Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt5

[HelenaJ]

I have been thinking about what you all have said in regards to gently reaching out to W. For the letter-I agree. I am not fully sold on doing so for the purposes of the updates. My reason for this is it makes me the initiator of communications- not the goal I want.

So you're waiting for her to initiate contact? How long are you going to wait? What if she never does except to initiate D? If that happens, do you feel confident you did everything you could do to reconcile?

It can also potentially backfire because she has never asked me for any updates - am I to assume she wants my updates? What if she wants to know all details of all S doings? How much detail should i give? I need to take account on how S feels on this touchy subject-S may feel I am going behind his back now that we are closer relationship wise. I do not want to tear down what we have built. To add to this - lets say I told W that this past weekend that S and I had a blast on the weekend at one of the local escape rooms. She may have resentment thinking that I am trying to make her look bad by being the "Disney Dad" or even think that I am rubbing salt in the wound for showing her life continues without her.

Does she want your updates.....like you said, this has to be killing her but even still, no I wouldn't assume anything. You could start out by asking her one day if she'd like you to keep her aprised of the score, maybe his next big game? See what she says. Would S really be upset with you if you told him you were sharing those kinds of updates with her? Couple of good points there, your goal would definitely not be to make her feel less than or left out so I wasn't suggesting updates that are like "look at how much fun we're having", nothing personal like pics of the two of you or updates on the fun times you have...just something. Perhaps knowing that you two are interacting, even on a very small scale, might open the door for him too. You never know. Model the behavior you want him to follow.
I understand you don't want to damage your R with S. Believe me, I so get that. I also differ here from other people here that 15 is "old enough". I have a 15 year old right now and while she's very capable, she's still just a kid and she still comes to me all the time with questions about how to handle situations at school. 15 is not old enough to know how to navigate situations like this. Something else I was wondering...I wonder if he sees your no contact and thinks that's how these things are handled when you disagree with something someone has done? No contact between a H and W is much different than no contact between a child and a mother. Short of abuse/neglect/addiction, I just feel so strongly that the R between both parents is critical and even in cases where the child does not want to go,where custody is concerned, a judge will still insist that the child has some sort of R/visitation with both parents. I'm assuming the only reason she hasn't pushed for some sort of custody is because she's honoring S's feelings which seems like the epitome of putting her child before herself to me. Do you see her actions differently?
I know how hard this for you and how fragile you view your R with your S. But you're still the parent and sometimes parenting means we can't be the friend first. These are just my thoughts, not my judgments of you or about me using your thread as a means to disagree with anyone else. You know your situation best and you're an adult and I have no doubt you will take these opinions and do what is bests for you. With that said though, I'm assuming you're here not only for support but also for differing viewpoints from various people with different experiences so I'm just sharing my thoughts as a Mom of 4, which happens to be my favorite job in the entire world