You have all the time in the world. The divorce decree is just a piece of paper. How would it really change your life. Even if you get divorced, theres no rule that says you can't remarry.
D settlement could mean me having to move away from my kids to afford somewhere to live. I hadn't told W but even before we split I'd been thinking about us getting remarried.
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My point was not that her actions will revealed before D. Maybe they will, maybe they wont. But someday, her motives will be revealed.
I know quite a lot about her planning to leave and hiding money in advance for a D. I worked out the truth from bits of info and it was a massive shock. It explains a lot of her behaviour where, when and why I was suspicious.
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I wish I knew for sure if there was an OM/OW.
What would change if there were?"
W would go even lower in my estimation. I'd consider being with someone else. In the meantime, if W is/was in a short-term thing and wanted to return then I'd might have a way to get to terms with it. Even so, she would have to change to become more mature.
It is interesting as to how the dynamics have changed. When she left, she blamed me for everything and I started to believe it myself. However, I then discovered she was telling lots of lies. I then told her that I'm not perfect but at least I'm honest, faithful and put my family first. I still expect D papers v.soon.
Between dating and marriage my ex and I had 25 years together.
25 years for me too.
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Benito clung desperately to his W like so many of us did. It wasn't until he well and truly accepted she was gone and got about the business of working on himself that she did a 180. The way DB'ing works is you focus on yourself and your kids and be the best man and best father possible without concerning yourself with whether it will bring your W back or not. As long as you hold that rope she will run and run and run. Drop the rope and she'll stop and look back and maybe even reverse course. The irony is you've got to get to the point where you no longer care if she comes back before she might.
I am starting to get towards that point because she lies so much and is so devious. I'm disappointed in her. That isn't the soul-mate that I loved for most of my life. I'm getting tired of it.
Many years ago, I had a similar situation in a different relationship. She dumped me and then used to walk past me each morning when I was walking to work . She used to ignore me every time. I then moved to live far away.
W has said she remembers what I had told her about that and doesn't want me to do it as she wants me to be around for the kids.
Back to the story... about a year later, the woman and I got back together. She told me that she used to make an effort to get up early in the morning just to walk past me to ignore me. She didn't even know why she used to do it as she was the one who dumped me. After a few months back together, she was going to move to where I lived but then dumped me again. I wasn't bothered. I was tired of being messed about.
My W filed the papers last week David and I’m feeling so raw, still waking up between 3-4am and surviving on 4-5 hours sleep for the past month. Like you, I just can’t understand W’s thinking - she is taking our two sons away for two weeks on Friday, on a holiday that I was also booked to go on (we only booked it three months ago, and here we are in this sitch) We made plans to take the kids out this afternoon for a day out and to show that we can still be together and be civil, she suggested going somewhere near water, so I found a lovely spot in Surrey. She just messaged to say that she couldn’t see the point in going now, the kids are really disappointed and I’m left thinking that she must be being coached by a friend to totally detach from me to help firm up her reaolve to see this through.
We both seem to be in very similar positions, though I’ve already had the papers sent through.
I’m starting to see that db is about working on myself to make me a better Dad and person and if it brings my W back, then that will be a bonus.
Stay strong and I’ll try to help chipping in to your thread
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
DavidUK- I think in your situation when your W asks what your are going to do with your children- be quite evasive and mysterious- say something like - " I haven't decided yet but I am sure we will do something fun"- or "yes, I have planned a few things but will decide when I see the kids and talk to them first".
Leave her wondering what you are going to do -see it as a poker game, you don't want to show her your cards - e. g. what you are planning, thinking, and feeling- but do that in cheerful, fun, confident manner- by all means avoid looking desperate- that will put her off. Read the detachment thread- I think it works in your case.
I am not sure whether or not it was here or somewhere else where I read that one spouse is like a monkey banging on the chest, making noise so the other spouse notices and starts talking, loving, engaging etc.. however the other spouse is a turtle- he / she stays in the shell, because the monkey is making so much noise and the turtle feels safer inside. As soon as the monkey stops making the noise, the turtle comes out of the shell and becomes more curious. So basically I am trying to suggest that you could stop being a monkey and making the noise! Let the turtle become more curious...
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Jaylove, I get a strong feeling that my W is being coached too. I've a good idea as to who it is. Plus a parent planning the money and the other backing her to leave me. W is also taking the kids away for a week or so in the next week.
MrsJLS thanks, those were the words I wanted. W had sent... "will you be taking them out? Hope all is OK". I have to laugh at the insincerity of "Hope all is OK".... yeah all is OK... apart from her splitting my family, taking money, and planning to divorce me whilst still sleeping with me, and tried to get me into trouble, and wants to sell my home... then yeah, all is OK... I have to laugh. I think she's the chest banging monkey AND the turtle.
Went very well with the kids. W came to collect. I casually mentioned that perhaps we could talk when not in front of the kids.
W said she had been talking to me for 1.5 to 2 years. I was amazed by that. I said I hadn't realised, but I do now.
However, we had never once discussed our relationship sensibly other that her refusing to ever listen to me and her shouting abuse at me. She was never adult about it.
2 years ago is when her parents bought a house locally and left if empty. My Mum had always suspected they bought that house for W to move into anytime she liked. It seems she could be right.
