Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt5

[LoneWlf]

Helena - Please understand I did not have alot of time to fully respond initially. First and foremost that I value what you have to say and welcome your opinion knowing it comes with good intentions. I have some difficulty with an action plan because for one- I have never done this before and want as much info from the vets before I proceed. Vanilla - I feel also has good intentions wanting to share her knowledge and wisdom being the WAS. I feel that is very important. I am very analytical and want to view all sides and opinions.

As for the STFU comment - I did not take it negatively because if you see earlier in my thread V was consistent in always stating to stay out of the way between S and W relationship and let it take its course without my interference. I think V was just emphasizing what she said initially. I did not take that has derogatory. Just me.

In regards to my R with S. We have become tighter. Communication is better-I allow him to be involved in the game plan for the week. Things that need to be accomplished along with the menu plan and cooking. I try to get him involved as much as possible to keep him occupied and to also know I value his opinion when decisions involve him. I also feel that S is wise beyond his years. Read the comments he made to my W when we were in therapy. It shows some deep mindful insight to come up with these questions and comments. Do I think he is capable of navigating these difficult times alone? No - but I will do my best to support him in anyway I can. Believe me - if you read back in my posts - there were times I reached out to S about getting mom involved. A concert ticket, going to his game and other occurrences. All this did was negatively impact S for days to follow. I see his anger and pain on these days and would like nothing more than to take them away. The thought of interaction with W really takes the wind from his sails and totally depletes him emotionally. I do get you comment about modelling the behavior that you want S to shadow. I find that his feelings are still to raw. For him to sit in a room with W and I and the T and to have his head down with his hands cupping his face - shows his uncomfortableness in that position. I do want want to put him on the spot although I do hope for a relationship between them.

In regards to the updates. Do I feel like not knowing is effecting her? I think so but I know it would kill me not being connected or not knowing. I feel that it is best for now for me to minimize contact. My feeling is that -for me the less contact I have with W the better my chances of detaching as opposed to weekly contact where i would just await the next interaction trying to read into responses or texts. I know I still have a looooong way to go .I know this may sound spiteful but she made the decision to want to S and move out. Part of me wants to let her feel the consequence of her choices. Maybe even snap her out of the fog. I think Sandi said it is once the WAW looses something of significance that they snap them out of their fantasy world. I also fear her possibly using these updates to further her negative opinion of me on how I am doing all the things with S. Just how I feel.

To all that care enough about my well being to take time to read - give honest heartfelt input. I am grateful ! Blessings!