Husband Left for Second Time - 6

[PsySara]

This happens in waves, you get on your feet, go dark, and start to create space and healing. Then that FT happens and the darkness slams into you sending you into a spiral. How much I understand this, I could probably write a book.

I had finally let go, I felt some innocent part of me die but then a part of me, this steel wrapped in velvet, came forward. I knew my kids would be ok if I was the one dependable parent. I knew that there were plenty of men that would make good, strong partners and even good father-figures. And so I let the last strand go. I felt a weight lift and I finally came to the conclusion that I could not wish my WH to be anything, not even a decent man.

And then it happened.

I let go and he was given unfettered freedom to do anything he wanted. We stood in what would soon be his new home and I felt contentment knowing my children would be loved by 2 parents even if they those parents were not together. The reality slammed into WH face with full force and he staggered. Even now, while he works hard to turn himself around he is shocked at how close he danced to being without me. But we both know he could have easily continued on his destructive path. Heck, he could still backslide into his wayward ways.

But here's the difference now, he knows I am not to be taken for granted. I stared back at him when the final grain of sand fell and I didn't blink. I.Was.Done. Now he knows every day is a gift. Every moment is a chance for him to repair the damage and that is a huge bounty. But I had no expectations and still am just in observation mode.

Sister, I stand here and support you. I've been through this and have learned some very hard lessons. It's ok to be angry, to be heart broken, to feel betrayed. But it is not okay to make your life a Reaction to those feelings. My DB coach gave me this advise when WH was acting like a miserable @ss. He said to pretend WH was on life support and I had to just move forward in life. If WH ever came off life support and returned to me then good. But not to WAIT and HOPE that day would come. To live my life regardless of WH (in)actions.

It took me 2 years but I finally listened.