be any emotional repercussions.