Can I really do this #4

[SteveLW]

JS, I know I've quoted that "limbo is the gift of time" to you before. I understand you aren't feeling that. But there are really three states that you can be in:

1) Limbo, where you are now. I'll get to this in a bit after I quote you.
2) Reconciliation, where you both are committed back to the MR and actively working on it. Including MC, individual IC and other work (reading, regular discussions, employing some other expert's (not MWD) marriage improvement advice.
3) Actively moving towards separation and D.

You are in 1. You do not have the power to move by yourself to 2. And you do have the power to move to 3.

So the question is whether or not 1 is better or worse than 3? 1 feels awful while going through it, but if the result is 2 then it makes it all worth it. It is hard to see that while you are going through it because 2 seems so distant and at times, unattainable.

3 however, isn't all riding off into the sunset and moving on either. Why? Because you have kids. You see JS, and this might sound a little old-fashioned, but this is the "for better or for worse" part of the vows that we take. Emphasis on the worse. MRs are hard. They require lots of patience, and work, and care and feeding. :You say there is no PA and based on your description I believe you. Do you know how lucky you are. Most of the other posters here would kill to be in your position! But because you have kids, and you are 7 years older than her, then you will be connected to her for the rest of your life. There is no true "moving on".

Birthdays, graduations, weddings, birth of grand kids, their birthdays, graduation and weddings, and the birth of great grand kids (if you live that long) will all mean you have to see her. Work with her. Deal with her.

Would you rather do that as married partners? Or as divorced "tolerators"?

You said:

I know this is the exact definition of limbo. She isn't doing anything and I am tolerating the situation (I don't know how else to describe the sitch other than that).

Your life is going to be about tolerating a situation, one way or the other, for the rest of it. As I said before, in the midst of limbo it is hard to see your way through it clearly.

There is a number 4 I left off the list above. And that is:

4. Force the issue and discuss moving into either R or D with your W.

The outcome of this move is likely 2 or 3. It is generally considered a bad idea to take this approach. As you mentioned this will more likely result in 3 rather than 2.

JS, are you read for 3? Realize that your WAW in limbo will spin it that YOU ended the marriage. The fallout from that is your kids might blame you for the D. And maybe you're ok with that? In the future they may come to realization that you were "forced" into it.

When I was going through my sitch I routinely told people that asked me "why are you tolerating this?", that I wanted to be able to look my D in the eyes in a few years and tell her that I did everything that I could to save the marriage. Maybe that is less important to you. Maybe you have this same philosophy but are just growing impatient. That is up to you to decide and figure out.


Obviously, I think you should stay in 1 as long as it takes to get to 2. But I am not in your sitch day-to-day. So it is easy for me to say. Without a PA I personally believe that you are bound by your marriage vows. But it is well within your LEGAL rights to move to mediation or file for D.

You mention finances. Remember, you will be on the hook to support her for some time to come. If you get 50/50 custody, you will pay child support. WIth your W's lack of work, and health problems, it is likely you will have to pay spousal support at least for a while following D. Again, moving on may not be moving on the way you think.

It is up to you. Personally I would continue working on myself, to become the spouse only a total idiot would leave, and eventually hope that my W would come around. As I've said before, it would take a spouse that is a sociopath to not responded positively to positive changes in their spouse. I hope she is not that.