You know you don’t need “permission” to come hang out with us any time you want!
The question of dating is one that the answer will vary from person to person on. It is so very complicated, because its success depends on your own emotions and experiences.
One of the reasons I’m hesitant to support the idea is the letter you referenced from your H. It clearly has had at least some impact on you if you felt the need to address it. Add that to the fact that it has been a very short period of time since you found out about the OWs, and those emotions take some time to run their course. It has only been a week, sweetie…
Myrrh, in all honesty, I would like much more for you to take this time, grieve for your marriage and your husband, strengthen yourself and then move forward. If you can do that, the first relationship you’ll have will be much stronger, and so will you if it doesn’t last. This is also a confusing time for your son…and the less confusion, the better.
Yet, this decision is yours and yours alone. You know better than to leap before you look and I trust you to make the choice that best fits you.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
hmmmm...with kids involved i say get yourself together first before bringing in another relationship and all it's baggage - it's hard enough as you well know to make a relationship work without all the extra baggage you have with what you have just been thru
it doesn't mean you can't be friends with this person, but really - take time to get over the first one. too many 'rebound' relationships are just that...no use hurting yourself and your son
i used to be an avid dr laura listener...yeah she has her quirks, but the one thing i agreed on totally was to not 'date' with kids - but of course that is her opinion, as well as mine
Okay, let me just ask this other question clearly...everyone votes that this marriage is over, right? I would be stupid to give him any more chances, stupid to still want him as a husband, and stupid not to file for divorce. Right?
It is time to stop fighting, isn't it? Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Let me tell you something. There is hope so long as the one fighting still has it. Plain and simple. On the flip side, there is a point we all come to where enough is enough. Only we know when we simply cannot take another step forward with the marriage, with our spouse and more specifically, with the behavior of that spouse. If you feel in your heart of hearts that you have reached the end of the road with this marriage, no one here will blame you for that. Just as if you feel that there is more to this story and you aren’t willing to write the ending yet, no one here will blame you for it.
There are some definite problems with the marriage if your H is chronically playing with infidelity. However, none of us are able to tell you whether those problems are solvable. If your H is ready and willing to stand up to the mistakes he’s made and get help in fixing them it is up to you to decide if you are willing to wait and see. If he’s not, then you need to do some soul searching and examine whether you’re able to accept that.
What we’re here to do is offer you some suggestions to help move you along on the path that YOU decide to take. If you say to us that you want this marriage, we’re right behind you with as much support, advice and experience as we can give. The same goes for ending the marriage.
We’re here to edit, Myrrh…but you’re writing this story.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Myrrh, Honey does it matter what others think? Do you want him back.
Do you love him? Can you forgive him? Can he ever enhance your happiness? Or will he always be a hindrance to your happieness. Does he meet your needs or will he or has he ever. Is he good to your children? Can you afford to be on your own.(Money is a real reason to stay when you have children) What are your beliefs about divorce? Do you want to try? Can you go just one more day? How about the next day?
In your heart of hearts you know what you want. Sometimes we can't have what we want but just how close can we get if we don't go for it.If and when you end your marriage is your choice.
We can't tell you what to do.I wish it could be that easy.I could log on here and get someone to tell me what is right for my sitch.Then go for it and live happily ever after.her is the kicker no matter which you choose stay or go neither one will be perfect or easy. If you choose to keep at it and work on your marriage you will be in for one #ell of a ride.And if you decide to let go you will be on a different ride but just as bumpy.Just different bumps.
I to want answers and can't get them. They are in me and I just don't have the strength to pull them to the surface yet.
On any given day I will give up and get back on the horse.
I found a quote the other day that has been running through my head. I finally remembered it was in a Ophra magazine and artical about divorce.
"Quit trying to ride a dead horse." Only you know if your horse is dead.
I'm still trying to breathe life back into mine.But a few minutes ago I was kicking it.
I'm sorry your having a hard time with this.
Later Friends. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Quote: Okay, I am jumping in the pool here at the collective thread. My individual story is pretty much ended, I think. As soon as finances permit, I will be filing for a divorce. I found out about an additional past OW (17) who got pregnant, and lost the baby at 6 and a half months, then walked in on my H with yet another OW. So I am done with my M and my H.
Hey Myrrh, Sigh. Hugs to you. I'm sure that this revelation was quite painful.
Let me ask you this...is the decision to D and move on post-this-disclosure in some way penalizing h for (ultimate, late-to-the-game but valid nonetheless) honesty?
IOW, did your discovery of this come from improved intimacy and honesty and steps forward for you guys and now you're recoiling from it?
Know what I mean? Like, if h came to me and said "look, I need to tell you, in the spirit of total honesty, that XYZ happened a year ago" and I told him "that's a deal breaker" -- what would that mean?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
The pregnancy was old news, but I walked in on him in the act of being with someone else (looking through mental file) last Monday.
He officially has a problem with infidelity, although someone pointed out ot me that he may have not seen ours as an exclusive relationship, even though we were spending so much time together.
I don't know, Sage - I could have dealt with the pregnancy, 2nd OW revelation, but a THIRD OW a freaking week ago?
I wish I knew how I felt about all this. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
OK -- sorry to make you rehash due to my confusion.
Quote:
I wish I knew how I felt about all this.
Seems like a lot to process quickly...what if you decided that you didn't need to know how to feel right now? You've had so much going on...you and h have actually seemed to have had some very positive, intense interactions...what if you took some TIME and SPACE to nurture YOU and didn't make any decisive moves? can you see what may look like "limbo" as actually resting? building up some strength?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage has some really good advice here, and I don't know about you, but when my emotions are that stirred up and I don't know what I think or how I feel other than PAIN.
It really is not a good time for ME to make a major decision.
Those are the times I trust Sage and Calystra and PIB!!!
They usually give me suggestions pretty similiar to what Sage has posted to you here.
Sending positive vibes your way this evening.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
First of all, thanks Betsey for your help today. You are a true friend in every sense of the word. Just like Mer. And, since I have been sipping on a few fuzzy navels, I will drunkenly say, I LOVE YOU GUYS! Oh, and Briget, I liked what you had to say today. You have a way with words. I really admire you for all you've done for yourself lately. And, your honesty is so refreshing. Oh, and the yo-yo part of your personality is awesome!
O.K., got all that out.
Myrrh, I am SO SORRY. I feel your pain. I'm going to jump in late on some of your questions and thoughts.
The dating stuff? Whoa, sista! You've been through a week or two of hell. Let's worry about Myrrh right now, o.k? I suddenly have the Sheryl Crow song "The First Cut is the Deepest" running through my head. I know you're asking about a date, not a lifelong serious committment, BUT, you have way too much to process right now. And, there is no way you have fully done that.
Quote: I wish I knew how I felt about all this.
See? That says it all. You have tons to think about. There is no sense mixing more stuff into it right now.
Myrrh, we're here to help you through all of this. I have, unfortunately, a lot of experience in this type of mess. I will offer you any insight that I have, and I will dig into that horrible bag of memories if I need to. I'm years past where you are, so I am offering up my guide services when and if you need them.
Back to you Mer.... UGH! This SUCKS! Let's put our DB hats back on and trudge back into the field. Thelma, looks like we just can't go roaring out of limboland like we wanted to. Betsey will just keep putting sugar into our gas tanks (for the time being anyway). We're smart girls. It's a good thing too, because it looks like it's back to the drawing board for us.....
