"once you are gone and done with her...where is she going to go with all of that anger/resentment/frustration she has?"
that is why NC/Dark is so key. She cannot project it onto you and you are just simply not around to be the cause of her anger resentment and frustration. Now, she has to deal with it without you. And that is the opportunity for them to do the internal work, but they don't generally do it, while the LBS is doing that internal work.
It was truly the best thing I could do for myself - get out of her firing line. The LBS cannot do anything about the anger, resentment stuff. The WS has to deal with it themselves and once they are finished blaming the LBS for everything and those feelings are still there, who to blame now? They have to go on their path and you need to get out of the way for your own sanity and minimizing stress levels.
definitely was a point that I had not thought about until my friend said that. IC does not believe W will do the work either. it is sobering to hear a professional tell you that the one you loved so much likely will not choose nor be able to do the type of introspection that each of us as LBS are almost obligated to do.
hate the random flashbacks throughout the workday of our happy times together...very hard to accept the happiness of the past with the barrenness/sadness of the present. keep working to try and pop myself out of those types of triggers.
Had a nice weekend with D as always. At least when I have my D with me 2/3rd's of my life is complete. Continue to do a ton of self-reflection and an "action plan" of ways that I feel I could be a better partner in a future relationship. It's important to build the list for myself and the future. If I examine the list against the past it's too easy to assume all fault for the failure of my MR and that leads to a spiral. As far as W...I find myself less thinking on the specifics of our MR and more on the just HOW a spouse can simply walk away from a MR without giving it every chance. I realize ultimately that no matter what I think, those are the cards that have been dealt me. I just can't rationalize W's complete reluctance to talk (no phone calls, meet ups, can't look me in the eye) to any other reason than there being an OM.
I have progressed in the almost 5 months since BD. I have met some other ladies who give me hope for the future if I ever decide to try a relationship again, I know time has detached me somewhat from W and so has the talk of D process, but I'm aware I'm still very much a work in progress with that. Just trying to focus on me and my D and making a new life for us given the new reality. It's interesting to me how W has gotten angrier and less rational as the time apart has gone by. I would have expected the opposite given how she is getting what she wants. It will be nice to be done with all of her drama beyond co-parenting. It's amazing how much W's actions have helped push me on through detaching from her, but it's true.
So W showed up in my dreams last night. Amazingly since separation as much as I think on her and us while awake, rarely has she shown in my sleep. In my dream W was the one I feel in love with, nothing more than a snippet of she and I as we were before and just after our MR began.
Got down on my knees and prayed. Told God I missed her, I loved her and that I was sorry for whatever it was about me or that I did that turned her into this person that I no longer recognize. Didn't ask God to bring her back though. Don't understand any of this...but I'm just trying to continue to be at peace with that reality and go on.
Morning B, I just posted that I have had dreams about my W also . In 2 of them we we much in together in love. I too do not know what this means. I too continue to pray for God blessing thru this difficult time. Wishing you peace brother!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Wlf...as I say it's funny how for me with all the time my sitch occupies my waking hours, how little of her exists in my dreams. I guess I should also say these days my waking hours dwell on the specifics of divorce and not about our former MR or her current thoughts. in my dream we were together and seemingly happy, nothing more.
As for meaning, well I don't even try to think on that. It's as pointless to me at this time as trying to figure W's feelings is. I pray for her, me, my D...for whatever way may come to each of us, but that's as far as I go. As I say my goal these days is simply being able to accept and move on through whatever occurs in life that I don't understand. If I'm honest inside of me as my parents and other family members age, I'm filled with anxiety over what the next 10 years will bring to my life in terms of loss of loved ones. At times I wonder if somehow this "loss" I'm experiencing now is in some way God's preparation for me of a future pain yet to face. It seems a terrible lesson for me to go through..especially as this would/will be my 2nd, but part of me does wonder. The thought of losing a loved one always can keep me filled with anxiety, to possibly now have to face that reality without my W...like I say perhaps my pain right now is to prepare me for handling greater pain in the future. That must sound kinda crazy, but when I reflect on my sitch that's just a pathway down which my mind takes me.
It could be self defense it could just be practical detachment, either way I think it’s the right path. I feel for your D, my older one is the same age, so full of innocence and so unaware of what is going on. They deserve the best and it’s so painful to watch this unfold, keep your strength and give your D all the love you can find in you. - arshi
My W is in my dreams most nights since BD. Often it is in a loving way and it usually leaves me sad when I wake. Sometimes she's there is a negative way or neutral way and again, it usually leaves me sad when I wake.
I just accept it and know that it's my subconscious doing whatever it's going to do. You're lucky that it seems to be a rare occurrence for you. Your post sounds like you are really detaching given what you describe your thought process to be right now. Just keep loving your D and yourself and however this ultimately turns out for you, you're going to be a better man at the end of it.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
thank you arsh/hongaku for your replies! Yes Arsh all my strength and love to my D! It is the small things that amaze me. I can be playing with her and then the lighting in the house will make me reflect back to that time in the year last year when W was still here and pictures of D I took at that time...and then I catch myself and snack back into the present. Our minds are both our blessing and our curse, how we control our mind is essential to our recovery.
Hongaku well I think you overly praise me for my detachment. All I can say is I hit my knees and prayed after the dream. Thankfully at least it was for God's grace, strength and blessing to make it through whatever may come. That I didn't pray for my W to come back I guess I can see as a level of progress in my detachment. As someone said I'm still in love with the ghost of who my W used to be, but not the person whom my W has presently become. Just gonna keep on loving my beautiful D like the best Daddy ever and keep moving on...
I was sorry for whatever it was about me or that I did that turned her into this person that I no longer recognize.
You gotta remember that this is not all on you, bud. It's good that you own up to your part of things, but she made a conscious choice to do what she's doing. Don't be too hard on yourself...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
