Friends: Season 2--The air has cleared

[Meredith]

Catholic guilt…gotta love it. Such wonderful guilt has caused me to feel the need to post some of what is going on in my world!

H is still, well, H. He still doesn’t know anything, he still wants to be married, he still wants to live apart, he still loves me…etc. Still, still, still. And, I, well, I am still restless. I still feel that after a year, things should have some progression. I still feel that this is his way of eating cake by having family time when he wants and alone time when he prefers that. And I still have an incessant need for answers.

I went on such an answer quest last night, and got the stills that I listed above from him. That, and a few soons, somedays and maybes. I do hate soons, somedays and maybes! R talk is something that I have avoided and rarely advocate, but I felt that things came to a head after a disappearing act by him a few weeks ago. Things need to have some solidity, one way or the other. At least, that was the plan.

At the end of the non-conversation I felt pretty crappy. So crappy in fact, that I figured this was it. I don’t want to be still waiting a year from now. I don’t want to live day-to-day wondering if he is going to keep the plans he makes or if I’m going to be stuck with two crying children and trying to explain something that I can’t even understand myself. I need some direction -- I need to know where we are going, how we are going to get there and what is going to change in the meantime. I suppose Bush also still needs to know where the chemical weapons are. Sometimes, no matter how much we need to know something, the answer cannot be found.

Then, I was posting this morning and an overwhelming feeling of hypocrisy came over me. I am asking people to do things to save their marriages, when one conversation (or, lack of) caused me to chuck mine. So, I thought that I’d do this gut-spilling thing once more.

To go back in time a little bit, I am CONSIDERING that my H has fears that are holding him back from moving forward with reconciliation or divorce. These fears are an odd entity to work with because he cannot identify what he is afraid of. I would love a commitment from him to find help in dealing with the fears that I am ASSuming he has not made any attempt to deal with himself…but Betsey says she has a second suggestion, and baby, I’d love to hear it!

In the meantime, I’m going to go dark. I am going to be cordial and civil to him, but I also need to get away from this sitch for a little while. The resentment is killing me. I will have to see H tomorrow when he will pick up the children, and I will be pleasant, but not more than that. I love him, guys, but I can’t seem to like him right now.

As I was telling Betsey and Pamela, this thing no longer feels like a rollercoaster to me. A rollercoaster is something you voluntarily get on, and then have no control over where the ride goes or how long you have to be on it. I know that all of us do feel like that sometimes in regards to our marriages or relationships. However, right now, I feel more like I am pedaling on an exercise bike. I am doing everything right in my pedaling, and I can feel my own legs getting much stronger from the work but I am not moving forward. Not because I am doing something wrong, but because the bike is missing the equipment needed to move forward. It is just simply not made to go. Depressing, isn’t it?

The good news is that I am not (depressed, that is). I am also a lot less afraid of what divorce would mean for me. I can honestly say that I am going to be just fine with whatever out come!

And I am working very hard at obtaining a new life for myself. I’m going back to school in the fall, for a career change. I am working on doing something garden-ish with the back yard this year (my old method was a border of begonias and calling it quits). I am walking a lot more than I ever have (there is something to be said for an activity that allows you to confine both children, keep them completely in your site and get exercise at the same time. God bless the double jogging stroller). And soon I am going out for drinks and shopping with my DB buddy, Pam! Yeah, she doesn’t know it yet…

And for Wonder, I do not have the book you mentioned by the Peases, however I do have the one about reading road maps! I haven't read it yet, but I do have it. Hopefully soon...