Thanks fog..exercise always helps me. I just have had no time lately . Tomorrow my schedule gets more organized so i think that will help.
So i have came to a big psych realization after a recent fight with my mother.
One of the big questions i have is why i have always been so suseptible to gaslighting. My 1st bf was a jealous lcontrolling cheater. My husband was a secret high functioning addict. I always felt like i was arguing with the irrational. But i never left. I never trusted myself. I always would ask others "is it me or was he out of line"
Well, during this fight my mom made a big mistake concerning my son. She basically fed him really old outdated lunch meat. (Hes ok) i was trying to figure out what happened and asked her about it. I had pointed put that i had told her where everything was and prepared it so all she had to do was put it together. Instead of just apologizing or saying " oh no. Thank god he didnt eat it" ( i was not attacking or yelling at her) she started accusing me for not having thrown out the old meat (i dont eat meat. Had no idea it was even there) she started telling me "if u want things done right, do it yourself" but she had told me she would put it together for him because i was going to be at work early that day.
Anyway, i am not mad at her mistake. Only that she did not accept responsibility and blamed me for her mistake. This is a pattern. She has been like this since we were kids. She admits that she will never admit to being wrong because it is a sign of weakness and that you cant show weakness to children. I have never been allowed to be right, even when i am right. I have never been validated.
Anyway, i feel like i have been raised to be gaslighted.
I have not broken things off with NG. My schedule has literally been non stop. He does not know i am still upset about that argument we had. He is acting as if with me and i dont know how to handle things, cause we are getting friendlier. He brought me flowers and told me how upset he has been that i have had no time to see him.
I am not upset that he got rude at the airport. . I am upset that when i confronted his rudeness days later, he counter attacked by telling me he was rude because of all the ridiculous ways i was acting..and focused on the point that i waited 3 days later to tell him. He cant admit to being wrong. He told me he never does. But he will make up something ridiculous in a joking way so that people will know he knows he is wrong.
He does not see this one incident as a big deal, but to me it is because i fear patterns and future issues. I dont want to waste my time. I dont want to hurt someone. I dont want to make a wrong or unjustified decision.
I still dont feel right. This relationship was not just dating to me. I was looking for a future and partner.
