Hey Nicole. Thanks for that message. Yeh I don't think I truly understood the core of my issues and where it was coming from until recently, and so probably wasn't able to articulate it well.
I believe that understanding the story that I had created for myself and that I would rely on and tell myself, even subconsciously, really affected how I approached life in general. Achieving goals is part of that, but not the full picture. It's all about the mindset and how I started the race with all this baggage that I didn't really understand. And then not winning the race and blaming the baggage that I was carrying. I didn't know that I could drop the bags and run better. But I liked carrying the baggage because it gave me a safe space and I could blame it for my failures, rather than seeing what's inside the bag and letting it go. And then eventually allowing myself to drop the bag entirely and see that I could still run the race. The whole time the story was that I needed the baggage to run the race, but not recognizing that now in my life I had a choice.
But making that different choice is terrifying because as soon as I let go of the baggage and win the race, it's going to disappear and I can't use it again. And then I have to run this race all by myself and take full ownership of it.
So success, as much as I really want it and know that I can achieve it, gets me scared. And that the person I will be at the end of it will be a different person that has been for the last few decades. And I do want to do that, but I have been afraid of it.
I am working through this right now because telling myself the story of victimhood hasn't served me well.
I agree with you that people deserve to be supported and love, outside of abuse. And even though I was a cloud of depression, I deserved W's support and her to kick my a$$ to get it in gear. Instead of doing that, she decided to bail. I know I should've supported her better and pushed her on the anxiety issues, but I didn't due to my own limitations. However, I took the commitment of marriage seriously and when BD happened, I was more than willing to put in the hard work. Unfortunately, she didn't.
In life, it's always easier to cut and run. Plenty of decisions I can see where that would've been the easy and more comfortable route. But I have in life made that decision to take the harder route because I knew that the gains at the end would be even better.
Just imagine if your H had decided to put in the work with you and struggled together, what type of relationship you would have right now. It would be damn almost unbreakable.
And that's why I have no time for $hit like if this person is right for you or not, or if they have this fault or not etc etc, outside of mental health and addiction and abuse issues. Most likely there were some things about this person that you cherished and liked, and they are still in there with them. Now follow through on the commitment and do the work.
I understand your sentiment about giving H another chance if he turned things around. I feel the same about W. The problem is that their timeline to do that is excruciatingly long, and in that timeline more damage is being inflicted. So, even if they do all the work and are ready to be with you, it's just become too late. What my W would have to do for me to consider a R is not unreasonable, but I know that it is a huge mountain for her to climb and I don't know when she'll be ready for that. And I can't wait for her to figure that out, even if I am moving forward in life while she's figuring it out.
So, that's why the D situation is a bit tricky right now. It's a huge decision on my part. That was not even in the realm of possibility for me when I took the commitment and vows. I was committed to the MR through thick and thin. Now if I file for D, I have to be fairly certain that the decision is coming from an equal place of commitment and strength for me.
I am also a bit curious to why I am hesitating right now to make this decision. She has not given any indication of any turn around. So, I am exploring my hesitation to see what is the road block for me and then see how to address it. It might be the fear of moving to a new chapter in life and leaving that bag on the floor and running. I don't know yet.
My immediate concerns right now are to get healthy and rehab my knee so that I can start working out and climbing again. Also looking to move to a new place to create some financial freedom and stability in the next few months. My current place is too big and expensive for me. I am looking to down size and bring down rent costs so that I can attack my debt and also save.
In the meantime, I am meditating daily, journaling a few times a week and cultivating a positive mindset and repairing my self-esteem and confidence.
