W texted me yesterday telling me that both of the kids wanted to come over and stay the night. They were supposed to come over tonight to break up the Ws week and a half with them, so this would be 2 days instead. I of course said that was fine. As you can guess, I was very happy to have them come over a night early. They came home and we watched shows and laughed together. Got a pizza and just chilled out together. Both were excited that I had cleaned their rooms while they were gone. And now we have tonight too.
I can't help think about the fact that although I've had them most of the time the last 6 weeks, they have never asked to go to Ws house. Not once. They seem fine being there as in they have most of the comforts there that they have at my house (home), but they have never ASKED to go there. I also wonder about W. I of course can not mind read (nor do I want to see whats really going on up there), but she did not seem bothered at all about them wanting to come home a day early. I keep thinking that although she is a little laxed in her responsibilities as a mom, that she is still more or less keeping up mostly. Not super mom like she was, but still a good mom. The fact that the kids ask to come home and she seems fine with it seems to illustrate otherwise to me...even if at surface it all looks kind of normal. Well, as normal as you can get in this kind of situation anyways.
W looked tired when she came over. So, advice time if you don't mind. I do not initiate communication with her. Do not pursue at all. I have not initiated any R talks in months. I do, however, act nice when I see her. When she was over dropping off the kids I asked her if she wanted any pizza or a drink and was upbeat. Not overly, just in a normal way. She of course declined saying she wanted to get back and rest, but should I be doing that? I feel like I am making an offer that I would to anyone, but I would hate to think that my offer for a drink or pizza might be considered as pursuing. I am not sure it matters as I think I just want to be myself as that is what I feel comfortable with, but I also realize that I am still healing and I don't want to inadvertently get caught up in pursuit mode without realizing that's what I'm doing. Even though it is hard for me to imagine a path to reconciliation, I'd be lying to myself if I said that somewhere within me I didn't still want that. It seems like a deeply buried desire, but I know its in there. I also know I can't do anything to make it go faster, but I want to make sure I'm not prolonging it either. Mostly I am doing fine, but I still try to make sure that I handle my interactions with her the best way possible. I realize that being around her is a trigger for me so I do analyze my behavior around her.
Thank you for any thoughts you might have. I realize this is probably trivial, but still something I'm thinking about.
