Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

Sandi,
Thanks. And yes, I have always tried to be a little softer in my language about my sitch and I appreciate and agree with your word choices and changes.

To put it bluntly, This is the absolute worst I have ever felt in my life. However our path took us, we lost our individual identities along the way and became solely dependent on each other. I know that. We are lost. She is lost and I am lost. No wonder we don't like each other too much right now. Neither of us knows who we are.

I know I am enabling her. I know that I am weak when it comes to her. We fall into a comfortable routine where I am thankful we are still in the same home, at the same time I am on pins and needles hoping somehow she figures out that our MR is a good thing. Is this a huge cheeseless tunnel? Probably.

Can I pull the trigger and initiate mediation to a D? That is what I am trying to determine. I realize she wants nothing to do with me. How do you turn off loving someone? I also realize that I am dependent upon my W. I am dependent on providing for her and caring for her. It has become a major part of my life. I also don't know how to stop this. The only way I am coming back to over the last few days is that we need to physically part and each stand (or attempt) on our own. It seems like not only the healthiest option for everyone involved, but also the best chance we have to salvage even a communicative co-parent relationship outside of hating one another. I am contemplating not physically leaving our residence as we are tied there until February, but moving forward with the mediation to D and having her move into the guest room. If we agree, file and get everything done, it seems like by the time it is done with waiting periods, there would only be 2-3 months left for us to remain together. We are basically separated now, not much of a difference other than the bedroom change and legal paperwork to get everyone feeling like they are moving forward.

I appreciate your thoughts. I am just feeling this overwhelming feeling that I do need to take charge, take action and move it all forward. Is it just me being too weak to do this? If I hang on longer do we have a better chance? If we remain where we are, will we end up hating and despising each other? I don't know. I also know that my W may just be biding her time to get in a better position prior to moving this forward, or even just waiting until our lease is up to move on. No Idea.