When you talked about the roller coaster and the exercise bike it hit home with me, my sitch and my mindset have also stopped feeling like a roller coaster.
I appreciate the bike analogy too. It helps me to remember that even though I dont feel like anything is happening in my life now, things ARE happening.
My legs are getting stronger, Im emotionally stronger than Ive ever been in my life.
Anytime I read about someone who has decided to take care of themselves for a change, it reminds me that I can best care for my children and my marriage by caring for myself.
You wrote down exactly what I have been feeling lately, I love my W but I dont really like her right now.
anyway, keep fighting the good fight. Hope that clears it up. Mike
Okay, seeing your plea for help here encouraged me to login and post to you. You know I'm always here for you.
Before we get to my suggestion, I'm going to point out some significant shifts that are occurring between you and Sting right now. I realize that you're frustrated with both sides of this coin, but the fact is, I see growth.
Sting-Before: Acted like nothing was amiss, like your family situation was normal and that you were crazy for wanting things to change. (Hey, wasn't it he who said he liked things the way they were?) He ended all of his phone calls with ILY and promises to call you... promises which were typically not kept.
After waiting for him to give you some feedback, you addressed your need to move forward with him. You let him know what wasn't working for you, and while I know that you might have had a teensy nibble at fish, all in all, you have greatly improved your communication skills with him since we started posting to each other.
That last discussion, coupled with his commitment to give you an answer of sorts, I think has catapulted him into a new dimension. Meredith, I know you think I'm crazy, but I clearly see this is as progress.
Sting-Now: Is agitated. He's not acting like his jovial Peter Pan personality. He's making promises to get you information, and while I realize that he's not giving you the answers, I can see that he is struggling to find them. He's moody and somewhat sullen. He certainly isn't the guy you want to end up with, but I think this guy MUST come out in order for Sting to come up with some answers.
My suggestion would be to find something really good to distract yourself with. A commitment to walk with the kids in the double stroller is a good start. (Your legs are gonna be in fantastic shape... then you can use your strength to kick his butt! Hell, I'll even help you!)
Something to take the edge off of things right now. I know how desperately you want and need to know... really, I do. But I think you'll get more truthful answers if you can just hold on for awhile longer until he sorts this stuff out.
I really must say for the record that I don't think he's deliberatly avoiding you to piss you off. I think he's really worried about how to fix this mess he created. You know what? He SHOULD be worried! For once, this guy is scared of what this means.
I'm not saying abandon boundaries or let him pretend that he is not a father with obligations. Far from it. But take the heat off of this stove by flying away for a little while. You'll feel better and I think it won't be as traumatic for him to shed some light on this.
So in summary, your idea of going dark on him (as much as you can with kids) is a good one. Interact with him on issues that concern the kids and the schedule, but leave him be on everything else. Since he's not much fun to be around right now, it's a gift....
And unfortunately, I remember where you are too well. It sucks! Really, it does.
A big hug from me to you today.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
And since I'm here, I guess I should update my own stuff. There is nothing to update! I wrote out my writing assignment for Mr. Wonderful, intending on leaving it in the dashboard of his car.
I saw a double rainbow all the way home last night. The inner rainbow was as clear as one my D10 could have drawn. I felt it was a sign of sorts, and promised myself to consider what I was feeling before I did anything about the essay request.
Well, I got home and he had mowed and edged the lawn and was working on the motor home--preparing it for a trial run this weekend to see what is working and what isn't, since it's not been used in 2 years. He looked tired and a little agitated.
I elected not to do anything with it. My instincts tell me he's struggling right now--and my guess is that Mother's Day is this weekend and he's without one for the first time.
As it turns out, he came inside a few minutes later. I was in the kitchen, getting stuff ready for dinner and he fired up the grill for the pork chops. He stood in the kitchen with me and we talked for 15 minutes straight. I guess his self-directed sabbatical from me was clearly not something he wanted in the long run... and to answer one of my colleague's questions, he expressed being impressed with my weight loss and seemed really thrilled for me. (Down 22, 11 to go)
I'll figure this out with a little more time and energy....
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Okay then. I accept the challenge. I don't like the shut up and wait approach, as we all know! But, I also realize that I am not getting very far with the commitment to spill the beans approach either.
Resentment is building, and for the first time I am wondering if it is building on both sides. He may be getting resentful of my need for an answer - and while I feel very little pity for him since he's spent the last year chilling out and having fun while I do the adult things - it may be causing some of his actions. I am, of course, resentful because once again things go back to his time frame and the rest of us get to sit around and pick our noses wondering when he's going to remember we exist.
I'm trusting that you're right on the internalizing things...because from where I sit, he hasn't even given anything a second thought!
Okay then, consider me dark. I have work, walking, gardening, book reading, etc to distract me from the fact that things suck. In this darkness I will be very cordial and upbeat when speaking to him, but I will also not wait around for him when he is late. He will have to initiate all contact that doesn't directly come up regarding the children. I already know all of this, but I figured I would clarify what I consider going dark - and then commit to it!
Why? Because truthful answers are better than forced ones.
Thank GOD for you and Pamela, because otherwise, once again, I would not know my emotions from my elbow!
Okay, Mike...find me some thought-provoking things and insight in that mess!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I've said it before, I'll say it again...GO YOU!!!
The weightloss is wonderful, Bets...and while I've never had that experience, I imagine the outcome makes you feel such a sense of outward accomplishment! I know WE are all so proud of you!
Also, a big pat on the back for recognizing the need to hold back on the essay. This weekend trip away may bring more strength and insight to him than you think...and the prospect is worth the wait on the essay, methinks!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Perfect!!!! You accepted the assignment as it was given, and I think you're going to come out of here fine.
Let HIM wonder why you're not pressing him for info. Let HIM wonder why you are aloof. Let HIM wonder what the heck happened to you that you backed off from him.
I'm not saying to do this permanently, Mer. Give it a few weeks and then we can reevaluate how things are going. Deal? I'm only saying this for your sanity's sake. This doesn't have to continue ad nauseum, indefinitely. Just long enough to take the edge off of your emotions. THEN you make another decision.
But as always, if you have an idea, I defer to you. Because I know you know what's best for you, the kids and your marriage.
Being in a helicopter does not make me infallible... just want to set that record straight!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Okay, I am jumping in the pool here at the collective thread. My individual story is pretty much ended, I think. As soon as finances permit, I will be filing for a divorce. I found out about an additional past OW (17) who got pregnant, and lost the baby at 6 and a half months, then walked in on my H with yet another OW. So I am done with my M and my H.
My questions is this - what does everyone think about dating? There is someone interested in me, and I think he is pretty nice, too. Neither of us wants anything fast or serious...more of a companionship thing. Do you guys think this is wrong? And if I do it, how should I handle it with my H? Hide it? Tell him? What?
H has written me a sappy letter about how he hasn't ended things with me because he knows it is a path that could lead to happiness, and he is "terrified of missing such a path, and doesn't know what to do." But I am fairly sue that he is still involved with this new OW, although she called him and told him not to call her again.
Well, neither do I - any input is very much welcome. Betsey gave me permission to post on the friends thread, since I don't feel much like having my own right now. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
That "neither do I" refers to the quote in my H's letter about not knowing what to do...and I really hope I didn't just kill the collective thread with my scary story.
It isn't meant to be depressing! I am okay. I really, really am. I think my H is a one-in-a-million kind of case, and I just wanted some input. Don't think that because my sitch hasn't gone well, it means anything for any of you - you all are doing great, and DBing IS the way to go. Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
